what to do with my in laws because my husband and i are adopting our foster child shes black and we are white?

Question

my husband and i are unable to have our own childern so we became foster parents to a baby girl who was 2 months old when we brought her home, she is now a year old, the problem is we are adopting her and my husbands parents dont like the fact that shes black and we are white, every time she sees them she will walk up to them and want them to pick her up but they never do they act like shes not even there but they fall all over my husbands sisters baby, it hurts me to watch them do that to her shes just a child, they tell us cant you get a white baby. my family loves the idea that we are adopting her and cant wait to make her a part of our family forever but the problem is my husbands family, we have no support from them at all. any ideason on how my husband and i can talk to them with out me getting up set and saying something mean and nasty to them and causing a fight between us ?

Answer 1

Congratulations on your addition!

Your husbands parents are so out of line that it makes me shake. But, since you are looking to keep peace in the family, I would suggest that your husband sits down and talks to them directly...no beating around the bush. He needs to get the point across that this little girl is your family now, and that she's just a child who wants to be loved. They need to get over the racial difference.

If they still insist on treating your daughter different, then it's time to cut ties and take care of your own family.

Answer 2

I'm sure that they are set in thier "ways" by now and nothing that you can say can help change the way that they feel. Just put some distance between your family and them for awhile. Your daughter doesn't need to be put in a situation where she is an outcast and made to feel differnt. After a while your in laws will either get over it and realize that they are missing being a part of a precious childs unbringing OR they could just miss out on everything. Either way, it is thier loss. I'm sure you, your husband and the rest of your family has more then enough love to give her. I hate to say this, but it is the truth, this prob will not be the first time that your family is faced with this kind of racisim. As much as the world has moved forward, we are still behind on some aspects of race. And some people will not see color but see color "differences" meaning, that it will be hard for a white family to raise a colored child but you will be raising a very well rounded girl. Hopefully one day this will not be an issue but now it is a differnt story. I wish you luck and congrats on the new baby!!

Answer 3

I'm a child welfare worker. Your problem is not uncommon. Foster parents frequently claim that certain family members treat their foster children differently either because their a different race or just not a biological relatives. You notice it and as oblivious as you feel the baby maybe to the tension, she notices too. And unfortunately it usually gets worse instead of better. When you take your daughter to school the other kids will know she is adopted. When her friends parents come over for B-day parties they will know she is adopted. They will ask her questions and possibly tease her about it.

What you need to do is make sure your daughter has a very healthy self esteem and knows that she is loved unconditionally by her family. She does not need to feel like a 2nd class citizen by her quote unquote "paternal grandparents" And if they can't accept her then you CAN'T accept them near your daughter.

You want to make everyone happy now but you must think long term. When a child is rejected they always feel its their fault, that they aren't good enough. What if you adopt a 2nd baby that is white? Would they embrace that child and still be resistant to this child? How do you think that would effect this child's mental health in the long run? The answer is not in a good way.

First you and your spouse must seriously decide if you want to adopt THAT child, not a child, THAT CHILD. If the answer is yes then you and your husband must sit down and explain to his parents that you two and that child are a family and if they can't accept all 3 of you as a family then you will have very limited contact with them for the sake of your daughter.

If you become parents the welfare of your child must be your primary concern over your relationship with your in laws. You would accept nothing less for a biological child and must feel the same way for any baby you adopt.

Answer 4

You might be wise to have just your husband discuss this with his people before you approach them if it is going to get nasty. I am a grandfather to two wonderful little girls and I have to tell you it wouldn't matter a damn if they were purple, green, orange or any colour they are my grandkids. It's so sad to think that in this new millennium that such prejudice still exists. Just the fact that you are giving a child a new home with loving parents is enough that his parents should be proud of not only the child but both of you also. Hopefully with time and a little adjustment they will begin to treat this granddaughter as well as they do the others. They are not only displaying a lack of maturity but also denying this little child loving grandparents. I hope that for everyone involved you can come up with a solution to your problem ASAP. If necessary the whole family may have to attend for some form of family counselling in order to honestly discuss how it makes everyone feel. But as for you and your man, I commend you on this unselfish act and wish you and the little child much happiness, health and wealth through life. My kudo's go out to you both.

