Burned and Hurt and Scared?

Question

I was in a relationship for 14 years. We have 2 children and what i thought a good life...About a year and a half ago I found out he was in love with another woman (one of our friends). We tried counseling, but in the end it ruined our relationship. Now, I'm in another relationship and I'm having a lot of insecurity and jealousy issues. It's starting to ruin my new relationship. I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose this new guy, but I CANNOT get hurt again. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

I think that most people go through this! I know I have done it several times and it ruined a lot of relationships. I wasn't able to let go of the hurt and because of that I didn't trust any man I was with. It wasn't fair to them either. They didn't hurt me, the ones before them had. Instead of leaving all that baggage behind, I drug it into every relationship I had. Finally when I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I began to change! I had to because I was pushing him away! We got married and I just couldn't trust him. I would accuse him of cheating, lying, whatever. I started fights over nothing! It got really bad! Luckily we have good communication and I was able to explain to him that it wasn't him! I was just so scared of being hurt again that I let those fears consume me! He kept reassuring me that he loved me and would never hurt me like that. He also told me if I didn't quit treating him like that it wasn't going to last. I decided I wasn't going to loose this man over something that happened to me years ago. I finally let go of all that crap that I had been carrying! I began to trust again and it feels awesome! Occasionally I'll get a thought or two in my head and I just tell myself that I am being insecure and I have no reason to be. I remind myself that my husband is not those other men and he loves me! Our relationship is so much better now! It's got to start with you! You gotta deal with the past before you can move forward in the future! If you are always looking back you can't move forward!!! He's not the one who hurt you! Don't treat him like he is!!! Good luck!! You'll be okay, just let go!

Answer 2

You might not want to admit this, but you are on a "rebound." Only 18 months ago you were married to a different person. I don't think it is too surprising that you are having jealousy issues.

In most cases when one quickly seeks out a "relationship" (instead of simply dating) soon after a divorce or death, it means the person was very much in love with the first person.

I would say that you need to back off and try not to think you need a relationship but a friend. If in turn he decides to cheat (date others) then you will know this wouldn't have been good for you.

I think you need to be selfish at this point. What do you really want? Right now you are thinking you want someone that won't fool you and cheat on you. That's not what you really want. You want someone like your previous husband that doesn't cheat. So be sure this guy is really what you want.

What I am saying is that I think once you decide this guy will never cheat on you, then, and only then, will you determine if this relationship is going anywhere. This is putting the cart before the horse.

With any man, even your previous husband/mate, I'm sure he had no intentions on cheating. Therefore there is no way to determine if this guy isn't going to cheat on you in the next 14 years. You are wanting a guarantee that doesn't exist and you'll never find one.

Answer 3

I was in a similar boat - married 12 1/2 yrs. with 1 child, husband left for a 21 yr. old coworker (that relationship only lasted just over 2 yrs.). It was awhile before I could build the courage to be in another relationship. It's very hard dating and trusting when you've been burned like that. Needless to say, though I loved the man I met very deeply, I was too insecure to trust the relationship or my feelings. I took a long break and had actually decided not to date again until my son at least graduated high school (it's only a 4 years away) when I met someone else. He is very understanding of what I've been through - he even bought me a book - The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman - and signed us up for couples counseling. He feels deeply enough for me to be patient and wants to make sure we have every chance at a successful relationship possible. My family loves him, my son is warming up to him (my son is very overprotective since his dad bailed on us - even though his relationship with his dad has improved immensely during the past year), and I know he is a wonderful man.
I would strongly suggest personal counseling for you alone and at least a few sessions as a couple with a counselor well-trained with today's mix-n-match families. IF you really feel that he is someone you would like to pursue a relationship with and not just a transitional relationship. If he is the first person you have been with since your divorce you should look deep within yourself and make sure it is just not a matter of not wanting to be alone. It's hard not to be insecure or jealous when you haven't yet become comfortable and secure with yourself again.
Do the counseling if you can - it will do wonders for you. If you don't have insurance that covers this, look into the local YWCA, your church, etc. Even joining good divorce support group may be helpful.

Answer 4

Girl, I'm so sorry that your going through this. I know its hard to trust him knowing all you've been though with your x husband and all. I've been there done that! Jealousy can kill you, and it can make you see things that aren't there. I believe that you need to have a serious talk and tell him how you really feel. Now as for me I don't trust anyone 100%, you can't! You always hear if you can't trust me you don't love me, bull! My advice to you is bite your tongue! Unless you've got some kind of proof. Read the bible, or try a project or something, that way it will keep your mind busy and not thinking all kinds of crap! The mind can be a evil thing. look I have learned that if someone doesn't want to be with you nothing you do is going to stop a person from leaving. I wish you luck.

Answer 5

no one wants to get hurt. That is just human survival of emotions. BUT going into a new relationship using old relationship luggage (emotional or psychological) is only going to take you to that SAME road you did for 14 years with more than likely, the same ENDING whether its NOW or 14 years later. You aren't ready for a new relationship. Learn about YOU first. I recommend counseling.

Answer 6

That kind of hurt and insecurity takes a while to get over. i know because my wife had to put up with me and my insecurities about being dumped. All I can tell you is that if the feelings get worse with time you should seek help. One thing you should be doing is speaking with your new boyfriend about you feelings. If he loves you he'll be patient and reassure your that he isn't going anywhere. Don't try and bury those feelings because it will fester and grow into something real ugly.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

First thing you have to do is forget the ex and mourn your last relationship like it was a death . You are the only one who can put the past behind you . Talk to your new guy and tell him how you feel . I bet he already knows something is wrong . We are all guilty of carrying baggage around with us . Get rid of the excess baggage and things will be better. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

Been there. You are always going to be somewhat not trusting, there has to be a lot of communication between you and your new man. He knows what you have been through, tell him you have trust issues and to have him help you work on them. Talk to him about each others morals and values. Don't run your mouth everytime you think something negative. You have to remind yourself that he is not your ex. Take a deep breath, smile, and remind yourself why you chose this guy, to be your man.

Answer 9

You're in a dangerous place. You're letting fears and insecurities that you learned over 14 years to consume you and control your actions and thoughts. Get counseling, alone or with your new guy right away.

Answer 10

We all carry that old baggage around with us, the difference in some than in others is how they handle it. I would suggest that you speak with the new guy and tell him what your going through. If he's really interested in you, he'll be understanding and try to help you through this. If you feel like its getting out of hand, then you should seek help from a professional.