My therapist says that my abusive husband really doesn't mean what he says. What do you think?

Question

My therapist says that it is worthwhile to save abusive 12 year marriage because of the history and we have 2 small kids. I told her that I want to leave and she's telling me that I am giving up too easily (we've only been to her twice). I feel that I can't take it anymore and it is not worhtwhile to me. I don't think he'll really change his core, just his behavior for awhile. I am in so much pain because of his verbal and emotional abuse that I go back and forth from strong to weak like I believe I am a stupid, ignorant, worhtless ***** who should drop dead from diabetes. That my kids are so unlucky to have a mother like me, etc. I have a place to go(my mom's), until I get on my feet again. He tells me not to say a word about his 'people', but they can curse me out and he does nothing and agrees with them . I have to make a decision, but therapist is confusing me. She says he doesn't really mean what he says he just is acting from his littleness. What do you think? I'm confused!

He has also choked me 3 times in the past(over 5 years ago) and i feel intimidated by him when he's yelling in my face. Therapist is my individual therapist for 5 months prior and she's the one who enabled me to grow stronger to be able to leave. noew she's saying I'm giving up to easy. She has never advised me to leave though.

Answer 1

Get yourself and your kids the hell out of there. Go to your mom's, get on your feet as you mentioned, and get another therapist...this one sounds like a quack! I was in a similar situation with an emotional/verbal/physical abuser and they do not change. You do not need to live like this and neither do your children.

It doesn't matter if he means what he says or not. The point is he's saying it, are you going to be able to erase your memory and forget about it? Are your kids? They may not understand it now, but they can feel the tension, unhappiness and rage in the home.

You just remember that you are NOT worthless, you are NOT stupid or ignorant. You have two beautiful children and you owe it to them and to yourself to be happy and away from this freak.

Don't let him into your head and don't you start believing his garbage. He's insecure and obviously not ready for any type of relationship--husband or father.

You have a wonderful life waiting for you away from people like him. Get out there and grab it! Click on my pic to get my e-mail and contact me if you feel like talking.

Best of luck to you honey. You deserve so much better than him.

Answer 2

You are old enough to have two kids and a twelve year marriage. Is maturity difficult for you? Of course, Yahoo Questions isn't the place to get a definitive answer, but if all the bad things that you are talking about are happening on a regular basis and you are feeling threatened, what would you advise a friend to do?

To me, if there is danger, you step back. Get out of the splash zone. Find a way to be safe and then evaluate the situation from that secure distance.

This isn't a black and white issue, as your therapist may be trying to tell you. However, safety for you and your kids (both physical and mental / emotional) seems to me to be the most important thing. Getting perspective from a distance can only be gotten from a distance, right?

"... Acting from his littleness?" What in the world does that mean? Are you supposed to be this man's mother and minister to his childish needs?

Most of us don't change much. If it's taken you twelve years to get to this point of awakening, why not give yourself and this 'littleness person' some distance and then make a decision.

Strength is better than weakness. Anger is better than regret. Reason should take precedence over your confusion right now.

What would you tell your friend in the same situation?

good luck

Answer 3

Emotional, verbal and physical abuse are all equally damaging to you and your children. Leave him now. You've already made up your mind. You know what you want and need to do so just do it. Once you have successfully accomplished leaving this jerk do yourself another favor and find a new therapist. There is never a good reason to stay in a bad marriage especially when it is this abusive no matter who tells you otherwise. YOU MUST START TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You are not stupid or worthless. If you were you wouldn't even consider getting out of this hell! I wish you all the best. Just be careful. "Leaving" is always the most dangerous time when you decide to end an abusive relationship. Show him that you are smarter than him. Do the right thing for you and your children. You won't ever regret it but if you don't do it you will always have regrets! Now call your Mom, grab what you and the kids need most and go! Good luck!

Answer 4

you know what I have done some research on women in emotionally abusive relationships and the counselors that the seek out for help. And you want me to let you in on a little secret.... Alot of counselors don't have experience in dealing with emotional abusive relationships. So what i suggest you do is find a new counselor. And read this book by patricia evans called the verbally abusive man: can he really change. Trust me this book will shed alot of light on your experience. But I will tell you this from what i read. Your husband does not see you as being a person but an object. The next time he tells you about yourself simply say this " Why are you pretending to be me?" The look on his face will be a kodak moment.