Answer 5

That is so sad that they treat that baby that way. It makes no difference what color the skin is. Color is like beauty, it is ONLY skin deep, it is not what is on the outside and what you see, it's what is on the inside that matters. That baby has gone threw enough already after being rejected or taken away from her parents for what ever the reason was. That is something that she will also have to deal with as she gets older and she sure don't need what his parents are subjecting her to, to boot.

I would let them know that SHE IS a part of your family now and they need to start treating her as such. I would invite everybody (his and your family)over to your house for a dinner as a celebration of the welcoming to the newest member to the family. That way his family could see how GOOD every body else treats her and at the same time the rest of the family can see how BAD they treat her.

It makes no difference what color a person is, everybody needs to be loved and NOT rejected, especially a BABY!!!

Answer 6

Heyyy That was really cruel of your sister in law its simple why she did what she did. Shes another narrow minded person who believes that blood is everything, she might only be your husbands half sister but in her eyes thats enough to make her part of the family. That was very wrong of her, i know she has apolagized but ask her why is she apolagizing, does she even know why she is in the wrong? she might be saying sorry without really knowing why. Firstly, it is your job as parents to treat all the children equally because children are a gift from god it doesnt matter if they are your own or adopted, which i can tell from your message that you and your husband already do. Secondly, if i was you i would never have accepted the gifts if i knew they had missed one child out. Like they say if you dont have enough to give to them all dont give at all. But even if you accepted the gifts and later realised that one child did not get anything you should have either returned all the gifts that she had sent or gave one on your behalf together with a card telling your child that it was from the sister in law. You dont want the child to feel left out or unloved. Your sister in law should be ashamed, feel sorry for her children.

Answer 7

First of all, congratulations on your adoption. Some people will never get over their bigoted, racist attitudes, and it sounds like your in-laws unfortunately fall into that category. What I suggest would be to talk to your husband first, and make sure you show your in-laws a united front when you go to speak to them about their behavior. Tell them exactly how it makes you feel that they practically ignore your child while they dote on their other grandchild. Let them know that even though your daughter is not of your flesh-and-blood, that she is your child regardless and you expect them to treat her equally or not be able to see her at all. Your little girl can probably tell already that something is wrong when she goes to see her other set of grandparents. It's not fair to your daughter for her to be treated that way and you should do everything in your power to protect her from that. Good luck!

Answer 8

Well, this is for the support of your child, so if a simple remark to them causes a fight at least you know it was a fight that's actually worth while.
Your husband needs to tell his parents that if they don't start treating your adoptive child like an additional part of the family, that NONE of you will be visiting them again. By treating her this way at an early age, she'll grow up and progress into a person who is really negative about herself, her race, and her background... and you wan't her to be proud of her roots and of having adoptive parents like you that CHOSE her.
If it leads to a fight or argument, so be it. Your child is worth the fight.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, they feel the way they feel and there is nothing you can do to change that. You do what you feel is right. They will miss out on the wonderful family that you are building. If they can't treat your child with the respect and love she deserves, then they should not be given the privilege and honor of knowing her. Good luck with your little girl. My family is also built through adoption. Be proud.

Answer 10

Oh, my dear, that is terrible!! I feel so bad for you. My daughter in law does not allow my husband or I to see our precious grandson for reasons that are mysterious to us and it hurts us every minute of every day. To hear that there are grandparents out there that can not embrace your sweet daughter as part of the family, is the most selfish and unthinkable thing that any person can do. I am just appalled.
If you are ever looking for grandparents, we'd love the job...LOL. Children are so precious. They should be thrilled for you too. It does not matter what color her skin is...will people ever understand that?? You know what? you sound like amazing parents and you should be proud of yourselves. It is obvious that your daughter will grow up with tons of love from you and your husband.