Importance of physical attraction when considering marriage?

Question

I've been with the same guy for nearly 5 years now, and we get along really well. He's a good man - responsible, very loving and affectionate, would do anything for anyone type of person. My parents love him, I love his family, everything is great...except one thing. I'm not passionate about him - i don't find him physically attractive, and it's difficult to get intimate with him b/c of this. This just recently became an issue, b/c we're starting to discuss the prospect of marriage. Sex is horrible unless I've had a few drinks, and the guy just can't kiss. I've tried giving him pointers and telling him what I like, and he's made efforts to improve, but something is always missing. Can I possibly marry a man under these circumstances? Shouldn't I want to rip his clothes off when I get home from work? Where's my butterflies, weak knees, loss of appetite? Are these necessities or should I keep him b/c he's a good guy, which let's face it, is hard to come by? Help :-(

Answer 1

Frankly you sound pretty shallow to me. You can't seem to grasp the concept of what's really important in a long term relationship like marriage. Common sense should tell you that physical attractiveness fades when one gets older, some faster than others.
If looks are your priority then I guess you will be marrying on the basis of "Mr. Right Now" because a few years down the line when he starts getting fat and ugly, you will just have to trade him in for a newer, sleeker model. Sad.

Answer 2

"Passion" is not a necessary ingredient/precursor of a good long-term relationship. My husband and I don't have a passionate relationship; never have. But we are attracted to each other in a sense that we enjoy our time together. It's just that sex has never been that important to either of us. We skipped the "passion", and jumped straight into "comapnionship" - time will tell how it'll work out for us, but so far it's been good.

However, if sex IS important to you - I feel that you would be making a mistake marrying a person you KNOW will not "deliver" in this department. It all depends on what's important for the two of you in a relationship. But - you also have to be realistic about the probablilty that the "passsionate" stage will last; that probablilty is pretty low, passion usually fades after a few months or years... If there's nothing to replace it - the relationship crumbles. Look up "passionate" vs. "companionate" love, it's interesting to reflect on the differences.

Answer 3

That's a really awful situation to be in. I don't think you should marry him, because at some point you will meet a really nice guy who does make you feel passionate and then you'll end up in an even more difficult situation. I would just ease out of the relationship now if I was you and maybe just remain good friends. Don't just marry him because you are scared of not finding another good man. The good one that gives you butterflies is out there somewhere and how will you ever find him if you are married to the wrong guy?

Answer 4

Well, the thing is, even in people who are both very physically attratcted to each other, the "ripping off the clothes" and butterflies thing kind of slows way down and diminishes.

However, who knows what it is, but you shouldn't HAVE to get drunk or whatever to become intimate with your partner.

Here's the thing, I've dated people who weren't the greatest looking. But, I liked them, so over time, once we got to know each other, making love was the same as if he were a male model. Didn't make a difference to me.

But if you can't be intimate with him, maybe some piece of the love puzzle is missing.

Good luck. THis is definately a serious issue to deal with BEFORE getting married. A couselor may help you explore these feelings further.

Answer 5

Only you can decide how important it is and if you want to have a marriage without it. On the sex thing, he can learn to do what you like. But I have heard it takes something like 10 years for a couple to peak sexually where the sex is at its best.

My husband isn't what all women would consider attractive but we can't all have a sex god! My husband does make me go weak in the knees... by the way he looks at me, or touches my cheek, or holds my hand. The sex didn't start out so great but it's gotten better. I think when you're in love that part doesn't matter so much. hope that helps.

Answer 6

Well ,aren`t we shallow .
Yes physical attraction is part of a sucessful relationship,but where is the Love?
Consider how you will be built when you are 60 ,would it be alright for him to cut and run. You described a man most women want after they have had enough heartache from the good-looking boy toys. Does he make you laugh ,have a good heart ,is he there when you need him and has he ever laid a hand on you ? Physical attraction is also in the mind .If he makes you feel like your the best thing in the world - hold on to him for dear life..
Maybe you should cut him loose and let him find someone who will appreciate what she has !
That way you can seek out your Adonis .I hope he at least pays attention to you .Maybe you won`t be attractive to him..

Answer 7

Can you live your life without passion? Would either of you end up cheating? Having all the other good things still leaves a lot wide open are far as having a difficult marriage. Are you willing to compromise on this one last subject? Also, do you two want kids? If so, how do you plan on getting pregnant without having sex when you are sober? I'd say move on and find the passion, it is much more fulfilling in the long run and hopefully the other things will come in that package.

Answer 8

My first marriage was based on physical attraction! If you put the two of us together and looked at what we were and what we liked to do we should of not been together. Of course it was rocky the whole way and we got meaner to eachother. After 15yrs kids one of which has problems because of it the other is younger and didnt have to see us argue WE ENDED UP IN DIVORCE!!!! We should of never gotten married but the sex was so good and we looked good together at first it was sex 3 times a day but that fizzled within the first 2 years. There was nothing else to base us being together for....

NOW the new gentleman I am dating is opposite he is cute but not drop dead georgeous. He is very nice to the kids, considerate, thoughtful, loving and after about 2 min of kissing WOW!!!

Sit him down and tell him what you are feeling that is always the best way to settle things than just letting them go by the way side and deal with them later. Write yourself a list and see how many catagories he fits. Looks are just skin and as we get older and get used to looking at each other what other substance is there.

I wish you luck on your decision but think before you jump and always talk to your partner about things open communication is always the way to start a perm. relationship.

Answer 9

Ok here is some advice that an "oldtimer" gave me. Looks shouldn't play a huge role in your relationship, but it definately should play a small one. When you are both 60+ years old...neither of you are going to be attractive or even attracted to each other. Friendship, communication, trust, humor, ....these are the important things. Maybe you should take a break from each other and see if you can find the attraction in him when he is being pursued by other girls...sometimes you don't know what you have, until it's gone.

Answer 10

oh, darling. i do feel your pain. i had something similar happen to me. but in my case, another issue came up and we ended up breaking our engagement. in your case, it seems that the physical attraction is the main thing keeping you from marrying the guy. so think about how important it is that you be attracted to him. do you love him because of who he is or what he looks like? if it's the former, you should keep him and marry him. if it's latter... well, i wish you the best no matter what you decide to do.

personally, i would probably stay with him because good, nice guys are hard to come by these days. i would know in my heart that i'd rather be with a guy because i love him rather than just because i am lusting after him...

Good luck.