What should I do now?

Question

I have a wonderful wife of 5 years who is a great human being. She is an excellent mother to my daughter. The affection between us is gone no matter what I try. I have tried counseling, flowers, massages, talking, taking her on special dates, but nothing is working. I recently had a co-worker come on to me and I feel guilty about it. I havent acted on anything but the co-worker makes me feel wanted. And yes I tried to tell my wife exactly how I feel and the normal answer is this" if you cant accept who I am then leave me." The worst part is that my daughter would be the one who suffers from a divorce. I dont know where else to turn and wonder what you all recommend. (I have tried all the normal recommendations on this site).

Answer 1

Hello Scott, The 1st thing i want to say is "I am sorry this is happening to you",,,,,,,, and if your wife is not able to see the passion or romance through the things which you do for her then it is probably time to sit down with her and discuss divorce. I know what you mean and how you feel for your daughter. She will be able to live and accept that the both of (parents) you will be separated because all that matters is that the both of you (parents) care about her, love her and no matter what will always be there for her. Do not let yourself only be half alive. And you are not being selfish either. You do what you need to do for yourself,,,,,,,,,, Listen to your heart sweetheart,,,,,,,,,,, do not slowly kill yourself. Everyone needs love and affection in their lives. This is a very sensitive subject. Good luck sweetheart.

Answer 2

make sure she has money to take care of things in the house and also be sure she has money for her. get your self a temporary place to live, don't follow or stalk her. Don't be a pest and mostly don't make her mad. Remember you may end up losing all. but she will learn to have respect in you. see no matter how the marriage ends, you still have your daughter that will love you even more, knowing you are a real man over this, never tell the child your mom's a ?!@#$%^&. After the bitterness is gone, and it will go... you'll be fine with other lovely ladies in your life. I'm 63 been there done that, maybe joining a divorced parents club for chat could can help alot, good luck guy.

Answer 3

If what you are doing isn't working stop.
Some people like to have to chase after the one they are with.
When you've been together a long time you start to take each other for granted.
I would stop being generous with the "flowers, massages, talking, taking her on special dates" and start a hobby or something that takes you away from her. People want what they can't have. So if you are busy every night between 9 to 11, guess when she will want to be with you. Give her the gift of missing you. At the least you will become more independent and more able stand on your own.

Answer 4

Think of it this way if you get caught messing around with the co-worker you will be looking at a divorce anyway..and it sounds like your wife isn't interested on working on your marriage anymore..smiles. It looks like you have a big decision to make for you and your daughter. My question how old is your daughter??
Maybe something can be worked out for you daughters sake between you and your wife so if you do get a divorce she won't be effected to badly from it..smiles. Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

First dont let allow yourself to let anyone else validate you. Although it is very nice to be and feel wanted it is a huge mistake. Sometimes people need tough love. There is something going on with her that you just cannot fix this is something that she is going to have to figure out on her own. Here is the thing no one will ever understand because you have a different thought process. But you that doesnt mean that she doesnt know how you want to be treated. What I mean you have given her the information and its up to her to decide what she wants to do with it. She may not understand how you feel because she doesnt feel the same way but she should try to make you happy and you have told her what it takes to make you happy.

Next step after talking and counseling is taking a trial seperation. What I mean by trial is communicating with each other and saying I think we should seperate for about a month and see how things go for a month and then go from there. Set a specific time when you want to talk about your marriage again. And stick to it. It doesnt mean that you should be looking for someone else but really its for some time to think about what you really want its a time to clear your mind and think about what you feel is the best thing to do for your marriage and you can improve things between the two of you.

Just know that it isnt going to solve anything for you its temporary happiness and you wont feel good about it I promise you. Dont make that mistake I know your unhappy but dont do it no matter what you do. And I have to add it is better for a child to grow up with happy divorced parents then unhappy married parents. Its so much better for their well-being in the long run. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

Your daughter will be more affected in the long run by not seeing an affectionate family who shows each other love that is supposed to be there. So if I were you and since you have tried everything from talking to her to counseling then I suggest you leave she obviously has left you emotionally a long time ago. You have the right to be happy too. Good Luck.

Answer 7

I think you are looking for us to tell you to go ahead and act on the feelings you have for your co-worker. You say, "I have tried all the normal recommendations on this site," so either you think someone is going to sell you magic beans that will make you have affection for your wife and vice versa, or you are looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear. So here it is:

Leave your wife. Children are resilient. I'm sure when your daughter grows up she will not fear rejection from her relationships. Have fun and be merry with other co workers and friends that can give it to you the way you want.

Answer 8

It sounds to me that your wife has made up her mind that this relationship is definitely over for whatever reason. Her negative reaction to whatever you try tells me she isnt even willing to try and save this marriage. Without alot more details I cant even begin to figure her out, but youve told me enough that youre in a one sided relationship. Now you can stay for your daughter but matters will only begin to deterriate quickly and then who knows what will happen. It also appears that she doesnt have the guts to end it so shes forcing you to do so. That way she can blame you for the marriage ending. Yes your daughter will suffer but not as much as you think, since she is young enough to barely understand, young enough to grow up with this not affecting her too bad, and to outgrow this. Chances are the courts will award her to Mom along with child support, the house and possible spousal support, and state mandated visitation rights for you. But I would say that moving on would be the best bet here for all involved. Good luck

Answer 9

Scott, I always hear the women complaining about their husbands not paying attention to them and I must admit, I am one of them and it's a little striking when I read your question, if indeed you've tried everything to get the affection and the spark back with your wife and to no avail, then I would try separation at first, perhaps your wife has some issues she needs to figure out for herself. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you're wife will realize sooner hopefully than later what a good man/husband you are.

Answer 10

That is all your wife says about that? She hasn't told you why she has changed or has she? It seems like you've done all the right things to try to make things work, but if you aren't feeling what you use to and she isnt either, then it might be time to do what you feel is right. Please do not act on anything until there is a mutual agreement of a break-up or divorce. Good luck, but rememeber you don't want your daughter to be in a non-loving household.