Answer 5

Let me get this right...your husband tried to choke you---3 times, he makes you feel inferior, worthless as a mom, lets his "people" pick on you and does nothing to defend you. You've lived like this for 12 years and your "therapist" thinks you are giving up too easily? Hmmmm...I'd say you need a new therapist. She's pulling your feelings into two different directions...building up your confidence to fight this by leaving (even though she hasn't actually said it) and moving on with your life to making you feel like you should stay and try harder. I think you have already tried to do the best you can and as far as your children are concerned, it's not by any means a good environment for them to be raised in. Their well-being should be your #1 priority. Decide where their well-being is best and go from there. Good luck! And remember, divorce is not the end of the world. You and your children have good years a head of you, don't let your husband or therapist ruin it for you. Deep down you know what you need to do. Listen to your instincts, your "women's intuition," they are strong and won't fail you.

Answer 6

The first thing you should do is seek "real" help for yourself...recognize is it the abuse that makes you feel that way about yourself or is it just you (possibly depression, etc.), which could also stem from abuse. Do a search online to check out some of the resources available to you, there is tons of info. about domestic abuse (including verbal and emotional). It sounds like you need some "education" about abuse, it really helps to know what you are dealing with. Also, check out some of the co-dependency stuff because after 12 years that could be an issue. I understand just wanting someone to "tell" you what to do, but that is not the solution for you or your kids. However, not many people, especially therapist, are going to just say LEAVE after 12 years of marriage. It's too much of a risk emotionally. Your therapist may be saying this based on other conversations you have had. My advice is to REALLY think it through because leaving is NOT easy, especially with kids, even when you can just go to your mom's house. Eva, I just read more of what you wrote and I still say YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU! However, think about your daughter and would you want someone treating her like this...what would you tell her to do. My only other suggestion is for you NOT to go to your mom's, but to call the Domestic Violence Hotline to get to a "safe place" with resources, counseling, and help for you and your children. The website is http://www.ndvh.org/ and the telephone number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Best Wishes to you and your children.

Answer 7

leave his sorry ***! okay so my parents just went through a split and i can tell you that no matter how hard it gets to live in two places its sooooooo much better then having my parents together because all they did was fight and if you split while your kids are young they will most likely not remember a thing. i know one of my first memories is of my parents fighting over me and my two older brothers, and i can tell you its not the kind of thing you want your kids remembering. if you stay with him your only hurting yourself and your kids. what will end up happening is that you try and make it work and by the time you figure out it really won't work your kids will all ready think of you as an unsuitable mother and will side with their dad (this is what happened to my mom and my older brothers, they had heard my dad abusing her so much that they learned to do the same because she wouldn't put up a fight) and i know your probably don't care what happened to my family or think that because i'm only 14 that i have no clue what i'm talking about but trust me the worst thing you could ever do is something that will scare your kids for life, which is what will happen. Don’t take as long as my mom did to do the right thing (it took my mom 18 years and 6 kids to realize that things wouldn’t work).

Answer 8

If you care at all for you kids GET OUT!!!!!!!! He won't stop. They never do. And it is child abuse to keep them in that house.

I am not trying to be mean or act like a know it all. But I do know what I am talking about. I grew up in that kind of home. It is a living hell. And the mental scars never go away I am 34 and still have nightmares.

And has for your so called therapist report her to the licensing board. Therapist are supposed to help you not try to get you killed.

Answer 9

You have put way too much money into this therapist. Do not allow this person to make your life choices for you! Be strong, Stand up for yourself & get the hell OUT! You are right, they change for a little while & then when comfortable again, it's right back to the way it was! This is a circle and circles are not broken unless you do it.

Get another counselor...

Answer 10

Therapist is off her rocker, report her to whatever professional association monitors therapists in your state.

You need to leave. If your mom's is the place to go, then start going. And I would strongly suggest you seek counseling on your own, preferably with someone who specializes in women's or feminist approach therapy.

When I was 17, I saw a psychiatrist for depression, and I remember her telling me that it was my fault that I had been raped because if I kissed a man and got him aroused then I should be prepared to sleep with him, or else I'm just a tease! Nice huh?

I just wanted to add, the fact that you are in therapy is probably making the therapist think that you want to work things out, or else why would you be there? Couples therapists are not there to say "Honey, you need to leave, this will never work" They are paid to help people work out there issues no matter what they are. They figure that no matter how angry people seem or say they are, they must want to salvage the relationship if they are coming to couseling.

Answer 11

NO ONE should stay in an abusive relationship, verbal, mental or physical! Try another therapist! Talk to your friends and family! Not the friends you have as a couple, the ones you had before him and are still close too. Good luck to you. No one deserves this crap!