What Do I Do? Married & Gay??

Question

Im 25 married with children. I have recently admitted to my husband that I think I am gay. I have had alot of lesbian/bisexual experiences from an early age up to the last few years. So Im pretty sure on how I'm feeling.
My problem is that my husband thinks it is just a "phase" and everything will be ok. He says if I want to go out and get a girlfriend that is up to me but we have to divorce. But I don't want to divorce while the kids are so young, both under 8, they obviously won't understand what is going on. I know it sounds like I want the best of both worlds. I want stability for the children but I don't want to have to live a lie either. What do I do??

I got married and had kids at a very young age, I did what was expected of me. At that time I just thought I was bi. Obviously as I have got older my feelings have changed. I love my husband as my friend and father of my children but not sexually...nor any other man.

Starlight - No I have not got a girlfriend at the moment, I wouldn't know where to start looking, if I was in the position to look that is!

Pinkrose - I work full-time already. I'm not questioning my sexuality because my sex life with my husband is bad...I'm questioning it because I no longer have sexual feelings for any man...only women. I'm just confused about what to do for the best.

Answer 1

Hi Lucy,

Only you can decide this but I would agree with your husband. Marrage is not about: "lets stay together for the sake of the children". This is definitely not the right way. This will be a loveless marrage and if anything it will project a distructive and demonstate an even very negative image to the children on what relationships are about. You are better off being with a lesbian partner and as long as there is love, and love for the children then that is what really matters. Their father will always be part of their lives and arrangements to do so will take place after divorce.

I know you must have soo many questions along side because this is one big step and it is a serious life changing experience. There will be questions that keep repeating itself, especially about your sexuality and if this is the right thing to do. Can I recommend you check my profile and see some of the answer's I've written regarding why people are born straight, gay, or bisexual. I think it will make you understand those feelings better and make think sound much clearer. Life is too short and in the long run your husband, your family, and your children will know you had to do what you had to do. Your happeness is as important as well.

Answer 2

First you need to get at least a part time job. Get out of the house. If you divorce you will need to have an income. Alimony and/or child support won't cover the expenses. You said you only THINK you might be gay, so until you know for sure, don't risk destroying this current lifestyle. Counseling might be a good start, too. Before you do anything rash, make sure this is what you want. I have found very few straight men are any good at sex. This is not only MY opinion but other married older women as well. You could be frustrated about your sex life or you really could be bi or gay? A counselor will help you sort things out. A divorce won't hurt the kids as long as you and your husband stay on friendly terms. From the sound of this question, I think you will stay good friends for their sake. If you DO divorce him and stay close, the kids WILL have stability! The kids that get harmed by divorce are the ones whose parents fight and split on bad terms. And have custody fights. This doesn't sound like what will happen in YOUR case. Good luck deciding.

Answer 3

I'm not understanding why splitting after your kids turn 8 will be better for them. You are a parent. Your kids come first. If you are gay and ready for a committed lasting relationship then why are you staying in a marriage that is not going to be a healthy one for anybody? I think maybe you should spend a little more time assessing where you really are on this and leave consideration of the kids out of it. What kids need is an emotionally healthy, stable, loving home. That trumps living in a house with a mother and father who have serious issues with their relationship - which it sounds like you will end up having.

I have no idea if I'm at all correct about this, but I do know it's something you should consider very seriously.

Btw, I absolutely do not believe sexuality has anything to do with parenting, and completely disagree with anyone who says that a choice to divorce should mean giving up custody. That's just bigoted ignorant prejudice talking. However, if you live in a state with a legal system that may view it that way, it's something else to seriously consider.

Your in a tough spot. I feel for you. Stay or go, but don't go for the flings and affairs. That's just gonna confuse your kids more, drag your hubby thru hell, and eat at your conscience forever.

Answer 4

I must say your husband sounds very understanding, at least from the info you've given us.

I wonder if he's happy for you not to be interested in him sexually? I agree with those that you should put your kids first, at least for the next few years till they are a bit more grown up. But I'd suggest that this is dependent on you reaching an understanding with your husband. I personally don't see a problem with a husband and wife staying together for the sake of their children-providing they know where they stand. See it as two friends in a business relationship. Of course all this means you have to talk, but it sounds at least like you're able to do this.

Answer 5

It's better for everyone if you do the honest thing. You will be happier for it, and your kids will be fine. Years from now they'll understand, and probably have more respect for you for being true to yourself.

Think about it. On the one hand...you have to lie to your husband and children, and sneak around with women. You live miserably and dream of the day your kids are old enough so you can leave your husband.

On the other hand: You're not deceiving anyone. You have the freedom to be who you are and you're a much happier person for it. You don't live with guilt because you're sneaking around with women behind your husband's back. You could possibly find the woman of your dreams and be with her, where before that wouldn't have been possible. You worry about your kids, and yes, it will absolutely be a difficult time going through it. But I get the sense that the 2 of you are good parents, and I think they'll be fine.

To me the choice is clear.

Answer 6

What made you get married in the first place when you had already had gay relationships,you must have had a good idea,and surely you thought about the situation before you had your first child ,and then again before you decided to have a second child.
And then 8 years later after building the family unit,you decide that sex with a woman is more important than your family,well i am with your husband on this one ,you may not be happy ,but your pain is self inflicted,your husbands is not,a divorce is the only option,and if done with care and consideration ,will in the long term be best for everyone,i just dont know why its taken so many years.

Answer 7

honesty is the best policy.
please dont stay just because of the kids, this will just make u even more miserable and that will in turn affect them too.
i would divorce and take the kids with me. be a single loving parent. love is wot they need. there is plenty of time for another relationship when they are settled down from this.
they will be happy if u are happy. let them see their dad as much as they want. as long as they are getting love from both of u they will be ok.
dont try to live a lie, it will only hurt u all and is not fair on any of u.
move on and be happy. u cannot be something u are not.

Answer 8

You are in a very hard situation. I understand that you do not want to hurt your kids, but to stay in a marriage that is unhealthy will do more damage than any divorce. Consider this: your kids turn 18 and you finally get your divorce. Your children find out that you were a lesbian and stayed with their father only for them. What a heavy blame your kids will have on their shoulder's -- to know that you were the reason your Mother suffered for two decades.

The Best thing you can do is to be honest and do what you feel in your heart. Should you end up getting the big "D", at least your kids will know that they CAN choose to be happy, and that they need to be honest with themselves in order for that to happen.

don't raise your children with lies.

Answer 9

My mY mY....arent we in a predicament, okay it is clear you harboured your feelings for so long deep deep deep deep deep deep down inside yourself for soo long and did what society was expected of you, ut now they wouldnt be kept down any longer, wait a few years until your children are older and more understanding to get a divorce..its inevitable realy as you dont have any sexual attraction to your husband, you cant be selfish though, get a divorce in a few years, make sure you are ina stable financial situation by then and have thought of wjhat to do about tha kids, do not discuss any of this with your husband as he is liable to think you are cheating (oh yah dont cheat!!) and will just become resentfull and crazy, so got that yeah..

Answer 10

If you are in a committed relationship then you need to be faithful rather if you are straight or gay. You have responsibilities to your husband and if you aren't willing to fulfill those responsibilities and if you can't remain faithful then get out of the relationship. Just because you are gay doesn't give you the right to cheat. Get a clue. If you don't want a divorce then don't get a girlfriend!!