Am I selfish for feeling this way?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We were friends since high school. We just had a son in June. Everything is so great. About 2 years ago his ex girlfriend committed suicide about 8 months after they split up. This was before we were together but I met her a few times when they were together. I thought she was a nice person. Last year (1 year anniversary of her death) he asked me if I would mind him going to pay his respects to her grave. I told him I didn't mind because I knew it had only been a year. But now her 2 year anniversary is coming up and I don't know how I would feel now if he went. It would hurt me a lot if he went but I'm not so sure if it's right to feel that way. I think I would feel like he isn't over her. Am I selfish for feeling this way? And if he would go to visit her grave would that mean he is still not over her?

Answer 1

yup. your selfish.

Answer 2

If he goes to her grave it could only be that he misses a friend. Why not bring it up before he does and say something like "I know her anniversary is coming up why don't we both go and pay our respects and lets bring some flowers." That will go a long way in making him feel better and it will also include you so you will not feel left out. He will also feel that you understand why he goes to her grave. It's not about you. It is about the unnecessary loss of a friend. He may wonder if he could have done something to stop her from killing herself. I have had a friend kill himself and 20 something years later I still ask myself if I was as good a friend as I needed to be.

Answer 3

I think many of you answering this question are giving some rude commments. We have no idea how this girl feels. How many of you ppl have been in this situation? It's ok for you ppl to think that your boyfriend should be over his exgirlfriend after 8 months yet it's selfish for this girl (or woman whatever sorry) to feel that way? Just because the freaking girl killed herself.

But anyway my answer is just don't worry about it. He is with YOU now. I don't know if I would like the idea of my bf going to visit his ex. He didn't want to have anything to do with her before than why should he care now. It's funny how ppl only care when you're gone.

Answer 4

You are so selfish. Why would you be upset about him visiting someone's grave. She's no threat to you. If you are that jealous over someone who is deceased, I can only imagine how other living girls would make you feel. He had feelings ( and the key word is HAD) feeling for this girl at one point and he may be feeling somewhat responsible for her death even though it isn't his fault. Let the man pay his respects to her grave. It's not going to kill you.

Answer 5

It is normal to question as you do. But please be assured that suicide is such a shock to the mind and spirit, any soul can be profoundly wounded even if they weren't that close to the person. A girl at work died of suicide and it took me months to recover though I only met her twice. A normal death can take 5, 10 or life to finish grieving, if ever. A suicide is more complicated and deeply burdens the family and friends who feel a connection to the person. So it can take a longer, more involved process of talking and thinking it out, since there are so many unanswered questions and feelings left over.

I compare suicide to a car bomb that goes off without warning to innocent passerbys who can be injured if not killed by the shrapnel. You never know who gets hit the hardest, while others do not seem as affected.

Please give your boyfriend time and space to grieve in his own way. There are a number of suicide survivor groups on MSN, my favorite is moderated by Joy and offers personal and general support and references. I learned from sharing on these boards that suicide is caused by a spiritual attack on people that causes them to lose their will to live. And like a robber who may kill someone in the act of robbing them, the crime should not be blamed on either the victim or survivors. But because society looks on such tragedies as shameful or blameworthy, it adds undue guilt to the grief already carried by surviving loved ones.

Encourage your boyfriend in any way you can. Support him even where words are not needed. He will respect and love you more that you understand that this may never be understood.

Let him know how you feel that you are not sure, but you will try your best. He should appreciate that more that you are struggling with him because you care.

Answer 6

Paying respect to the dead isn't a bad thing no matter what the reason. If your BF broke up with her 8 months before she did this I'm sure he might feel guilt if anything. Let him go if he chooses too.

Answer 7

Well fact is that he is with you and can never be with her again. It is kind of nice that he still has enough respect to want to honour her by going to visit her gravesite. A mature thing for you to do would be to go and pay respects with him. It may feel odd etc., but it would help put you at ease plus in your own small way help him with his grieving. Perhaps he hasn't gotten any closure from this girls suicide and in some way feels somewhat responsible for it. Maybe you should discuss this situation with him openly and honestly and it may actually help him realize that he is in no way responsible for this girls demise.

Answer 8

I dont think ur selfish, just protective. I can see both points though. Maybe u can overcome ur jealousy and fear by actually going to visit the memorial with him and pay ur respects. That way you'd be helping him to get to terms with this tragic event and you'd also be helping urself to realise that after all, there's nothing to be 'selfish' about and u can solve ur personal issues together.

Answer 9

if you are threatened by the dead then this man is in trouble.let him go and send your condolences with him.you see one thing that happens when some one we cared for dies,we kind of forget the bad times and remember the good times, so let him have his good memories,it's not like she'll rise up and steal him back.are you being selfish ?maybe just silly and insecure over a dead woman,come on you've got to admit that's a waste of time.

Answer 10

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Answer 11

If I were in his shoes, I would feel kinda responsible for her death. Going to her grave may be his way of trying to appologize. On one hand I understand what you are saying, but death is hard to cope with, especially if you have guilty feelings. Talk to him about it, but be sure to support him. They were separated for quite sometime, so he should be over her. Even if he wasn't what are his options anyway?