Men only: would you date/get serious with a woman who cheated on her ex?

Question

I have been married 6+ years. My husband and I are roommates more than life partners and have been pretty much since we moved in together. He is also an alcoholic which has *always* been a problem for us. We have both cheated in the past (I almost left him last year for someone else). I never cheated on any boyfriends or lovers before then -- I never thought I could do that to someone -- but I was so unhappy at the time... I still am. I have been thinking about leaving for a while.

Problem: I met someone new recently through a mutual friend, and I have a HUGE crush on him. He is recently separated; he knows I am unhappily married. He said he plans to enjoy being single for a while until he meets someone he could get serious with. But the other night we spent some time alone together and ended up making out (no intercourse, but... !).

Question: I'm falling hard for this new guy. But by being a "friend w/ benefits", have I already blown any chance for a future relationship?

Answer 1

As much as I'm against divorce it really seems to me that you should have never married the person you are with. Did he ever make you happy? Anyway

The truth is you are wondering if this considering the situation could grow into a real serious committed relationship. Unfortunately it probably won't, the guy you are with will always know and remember that you met him while you were cheating on your husband. He may like you enough to really think in his heart that it won't matter but deep down it always will it will come out later. I'm really sorry.

Honestly you need to do something about your current relationship before anything else. You need to either get a counselor (what i would recommend) or get a lawyer (what others may recommend). As someone else said right now anybody looks better than your husband in his current state.

Answer 2

I can't speak for the new bf, but I could understand that a woman could have an affair if she had a good reason to be unhappy in a marriage; and I could also see that even if she didn't have a good reason, she could mature. I think I'd be more interested in how we clicked and how our own relationship developed than in what happened in a former one. Besides, is it really any different if a divorced person cheated or not? You can cause a divorce whether you're faithful or not, there's lots of ways to ruin a relationship, so just because someone didn't have an affair it doesn't mean that they are more angelic or less likely to cause another divorce.

I wouldn't ignore a person's history but people do change and the present is more important than the past. If you really are fond of someone, then you take the risk, because we're all imperfect..

Answer 3

He's told you his plan: "to enjoy being single for a while".

How about you decide to work on or end your marriage and then see if the guy is still around. He may like you because all it can be now is sex. If you end your marriage first you are giving off the signal that you are NOT just a cheater jumping ship.

I wouldn't start something and then try to make it more than it is. He just might ONLY a crush.

Now go live your life and figure out what you are going to do. If this other guy is part of it great, if not that's fine too. Its your life.

Answer 4

Usually a good rule of thumb is if they did it once they will again.I think it depends on the person and situation etc though. The prob is most people don't know how to build a lasting relationship these days. This is where these kinds of questions arise. There is a way to build trust and mutual respect in a relationship so you can proceed. That is what you should concentrate on and then you will have your answer. But also you have to respect what he told you about being single for a while.


Learn mutual trust otherwise it's a waste of time and energy and leads to paranoia

Answer 5

This isn't a hard one for me. I can answer this but there isn't a real good one to give you. I am engage to be married and the woman that I am to marry was in the same spot that you are and she tells me how hard it is and the bottom line is she said she should have left him along time ago cause it was hard on herself and her daughter . This is what you need to do if you are not happy then you need to get the hell out and the dating the other guy let me tell you something I do not do date people that are separated to wishy warshy good luck O by the way I would date a women that wasn't true to her husband but only for the right reason Like yours.

Answer 6

Men, hands down. I read in an article that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women have some sort of an affair at some point in their married lives. Astounding statistic, but even from experience I can safely say men cheat more than women. Women are also more likely to grieve more, since they always put more into a relationship. They are more likely most of the times to be seriously committed. Men are prone to grazing.

Answer 7

If you start a new relationship without finishing the last one, you are setting a pattern. Your new guy is going to know that you are capable of being dishonest and will always think of you as a cheater.

Why not end your marriage if you are that unhappy before beginning a new relationship??

Answer 8

Sounds to me like all he wants is friend with benefits. I don't think he's thinking any farther then getting you into bed. You said "He said he plans to enjoy being single for a while until he meets someone he could get serious with."
Sorry, I would first leave your spouse, then think about finding a new person to share your life with after you have your things togather!

Answer 9

It depends on the guy. Obviously, you didn't go all the way, so that says something for you. Although, I know from experience that an unhappy marriage can instigate an affair. I personally would not hold it against you if you appeared to be honest. Now if you had been jumping from bed to bed, ours would only be a one night stand.

Answer 10

You need to follow his lead and get out of your current marriage before even thinking of pursuing a relationship with someone new. Anybody is likely to look good in comparison with your husband at this point. Contact a lawyer and get the ball rolling then worry about your next relationship.