Please critique the intro to my new short story.?

Question

I'll keep posting more and more chapters on my questions later. This is the intro letter from the main character to his sister. Right now i just want the oppinion of the public.


It’s funny how the tables can turn on you. At one moment you could be happy, with the one you love, living life to the fullest when suddenly life throws you pain after pain and you find yourself sobbing in the darkness, bleeding alone, wondering where it all went wrong. You find yourself living life on the sidelines, watching people live without really being alive yourself. And that’s when you realize that your only real friends are the tears; the tears that keep you company on those dark, solemn nights, when you feel like a razor-blade to the wrist is the only way out.

Am I being psychotic, no. Am I being unreasonable, I think not. I am only realizing that this world is full of lies and deceit. Of course there is love, kindness, and passion. Those are but luxuries that only the rich and the young can afford. All these thoughts invading my mind have made one thing clear. This life that we all must live, that we must protect and value above all, is but a game. A game, my dear Elizabeth that I’m afraid I’m losing. I feel that my life is so corrupted with this pain and hate, that to hope for any form of happiness would be futile. I tell you this not to frighten or to worry you, but to open your eyes as I have been forced to open mine; so you may live your life without making the same mistakes I did.

Even though you may hate me and most definitely forever will, I write because I still love you, like when we were young. Thoughts of playing games with you and swimming in the lake together are all that have been keeping me alive lately. They are the only beautiful memories that haven’t turned into fiendish monsters that ravage the mind and torment me constantly.

If you don’t hear from me after you receive this, please don’t worry. And please forgive me for all the things I did to you years back. I am truly sorry. I ask this of you because I don’t know what will happen to me. Whatever my destiny is brewing for me, it can’t be worse than what I have to deal with now. One thing is for sure, I’m nearly done playing this sick game. What my score will be, I don’t know. Where I’ll end up, I could care less.
Game Over. Thank God.

From your brother,

William.

Answer 1

Interesting. A good beginning. It gets the hook in. Makes the reader want to read more. That's the most important thing for a story to do! Keep us reading. We wonder "Why does this guy feel this way? What happened to him?"

Some of the expressions are a bit over the top but this may be right for the character. Very bleak, dramatic.

A good start. Keep writing. You can always tinker with and edit it later. I like the idea of starting the story with a letter. A good way to introduce the character.

Good luck. Keep at it.

Answer 2

Your first sentence has promise but it may be a little to common. It does it's job though it gets you wondering. Unfortunately the rest of the paragraph does not make me want to keep reading. It is well written but you need to be careful not to scare the reader right away. The reamainder of the letter is good. I really like the character you create in William, but that first Paragraph isn't in his voice. The latter half of the letter is to somebody, but the first half is to the reader. You need to rework the begining a little so that it all goes well with itself.
On the other hand, I'm not so sure that starting a short story with a letter is the best idea.
At any rate I'm very interested to see where this goes, keep posting parts.

Answer 3

Hey The opening is robust (from You have no idea me to I have no idea who I am), however will paintings a lot bigger if you are making it a poem. If that is the opening of the ebook, then placed it earlier than Chapter one million, if no longer then placed on the opening of the bankruptcy “How are you doing,” Should be: “How are you doing?” I benefit from the description and phrase use you've got, there are a couple of extra minor mistakes, however can conveniently constant (e.g. Everyone who knew extra then my identify will have to be Everyone who knew extra thAn my identify). You would desire so as to add just a little extra emotion, emotions, you'll be able to see this by way of motion, that's well, however just a little extra concept approximately emotions could make the reader relate to the person extra - that's the important thing improvement for writing in first man or woman Keep writing, wish I helped ~ JLT

Answer 4

The rapid growth of the creative development of structured story telling must be compounded in the essence of the relative aspect of the story and the teller of such tales. The magnitude of your dilemma is not the structure that you propose but the elements that will certainly reverberate at the close of your intended piece.

To move into a realm of deceitful consciousness without regard to the fullness of your title and prose is to be wayward of the frightful intentions that are brokered into this flimsy sequel to War and Peace.

Try again to uplift he segments of your imagination and surely you will confirm that the spirit of your intended piece shall be there along with the Bard and other illustrious mentors of the saga.

Answer 5

I think you need to start with something like "Dear Elizabeth," so the readers know they are looking at a letter. It looks like a suicide note, so it should have some sort of hook in it to keep people interested.
Why not get rid of Game Over and replace it with something which leads into the start of the story.

Answer 6

Kinda of a downer dude,more or less a suicide note-you need to hook before you dive too deep because if your're this deep to begin with do you have a deeper body of cotent to carry up to your climax.Kinda sparatic and preachy but overall interesting.Re-think your flow otherwise a very good effort.

Answer 7

its very well written, if you want in some of the sentences you could put commas for a pause to make the writing more powerful. But in all i really like it very dark, and tormented. sweet thats what i call writing

Answer 8

1st paragraph is awful, I don't want to read anymore.
It's too abstract and depressingly moralizing.
Mention of razor blades is not a turn on, it's a ridiculous cliche.
Not that every other sentence wasn't cliche.
And I LIKE suicide notes, they can be VERY entertaining.
http://ashbusstop.org/Note.html#section-5.

Answer 9

Very artful. Well written. Very dark. Scary almost.
I can only say one thing.
That sister needs to hurry up and save him.

Answer 10

This is interesting.