Dealing with Marriage troubles...I'd like to hear your opinion...?

Question

Quickie Background: Married for 12 years, three kids 11, 10, 7 I'm a stay at home mom (and okay with that). Just relocated out of state from my hometown due to husbands job, and okay with that. Relationship issues in the past, but nothing big like cheating, no drugs, nothing like that. Just general stuff.

Okay, this happened last night. I had a really rough day, kids had the day off, drove them around looking for new clothes, got lost, it was raining and dark. Kids bickering in the car..whatever. I was pretty harried when I got home.

He was already here and was in a good mood. He's a real talker, so he started telling me (in great detail) about his day as I'm working around the kitchen trying to get dinner going. I listen with interest to his stories, etc. After he's done with his stories, he says, "hey, I'm going to call my old college buddy - I won't take long, I just want to let him know I'm here" and calls him.

I'm kind of upset that he didn't care to even ask about my day. Of course, the conversation went on for over an hour! It was already late, and by then I was p.o.'ed!

This morning he is trying to be all normal and stuff, "hi honey, goodmorning", not even addressing last night. I brought it up (calmly) that it really hurt me that he didn't even care to ask me about my day. We have pretty open communications most of the time.

He's all "I'm sorry..." blah blah..and I said, "yeah, you're going to twist this into that I don't want you to call your friends, when that is not it".

My questions for you...why did this upset me so much, and why am I still thinking about it? Also, he has tomorrow and friday off. How is THAT going to be? Should I just be normal? What more is there to say about this situation between us? We go round and round with "I'm sorry" then "I know, but you hurt my feelings", then "I'm sorry" again. How do I get out of this viscious circle?

Thank you so much for all of the opinions (it will be totally hard to pick just one best answer).

I want to add to the folks who tell me how "easy" I have it, and how much "harder" and "miserable" it is for everyone else.....

I understand that. But these are the details you don't know...so please don't be so quick to make such harsh judgements!

I have a corporate background. I have volunteered in church kitchens for food for the hungry, I have gone to childrens hospitals and visited the kids with homemade gifts, I have gone to the VA hospitals on Veterans Day, I volunteer for the APL and My 10 year old daughter volunteered over 100 community service volunteer hours last year alone.

I KNOW this is not the most important burning question of the universe....I was just looking A) To Vent B) To Get Opinions C) To try to understand my feelings. That's all.

Thank you for taking the time to write me!

Answer 1

Hon, that is a typical response from men. They look forward to coming home and unloading "their" day upon us. They don't really view a day shopping in the rain with kids and preparing dinner as "work". They see it as a choice we make. Don't feel bad you aren't alone. This happens to alot of people but don't turn it into something huge because it won't change anything. Next time just say "Gee, hon I'd like to entertain your day but I had a bad one of my own and I have things to do that you could help me with." Then pass him something to do or assign him to do something with the kids like bathe them. This should prompt him to say what happened in your day etc... But since you acted like it was just another normal day he reacted the way he normally would.
If the above doesn't work. Then you can implement a NO WORK ZONE. Let him know that the home is a haven from work and that it's time to turn it off when he arrives there. This will put the focus upon other matters.
This is workable. Keep in mind that you had an OVERWHELMING day and that can make your coping skills a little weak and your sensitivity scale a little high.
Trust me on this. It isn't fatal just annoying.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

Most hubby's don't realize what a stay-at-home mom goes through. They think it's Oprah, bon-bons, chatting on the phone, enjoying the perfectly-behaved-at-all-times children, a nice stroll through the grocery store, and having an altogether relaxing, restful day.

My little sister and her husband went through something similar several years ago. She worked before the kids were born but is now a stay-at-home mom. They had good communication but she felt like something was missing, I think. The thing that helped them both make a big change and become more understanding of and considerate to one another (don't get me wrong - they were never rude to each other, she just sometimes felt he wasn't sensitive to her needs) was a book called The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. I think all couples should read this book -before (and several times during) marriage - to get a grasp on what their partner might really need. I truly believe this book could save most relationships if both parties read it.

It sounds as though you just want a few moments of his time where he gives you his undivided attention. It is hard to bring this up to someone - especially when he or she is the main breadwinner for the family. The thing is, if he has enough time, energy, and exuberance to call an old college buddy, he should have enough time and energy to give you the attention you need and deserve. Listening to someone ramble on about their day is not communicating. Communicating is a two-way thing. Try reading the book - it's relatively inexpensive (about 13.00 new - possibly cheaper on ebay) and can make a big difference on how you and your husband relate to one another.

Answer 3

How long did the call take? Did he pay you any attention later that night or plan something for you the next day? He has to know what it would be like to spend the day with all three kids. If you are angry don't fight, get even! Get up early Saturday and leave! Leave anywhere, the mall, local boutiques, movies, don't come back until well after dinner. He'll get it then. And you will learn your way around a little better. All the moms are out on Saturday and you can approach some of them for local tips. Ask about churches, women's organizations, best places to shop, extracurricular organizations for kids etc., we all know moms have the best info. Take a WELL deserved break.

