Did I do the best thing to keep things fair between me and my ex?

Question

My ex dumped me a month ago. She is going through therapy to deal with her fathers death 4 months ago and her low self esteem. When she broke up wiht me she asked me not to hate her and said she was very sorry, but she needed to sort her life out first. She said she really hoped we could still be friends. It was really hard for me to say, but I told her that I cared about her too much and would need some time to get over her. I did not want to do anything to only complicate both of our lives. I felt bad saying no to friends, but I honestly think it was the best thing for the both of us. So now some time has passed. I emailed her and apol;ogized for any discomfort I may have caused in her life. I also told her that I hope we can still keep in touch every now and then. Basically I want her to know that I still care about her and if she wants to talk I am here, as ONLY a friend. I feel bad cause I don't want her to think I do not care. Is this okay in keeping our distances...

Answer 1

yes you did a good job :)

Answer 2

Assuming no kids and no marriage, your reactions are both quite natural and expected. She will understand your reaction when she is ready, but the most important message coming from her appears to be: I need support and I can't be there for you as an equal in a more involved relationship. This is an important recognition and admission on her part. Your decision to decline the support was natural but not helpful for her.

You never mentioned how she reacted to your change interests to provide the support of a friend, so I'm assuming that she either hasn't received it or she doesn't know how she wants to respond (perhaps having already moved on in her life). The only important issue at this time is that you recognize her unwillingness to contribute to a relationship with you (thus creating a dependency, at best, which is in no way equal). If you want that kind of relationship, then all you need to do is ensure that your new intents are communicated to her.

Answering your question more directly:
Considering her situation, keeping your "distances" is probably the wisest move at this time. What is fair? In my books, fair is holding no bias and no prejudice, or as Christ said, "I am no respector of persons." I don't think that you showed any bias against her, but I'm not sure if the bias that you showed for her was fair. It seems to interfere with a more impartial assessment of your understanding of and reaction to her needs/wants.

Honestly, I would let her know that I am ready to resume the relationship when she is ready, and until then I am just going to move on with my life, giving her support where it is invited. I would look for someone who is interested in a healthy, equal relationship. The good news is that someday your "ex" will be ready for that kind of life, but the bad news is that she may not be interested in developing that philosophy for a very long time

Circut27,
You are on the right path. Having found a peace with this tough situation (I've been there too), you need only say one thing to her (assuming that you feel this way of course), "I love you and I'm here to support you for whatever you are ready to do."

A word of encouragement for you: When I said that (the evening after the morning "break-up," [prayer/meditation helped me sort my feelings out faster than normal]) she accepted it completely and loved me the more for it. After several weeks of giving her the space that she wanted, she told me to ask her to marry her on a certain day (about a few weeks from then). I accepted, but that may not be in your future and you may not receive or even accept such a request. The point is that things can turn-around really quickly when you are in harmony with nature/God.

Keep it nice and simple, and easy to understand, but general enough to cover all of your intentions implicitly (without having to detail them). Being hurt (by the death and perhaps other things as well, like loss of identity or whatever), complicate message are very easy to misunderstand. The stronger the emotions and the stress, the simpler and shorter must be the message, and the less it should deviate from your ex's (in this case) desires.

Andy Landen

Answer 3

keeping your distance is good if you want to just stay friends. Being there for her is good too. I can't see why if two ppl care about each other and they break up, why can't they be friends. Thats if they break up on good terms. When someone goes through a tragedy like she did with the loss of her father, it takes alot out of someone. So emotionally, she isn't able to be in a relationship. ( i can relate). If you are there for her now, maybe after she "sorts her life out" and your still available, you might get back together

Answer 4

That was the best move. It leaves it open for her to move and also lets her know you still care. It takes a real man to do that. Kudos

Answer 5

sometimes feelings can come into play when you see too much of each other, but keeping a good friendship is like keeping a piece of gold.

Answer 6

yeah, sumtimes love just HAS to hurt, wheather it works out or not....u did a good job in trying to keep her life in good condition.
props dude, good luck with finding a new GF if/when u get over her.

([e-mail] please e-mail me....curious about further details...)

Answer 7

Yes, you did an honorable thing...

Answer 8

don't play games let her know how you feel good luck to you

Answer 9

i think it was great that you emailed and apologized.

Answer 10

you did fine