I am in a dillema....Your advice?

Question

Ok, here's the deal. Met a guy 4 years ago, moved from Texas to Michigan to be with him and we eventually became engaged. I was lucky enough to be transferred with my job, he was unemployed but looking. After the strain of being in a relationship I felt was a one-sided effort (financially speaking), we split and he moved back home with his parents. I moved into a smaller apartment and have continued to live here, but last month I lost my job. He and I have continued to date, and we are very close....I do love him, but I feel he uses being sick (he's diabetic) as a mean of getting out of looking for work. The job market here is scarce, and with my finances draining I am faced with having to possibly move back to Texas. Part of me wants to stay, but his attitude is like, "if your gonna go, not much I can do". I feel if he deep down loved me, he would do everything, including getting a job. Should I go home and chalk this up to a bad experience or stick it out?

I am out looking for work, and he's not very ambitious. I feel a relationship should be a partnership...and he's also informed me that I may have to consider supporting him if he doesn't improve health-wise. Maybe I am in love with the person I know he can be, not the person he is.....*sigh*

Thanks everyone for your responses. After much thought and talking with my family, I am gonna pack up and move home. I don't see a future here, and I feel if I stay it will only bring more heartache. I am so torn, upset, lost, and just sad. Well, I will get his reaction in a couple of days when he comes over to see me....not sure how it will go...but it's not going to be easy to end a 4 year long relationship that I thought would last....Maybe the realization of me leaving will make him wake up....I hope so and I want him to be happy....but I don't see the almighty miracle happening anytime soon....I just wish things were different...*sigh*

Answer 1

Well...this is a tough one! I would give him an ultimatum...and tell him this is his last chance..and tell him why!

Answer 2

Whether you go home, or stick it out in Michigan - dump the guy. He's getting an easy ride out of you and his parents. If you cannot face a lifetime of this - don't waste your life on him. He will not change; "love" has nothing to do with it, he was like this when you met him, so either you accept his ways and prepare yourself for being a breadwinner for the two of you - or find a man who can actually be a good partner and provider.

Answer 3

I am going to pass on something my therapist told me once....I was in her office crying about my husband being hateful, abusive and generally not a good person and she asked why I was still with him. I told her that when we first got together he was wonderful and loving and I just KNEW he could be that way again. I told her I felt deep down like he could eventually be himself again and she asked me, "what if how is is now is his real self?".......I had never thought of that. It dawned on me after a long time that how I first knew him was an act -- period. The real him is a lowlife. I'm still married that that horrible man and now have a child with him. I can't leave because I'm threatened....... I know you're not dealing with an abuser. You're dealing with someone lazy...and I know you keep thinking he'll eventually pick back up and be like he was, but from experience how is now is how he's going to be. Please don't go down the wrong road -- especially having kids with him. You'll regret it the rest of your life.

Answer 4

I would go home. You're right, if he loved you, he would do whatever it took to be with you or to keep you there. It seems as though he is not putting out any effort whatsoever. You will be sad for a while, but you'll find someone better in the long run and be better off! Good Luck!

Answer 5

Go home and chalk this up as a learning experience. You are your own person and if he can't provide for you right now, then how will it be long term. You can't be his crutch because life is too short. There's so much more for you to enjoy out there and you can't have him hold you back. Definitely no future if you stick it out.

Answer 6

You need to take care of YOU first. If, you are able to take care of you and anyone else that comes along, you will be OK. If, you are not happy there, or cannot make it financially there, then, you might consider moving away. You could invite him to come with you. Or, you could move, get set up, make it on your own, and then see where you are. Whether or not you want him to be there or if you are better off without him.

Answer 7

That is sooooo easy: 1) Texas is warmer - go home. 2) Texas has more jobs - go home. 3) This guy is a PROVEN slacker/loser - go home. 4) You have SACRIFICED and have nothing but lost time to show for it - go home. If loser/slacker boy wants to "stay together," send him the classifieds from the Texas paper and tell him when he gets a job and an apartment, then he can "Come on down, y'all." Do yourself a big favor - go home.

Answer 8

I am sorry to say, but it sounds like this guy is a lazy leech! It does not sound like he is willing to fight for your relationship. Diabetes does not have to be a debilitating disease. Ron Santo of the Chicago Cubs played baseball with diabetes for years, and is now a broadcaster. He travels around the country with the Cubs, and has lost both his legs to the disease. He is using diabetes as a cop out. I think you should do what is best for you, and let him learn to take care of himself.

Answer 9

Hi
Try to look which option is the best in terms of location as well as both of you guys getting a job. Also think about his current health issue and a future child which you guys may get which may be diabetic as well!


x
tom
[e-mail]

Answer 10

I wouldn’t call what you’re in a relationship--it’s closer to gambling, and I’m sorry to say the odds are against you. You aren’t in love with who your boyfriend actually is; you’re in love with who you hope he could become. You’re describing someone who is barely capable of loving himself right now, let alone you. Having a healthy relationship with a person means loving him for who he is now, not loving him in spite of his situation, or in hopes of who he will change into tomorrow.

If you care about this man, end the relationship now. If you don’t, you will end up feeling angry at him for letting you down, bitter that you wasted so much time with him, and guilty for rejecting him after you promised undying love and patience. Ending it now will free him to do the healing he needs, and will open you up to attracting someone you can love and respect as he is today.

Answer 11

You answered the question in your very last line under your additional comments - don't try save him. Find someone as strong and as ambitious as you are, and you will see how refreshing it is to have the equality. Good luck!