stuck in a marriage that can't get out for 17 years help!!?

Question

at the begining it was all good. but in the past year we argue all the time. my children are teenagers and they get involved in the middle. he wont move out and i can afford to live on my own with my two kids. already have two jobs and still can't afford it. he wont move out because he is not ready to leave me. but still goes out on the weekend and does not come home till he feels like it. when i go out is a problem. i feel im stuck in this relationship until my children move out and i can get a place on my own. i have no family where i live so no one to move in with. i dont know what to do.

Answer 1

I really can understand where you are coming from. I was in a marriage for 15 years before I moved out. I made a painful decision to leave my boys with my ex-husband because he was in the Navy; steady income and secure residence, whereas I didn't know what would be my plight if I took them with me. I worked two jobs, saved my money and finally managed to move into my own apartment nearby. The boys thought it was fun to visit me on weekends "to get away from Dad." Things actually worked out for awhile.

The thing is, you have to look at your situation and see what it is you are financially, mentally and emotionally capable of. The arguing is not good, especially if the kids get involved. This is what motivated me most to leave my ex. He and I were arguing over the most ridiculous things and it was affecting the boys. I talked with them and asked them how they felt about my leaving, getting secure with finances and bringing them with me once I'd gotten myself "steady" and they told me I should do what I needed to do to be happy.

I had family but I didn't want anyone to know my marriage was ending, so I did everything on my own. It took time and sacrificing. I did have one friend who supported me in my decision and was someone I could talk to, which helped me get through the frustration of an ending marriage.

While you go through this, if you could find a local service that could assist you, try to avoid confrontations with him, even if it means your not going "out." These battles will affect your children and someone should take precautions to avoid that as it is just unnecessary.

In hind sight, I wish I had waited until my boys had graduated high school because now, they bring it up and hold me accountable for the things that have gone wrong in their early adulthood life. I'm not telling YOU to wait. You have to research this within yourself and make the best decision for both YOU and the children.

I wish you the best - this is a hard road to travel and no one person has the answer. Be patient - you will find that answer within yourself soon enough.

Answer 2

1) keep her in china as a mistress. they look at money in the long run. forget all those nice things that they say to woo your heart. the moment you are old and feeble they will disappear rather than taking care of you. even if they want to, they do not know how in UK systems and to teach her all over again will kill you anyway 2) after you die, they take your money and split anyway. the most they would moan for you is 1 year. 3) come into a financial arrangement with her. then you are not torn. by the time, you reach a certain age where you know you cannot do it anymore, then let her go and marry someone and have a life

Answer 3

That's why they call it child support. Doesn't he work, and if not, why are you working 2 jobs? Make him ready if he's violent, get restraining order. If he's just lazy, pack those bags, if the kids take his side pack theirs too. Tough Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or save your $$$ you leave him w/kids you come home when you feel like it. There's lots of motels out there that will leave the light on 4 you. Good luck

Answer 4

Take a deep breath.....Concentrate on one thing atta time. With 2 jobs start working on a plan for yourself and your kids, and stick with it! Check to see what's available in your area for the income bracket that you're in. And he would be required to pay child support. Where there is a strong will, there is a way! But no one said that it will be easy. But it has to be better than living with the feeling of being trapped. I know that feeling!

Answer 5

You need to call in some favors from the family that you do have where ever they are. And get out of there . Even though your children are teenagers it isn't healthy for them to be in that situation with you. Because when it comes down to it you have to do whats best for them and that is either work is out or leave.

Answer 6

I just got out of an 8 year marriage. He was military and I was very dependant upon him for financials and health insurance. But I did leave. What you could do if your credit is good is take out a loan and use that to get your self started. If you request a divorce and ask for alimony then there's help. He will have to pay child support no matter what I think. I found a lawyer. I know they are expensive but you will definately need to consider one after 17 years of marriage and two children. Start consolidating your stuff and looking at your finances. What you have seperate from his and what you have shared. You need a starter bundle of money for getting out into a place of your own and bills. Also for a lawyer. That's where the loan would help. If you can get money from your credit cards then that might be an option. I know it stinks but you have to make that sacrifice in order to loosen yourself from this marriage. After the legals are through, you will hopefully have some child and spousal support. Good luck and take care.

Answer 7

First of all the kids have no business butting in to your relationship at all. If they are teenagers, I'd put them on notice that they have to get after school jobs NOW. Then do what I did in a very similar situation. Take a room in the house for your own. Open your own bank account and start socking away as much money as you can for your flight to freedom. Don't give him money (hope he's working!) and don't worry about where or when he goes or when he comes home. Live in your own space. No sex. Go out on your own and enjoy yourself. In other words, if you can't afford to get out, at least get away from him. It took me a year to save enough to get my own apartment and the kids stayed with him. You can do it if you really want it bad enough. Godloveya.

Answer 8

You know there are tons of ways you can get out. You can always get on section 8 and welfare until you can get on your feet. Or look for a better job than the ones you have now. There are too many ways out to be stuck in a situation you don't want to be in. Look in a phone book and see what you can find as far as help groups. You can even go to legal aid and get your divorce paid for by them until you win your case then your husband would have to pay. If your kids are teenagers..have them work to help you out. If they are unwilling then leave them with their father for a minute until you can get settled. Everything is just an excuse because your afraid to be on your own...but here is the question...do you want to look back on your life when your 80 and say to yourself 'It could have been a better life.'???
Only you can make it happen if you really want to. Seek help from friends, family, local support groups..Good luck!!!

Answer 9

All these answers are telling you to move, why? He is the jerk doing wrong. One day while he is at wok, and you have taken the day off from both jobs. Go file separation papers and get a restraining order. Stop by the local hardware store and buy new locks for the door, and change them out. It is not hard and the new locks will have instructions on how to do it. Pack him a bag of his things and set it out on the porch. If he has a cell phone call him when you think he should be on his way home and if not then once you have all the above done call him at work. Tell him all that you have done above and that his bag will be out on the porch and if he starts anything then you will call the police and have him arrested. If he stays out late a lot then he certainly has a place to go to so don't worry about him. Then set you kids down and tell them what has happened and that you will need their help in paying the bill and for them to get a job, it will be tough but well worth it in the long run. Good luck!

Answer 10

If it's not worth it than dont stay. If your kid is old enough to move out tell him you are leaving and if he wants to come he'll have to pay rent

Answer 11

if ur a single mom, u can get help from the government, and u could always try to get better jobs, how old are ur kids?? y dont u go to college or something so ur not home and then when u get ur degree u can make good money and then move out. although, theres always child support and if ur on ur own, u would get much more financial aid.. and help from the state, where do u live?