Is it right to stay married for because of the children??

Question

I've been married for 14 years I have a wonderful 9 y.o. step-son whom I am very close to and a 5 y.o. daughter...I can't stand my wife, I make believe everything is good at home but I'm so depressed and miserable. I just feel so guilty that I would be walking out on my children. I feel to guilty like I would turn my back on my kids or something. I can't talk about this with anyone I know so I'll ask you all since no one here knows me. Has anyone been through this, if so what did you do and what was the out come? Thanks

Answer 1

:Yes, it definitely is.

As long as there is no physical or sexual abuse, it's best to suck it up and be the father your kids need.

You say that you are "depressed and miserable". Maybe that's not your wife's fault. And, even if it is, you need to get some control over the dark emotional and psychological state you are in.

I was in the same place you are right now about 20 years ago. Boy, was I in to myself. It was all about me. Sure, my wife wasn't perfect, but I was making every little thing a huge deal. Turns out, I was clinically depressed and making everyone miserable.

You have all of the classic symptoms: intense feelings of dispair, agonizing over things you can't change, not being able to "stand" the situation you are in, not being able to talk to anyone because you don't know them, and very much into your miserable self.

I'll bet you're between 35 and 50 and are experiencing the beginnings of a life crisis phase. Call time out. Find a competent talk therapist. You've gotta start talking to someone about this or you'll end up doing something really stupid. You might even need medical intervention or treatment.

Get help fast. I did. It saved my marriage, my relationship with my kids, and helped me reach real adulthood.

Answer 2

First, how do you have a 9 yr old stepson if you have been married for 14 years? Has she had affairs in the past? I can understand that you want other's opinions. You want to know what other people would do if they were in your shoes. Unfortunately, it really doesn't matter what other people think because they don't have the attachments that you have. I could say leave anyway, and i can roll over and go to sleep tonight. But if you walked away, could you go to an apartment or a hotel and sleep? That's the only way you will know what to do. You have to weigh out the options and see what you can live with. I think you have to ask yourself what would make you the most miserable? Walking away or staying? And how does she feel about you? If you leave and she's hurt, what if she makes your life miserable when it comes to seeing your kids? And no matter how much you think you can't stand her, how much could you stand if she was with another man? I think if you really weigh out all of the possible outcomes of staying versus leaving you will know what to do. Sometimes it is best to leave. If you find someone esle, and you are a happier person, you might be better around your kids. You don't want your kids to grow up with you in their lives all the time, but constantly miserable and depressed. What about the wife, can you talk things over with her? Could you tell her that you are unhappy, and you are confused with your marriage right now? Would she say leave or would she try to change whatever is making you feel bad? I see so many choices for you. I pray that things will work out for you.

Answer 3

In the long run, the kids will suffer more if you stay unhappily married instead of getting divorced. If you're not interested in marriage counseling to see if you can find the reasons why you fell in love with your wife in the first place, don't prolong the agony. After you tell her you want out, talk with your kids and explain things - make sure they understand your love for them will never change, and that the break-up is not because of anything they did or didn't do. I have been there, and believe me when I say it will get worse if you try to stay in a relationship that's not what you want any more - Both the kids and your wife will soon see thru your make-believe routine, becuz you won't be able to keep it up without making yourself MORE MISERABLE than you are now!

Answer 4

Personally, I would say that as long as you're not having big arguments, fighting, screaming or throwing things in front of your children, I would stay married for them.
Seek a therapist for your own sanity if you must. Yes, kids know when something isn't right, but they also think "mommy and daddy are still together." Whether you're actually legally married or not. I have a friend who divorced her husband but they continued to stay living together for the sake of their children. They didn't tell them they were divorced or anything. They didn't know any different because their father was still living in the house.
In the end, it's much better for children if they have a mother and father. But it has to be in a loving and safe environment. If you're yelling and upset with each other all the time, you're probably better off divorcing. It just depends on how your relationship is with your wife when you're not getting along.
I hope this helped. Good luck in your decision.

Answer 5

Yes I have been through it. I was with my ex for 6 years and had two children with him. Unfortunately for the children it didnt work out. I could never see myself with him when I was old. He was a great guy, but I thought of him more like a brother rather than a partner. We never use to fight, but I just wasnt in love with him. We tried the relationship counselling, a separation and then got back together. We only lasted another 4-6 months and we both decided to end it, as my feelings were still the same. My children at the time were 1 and 2. I think because they were young it made it a little easier for them to adjust, but was hard on me be a single parent.

About 6 months after we broke up I met a wonderful man who adored both my boys, and I knew right away it was love. We married 2 years later and we now have another little son of our own......and we are trying again for another.

I think if you know in your heart that it never is going to work, then it is probably best to end it as the children probably sense what is going on anyway. I do have to say that I do think you should try talking to your wife first, and maybe get some counselling. I think it is great for you to think about your children the way you do, and please still be in their lives. You sound like a great father.! I wish my ex was the same.

Answer 6

it is pointless you feeling guilty about leaving the children ,there are such things as access orders where at a court house you can get legal access to both of these children ,what you need is a really good solicitor who handles divorce exclusively. he will get you access to the children school holidays access too. when things happen to a marriage and you dislike the person you married i believe it is better to get out of the marriage before it destroys the happiness of the children .imagine yourself with an apartment/house of your own where you could have the children overnight/ for weekends / school holidays and never have to see your wife at all. lots of lovely places to take the children when you have them over. both you and the children will be happier because believe it or not but the children will know what's going on and that you are unhappy. see a solicitor before you leave her and take all the things out of the house that have any sentiment to you ,your marriage licence (or you will have to pay to have a copy made by your lawyer and it COSTS.)you may find your wife will be against any access to her child but as you have been with her a long time and contributed to the family well being and the costs of running a home you would have equal rights where the children are concerned . good luck

Answer 7

I have been through something similar.. My sons dad an I split almost 3 years ago.. I just wasn't feeling anything between him and i.. anyway I was in the same position.. If i left what about my son.. will his dad still see him.. all that rushed through me.. But you know.. I would think any decent person would still let you see the kids after all you have been a big part of there life for some time. I would definatly get out ot it if you are unhappy.. you could try therapy but it won't change how your feeling if you do not love her anymore.. hope this helps good luck.

Answer 8

My friend I have been there and done that.
Think with me. First, if there is anyway that you both can get counseling and mend this do so. On the other hand, if you stay in this marriage, don't think that the children cannot feel the tension before you and if you are arguing they obviously see it. I will never tell a person what to do with his marriage, but which is worst, to stay in the marriage and watch your children hurt because of the tension or to get out of the marriage, have the children hurt for a while and see toit that they get help as they are eliminated from a hostile enviroment?

Answer 9

Being a child that watched a really ugly divorce and had to go through custody fights, I will tell you do not stay if you are not happy. Eventually you might do something stupid which will make things really bad. Sometimes you can actually salvage a friendship out of the ordeal.
Also if you are unhappy your kids know. The problem is they do not know why. If you continue there is a good possibility that they may begin to think that it is your fault.
For your step-son make arrangements to still visiti with him. If his father is out of the picture you can even get court orders for this.

Answer 10

You do what you feel is right in your heart. Just remember that one day your kids will be grown and then what will you do? Personally i dont feel it is right to stay together only for the sake of the kids. So many times the kids hurt worse being in a bad marriage but only you know how things are in your situation. Hope you find some comfort soon