Answer 4

I do not think you really know what a tough day is.

You need to go visit a childens hospital sometime and then ask god to forgive you for your selfish and petty excuses for being angry.

I think in some way you resent being a stay at home mom.

My wife was given this choice that she decided to take. I know it is not easy but neither is the corporate would.

He sounds like a :Non abusive, loyal, non addicted, honest, morally correct husband. Yet you find ways to be angry and ignore the big picture of your life.

Do yourself a big favor and visit people who live in REAL misery sometime.

The fact that you have a corporate background and have served the needy should make you even more aware of how petty this is.

Come on, you know you are looking for a pity party here. There will be tough days no doubt about it but do be thankful for what you have.

Good for you for helping needy people!

Answer 5

You need to forgive him and move on. It sounds like he just wasn't paying attention. Men aren't as good as women at picking up those subtle (or not-so-subtle) cues about our mood. Don't hold it against them. I've found with my husband I have to be pretty blunt sometimes but he's learning. You just come out and say, that you've had a pretty rotten day and would he mind taking care of dinner. If you don't say it up front, how is he supposed to know? Men aren't mind readers. You have to give him a chance to do the right thing.

You want to know why you resented it so much. If the day you describe is typical, it sounds like you're pulling way more than your fair share of the household and child responsibilities, and you may want to try working out a more equitable arrangement.

Answer 6

You are feeling extra sensitive and stressed because of the job and location change. It may not seem like it, because you all wanted to move, but moving like that DOES cause extra stress. Put that on top of your crazy day with the kids and getting lost (very frustrating!) and when honey comes home and isn't immediately aware that you have had a bad day you are going to be extra cross when he doesn't even TRY to notice or be sensitive of your feelings.

Perfectly normal, but don't take out your bad day on your husband. Learn to accept his apology. Sounds to me like you are trying to punish him for what he's already apologized for. That really isn't fair.

When the kids piss you off you can ground them, but you can't do that with husbands.

My advice: ACCEPT the apology. That means RELEASE your anger.

I know what I'd do if my sweetie had a couple of days off and I didn't have to work and we lived in a new city. Spend the day sight-seeing. Drive around and explore together. You will get to spend some relaxing time together and you'll feel more comfortable when you have to drive alone.

Answer 7

You had a really tough day , ( I remember many of those days) and you got home and still had stuff to do and your hubby is going on and on and then decides to call a buddy.....so you stand there and say to yourself "What about me?" "Where is MY down time?" and you feel like you just aren't important or that your day meant nothing to him...because after all, HE works......I would tell him that I really needed to talk to him because I had a bad day and I feel like I am holding on by a thread. Some men get so absorbed in their own stuff, and don't think about their wives because they are used to us being able to do it all. And we do. But it's a good idea to let him know that we aren't Superwoman...there are times we feel we can't do it all, and sometimes we don't want to do it all. Try and make some friends where you live...another woman can help so much with the daily frustration of marriage and motherhood.

Answer 8

I know exactly what you are feeling ;,you felt in that moment that you were not appreciated and why was it about him and not about us like you had nothing major in your day just because you are at home. I'm sorry if i am off base with this but it sound so similar to my issues, i have with my family i feel like i do do and do some more; but it is taken for granted .i love the fact of being a mom and a wife but please give me some consideration that i have needs and feelings and i am not this robot that just keep giving and giving all the time .1st if you believe in prayer bring this matter up to your husband and let him know (w/o arguing)and put this matter into god hands and allow him to work this matter out i hope that this help and know that i most certainly understand.

Answer 9

Getting lost even temporarily in a new setting is stressful. That plus the rain and you're gripping that wheel and the kids are going off and geez your head can explode.

You *know* he's a talker (remember that most women b*tch that men don't talk at all. Hmmmm.). He starts going off, tell him 2 things: "wait. stop. i know you are excited. but [1] hit pause because I've had this crazy stressful scary crying kind of day and i can't listen 100% right now. i want to but i can't. [2] help me get dinner ready. chop these. rinse that off. set the table. then when dinner is done and we are cleaning up - together - you can fill me in and call your buddy and if you keep the call under 15 minutes I'll put on a thong and high heels and give you a reward. for now we are listening to a Diana Krall CD and getting dinner ready oh and by the way rush in to the kid's rooms and give them the Mr. Spock pinch and tell them not to bother me when I'm driving - back me up on this (you are gently rubbing his crotch while you say this last part and stop at 'back me up')"

see? make it a project with rewards - we like projects with rewards.

Answer 10

Grr...husbands often do not realize how frustrating it can be for us wives. Try to remember to just take a breath and carry on with whatever you are doing. When you are feeling overwhelmed, just say in a soft voice, "Hey hun, do you think you could help me with...." I found that works alot better than screaching.
The one thing to remember is, even though it all seems very trying at times, nothing stays the same forever, and before you know it your kids will be grown and you and your husband will be moving on to another stage. Smile, and take it all day by day.