How can I save my marriage?

Question

I have been married for nearly 7 years. I have two beautiful girls, 3 and 1. During my wife's last pregnancy, she was having a bad pregnancy and had to be on bed rest for a few months. Our lives were very complicated and she devoted all her attention to my daughter. I felt neglected to the point that I thought I was not in love with her. I left the house and started seeing another woman that gave me all the attention I craved. After a few months, I decided to go back to my wife. She took me in and I guess we never really address the problems that made us unhappy. Two months ago, we had an argument and the next day she told me that she was not in love with me. At first she wanted me to move out and then she asked me to come back to try. Deep inside I feel like she loves me but is deeply hurt and the argument brought all back. She is not sure why she feels like that but she believes that with time her feelings can return. Away I realized how much I love her and how sorry I am

Answer 1

You both NEED to go to counseling. Handling this is very hard to do, but you can come through it. You do need some help though. Talk to your pastor/priest, a counselor, or go on a weekend marital retreat. You can't do this alone, and it isn't just going to "go away". If you love her, do everything you can. Seek some help before it's too late.

Answer 2

Kids are time consuming. Somehow when they come along guys feel that they are misplaced as they are no longer the centre of attention. Fact is, usually they are right up there with the kids but they are having to share the attention which is a whole different thing. You left so she was looking after two little ones single handedly, you had the affair and betrayed her trust and now you expect that all those good feelings will come back again. Your actions have caused immense hurt. She probably does love you but needs a lot of time to heal. You both need counselling. Patience and communication are the keys.

Good luck.

Answer 3

1. You guys need to sit down and communicate. Don't argue. Communicate. Talk about how what each of you did made the other feel. Be open and honest and talk.

2. See a marriage counselor. Especially if you guys are having no luck with #1. If you are religious at all, I'd recommend you seek out your priest for counseling on the matter as well.

3. Repeat step #1 any time you think of doing something like... cheating on her again. Whether you felt neglected or not, that right there can destroy trust. You guys need to talk instead of hurting one another.

Best of luck with your marriage.

Answer 4

I have been in your wife's shoes. My husband cheated after our son was born for the same supposed reason. He came back after 3 months and promised never to do it again but, deep down, I could never completely trust him again. This, of course, created problems later in our marriage and eventually he left our son and I for a 21 yr. old coworker. He has been gone for over 2 1/2 yrs. now after we had been married for nearly 13 yrs.

Your wife is feeling insecure and probably overwhelmed. When you broke your vows to her it was devastating enough to cause her to question her feeling for you and her future with you. Two kids, especially those ages, require an exhausting amount of energy from her. She may also be experiencing some post-partum issues. You need to seek marriage counseling from a family-oriented therapist (one that believes in keeping families together rather than encouraging either of you to chase fantasies). Make sure it is someone that you both trust and feel very comfortable with. You both need to read The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman - it addresses similar situations to your own.

You can rebuild the trust and strengthen your love - it is just going to take a lot of hard work and immense understanding. Once you make some ground I would re-propose to her. Write your own vows and draft a contract stating you will remain faithful to her from that day forward. Be romantic, sensitive to her needs, and an attentive, loving father. If you feel you are not getting enough sexual attention from her don't push her, make her feel bad, or seek attention elsewhere. Instead gently guide her back to counseling or even sex therapy. Men and women have different needs and expectations when it comes to sex. A woman often receives fulfillment and satisfaction from her children when they are that young that is akin to sexual fulfillment. This is felt on a very deep level. You need to be charming, helpful, slightly seductive (but not pushy), and never make her feel guilty for it. Give her massages (without being sexually invasive), pamper her (not constantly - but enough that she appreciates it), and, again, attentive. No ultimatums or making her instigate sex (most women - especially moms - are not comfortable being the aggressor). Do things together that help build her energy levels, also, such as getting out the strollers and taking long walks in the mornings or evenings. Get out for a Sunday drive. Get a sitter at least twice a month and do something together you both enjoy.

Her trust won't be easy to regain but you can do it - just don't give up, no matter what.

Answer 5

Your wife still loves you....True love is unconditional..Love is not a feeling, it's an action. You must show your wife that you're willing to do whatever it takes to gain her trust back again and it's going to a lot of sacrifice(it's not going to be easy). You will need to cut off all relationships with other women that might make your wife feel uncomfortable. Spend more time with her and focus on her more. Her love tank is probably running on empty the same way yours was when you left her for another woman during that 3 month time period (Because your wife wasn't giving you the attention you needed so you felt unloved and so another woman showed you that attention and you felt loved~ but that wasn't love but lust). Try to understand how she feels, be sensitive to her needs. It will take time (It might take years, you can't put a time limit on situations like this) and the both of you must make a commiTtment that you both are going to stay faithful to each other from this point on and that you're going to go through this together. Even though she accepted you back she must forgive you, and pray and ask God to give her the strength to do it, and to pull your family back together. If you cry out to God He is faithful and will restore your marriage. Communicate with her and endure this tough time together and your marriage will be much much more beautiful in the long run.... I know that God is Faithful and if you seek Him with your whole heart He will restore both you, your wife, and marriage. Pray for your wife, your family and for yourself. Ask God to give you and your family strength through this tough experience. He is the only one who has all the answers.

God Bless You

Answer 6

I think the problem is that you never discussed the problem to begin with. The fact that you cheated on your wife while she was on bedrest with your child is pretty low and I'm surprised she even wants to talk to you. Second. to be jealous over the attention your daughter gets is even more immature. You need to get a grip and realize that you are the one in the wrong so you are the one who needs to do most of the work to get your marriage back on track. You should be thankful that this woman would even consider taking you back....my wife & I know that cheating is the one contract breaker of our marriage. I suggest you get some marriage counseling to help you 2 get through all of the problems you've avoided for so long. If this marriage is going to work you have to be willing to prove to her that she can trust you again and you need to get over being jealous of your children. Until you come to grips with that you need to not have any more.

Answer 7

Been there my friend. It may sounds silly but you need to try marriage counseling. While it wasn't the "end all, save all" for my marriage, it did bring up some issues that we later talked through on our own.
Sometimes it's just easier to bring something up that has been bothering you when a neutral party is there. You will never be happy together unless you get everything out in the open and discuss it. That will allow both of you to go through the forgiveness process

Answer 8

All the loving and caring won't help....unless you get to the root of the problem. Welcome to fatherhood! That means the main attention goes to the children. It's not about just you anymore. But, you must never lose sight of each other. Marriage is hard work. Communicate with each other. If you both feel your marriage is worth fighting for....seek some professional help. Your children deserve all the effort in keeping your family together.

Answer 9

Why is it two people in love with each other has to find faults with each other, making each other sad and frustrated?
Why would you want to even compare her love for YOUR daughter to that of yours? Why must she say she doesn't love you when she still does?
Start afresh. No more infidelity please. Bring her out dating like you always did before marriage. Buy her flowers and say how beautiful she is always to you all these years and how sorry you are to her for all that has happen. Hold her hand and clutch it tightly, to let her feel that she is still so precious to you. I know life might be complicating for you now, but remember your marriage vows to be together whether in happiness or sadness or hardship? Support each other through the difficult times. That's when the power of love shows itself.

Answer 10

Coming from someone who's been there, once you betray a woman's trust it is almost impossible to get it back. Even serious counseling probably will not help. It's constantly going to be in the back of her mind what you doing. The best you can do is be a good father to your children and be there for them so they don't end up with a guy like you. Sorry to say that. Good luck.