If one of you has an affair and lies constantly, then demands that the other one trusts you without giving any proof of trustworthiness, is it fair? And if the one who got hurt can't trust without proof, is it over?
2006-11-08 01:16:15 · 23 answers · asked by good tree 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Let's review - the peson who abused the trust and did the betraying wants MORE trust with no proof of earning it?
That kind of cold blooded nerve is why the relationship probably won't work.
If the cheater TRULY felt awful and was trying to become a different person - which is *extremely* hard to do, especially for selfish little lying sneaking cheats who betray wedding vows - but if they TRULY were trying to change even when no one was looking, they would approach you with a trust behavior contract and say, "look. i shattered your trust in me. i want to slowly, bit by bit, try to earn that trust back. it will take years to complete this process so we should be honest and decide that if we can't do this for years then it's one more reason besides my awful lying and hurtful acts that i don't deserve having you in my life since i am the cause of this entire mess.'
'but let's try me going to the store alone. And if you want, you can call me on my cell which will never conveniently be 'in the car' or 'under the seat', and i will take a photo of the Wal-Mart sign with me in the picture and send it to you so you know i am where i say i am and not screwing someone else which is how i hurt you so badly, by lying and betraying your trust in me.'
'when i get home, you can look at the mileage on the car and i won't be offended. heck, i cheated on you before and it gets easier for people every time they do it, so it helps me get better when you check on me.'
'when the bills come, we'll sit down together and examine all my credit card and phone transactions so you can rest assured that unless i have gone to all the trouble of opening a second phone up and am hiding it somewhere, and have a 2nd bank account - wait here's my wallet look through it so you know i can be trusted on the spot - that i am not calling someone else or spending mone on them. because if i go to all that trouble then i am a worthless lying piece of sh*t and should be dumped at once. after we do those things for a year,we'll move on to me going to a football game with the guys.'
most cheaters do not like to constantly re-examine their faults in this fashion as they work to improve second by second so if he isn't willing to do it - he WILL cheat on you again. ask him if he would do something like that. if he makes a potty face, you might as well end it right now and save yourself the grief.
2006-11-08 01:51:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It IS a very difficult situation to be in. The one who didnt have the affair is going to have a hard time trusting after finding out about the affair and all the lies. And lets say they do manage to continue the relationship, and even trust their partner again, what if it happens again. I'm not sure if i believe the theory that you can start again after an affair, and the marriage will be better than even blah blah blah...... better for who? Maybe better for the person who had the affair, but not for the other one - they will NEVER really trust again. But thats just my opinion.
2006-11-08 10:55:13 · answer #2 · answered by Caroline 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess it depends on the situationin hand before the affair. Whilst affairs are never right, the betrayed party needs to have a long cool look at their behavior before the break down and see whether that in any way contributed to the fault occuring. If the problem stemmed from the ultimate betrayer having his confidence and self esteem put down over and over and over till someting snapped, then the question has to be asked does the asker actually WANT to trust again? Or do they come on here looking for opinions from people who dont know the parties involved and say "hey everyone says im not to trust you so heck, im not gonna".
Yes Im the husband in question, yes I did wrong, but for those who want to belittle me and judge me on one side of a long an complicated story - you really know nothing.
2006-11-08 10:11:49 · answer #3 · answered by gtpafc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl, no its not fair! I believe that you need to end this relationship because all its doing is tearing you up! It will be very hard for you to ever trust him completely. Now is it over? Well that's up to you, but this person can't love you and he sure didn't think of your feelings. I'm very sorry, I know that its a hard to let go of someone you love so much, but believe me time will heal. Hope things work out for you, and one more thing sometimes one doesn't understand why things happen in life but everything happens for a reason, maybe this relationship just wasn't meet to be maybe the right guy is just around the corner! Good luck!!
2006-11-08 10:10:37 · answer #4 · answered by fairyjin1971 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust is something you gain over time. You just cant forget the lies and most of all that gut feeling is always going to be there. Sweetie, I know you have probably already heard this but get rid of him! There are other fish in the sea and there is deffinently someone worthy of your love. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, I dont have to put up with this no matter how much it is going to hurt cuz I am a fantastic person!
2006-11-08 09:50:43 · answer #5 · answered by sis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Without trust you dont have much to build on really.
If one of you has had an affair it sounds like the relationship is over anyway - trust or no trust..
2006-11-08 09:34:09 · answer #6 · answered by Bored at work 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For the most part yes because once you 've been cheated on you have a reason to not trust and if they are demanding your trust and you can't give it. Whoever cheated should have to earn trust back and usually once a cheater always a cheater. There are some cases where people who cheat do stop but i wouldn't place my heart on that one
2006-11-08 09:59:32 · answer #7 · answered by anon a 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once trust is lost in a relationship it is very hard to get it back. It takes alot of PROVING on the part of the one who was untrustworthy to regain that trust. If they are not willing to work on it, the relationship will just continue to decline and yes, it will be over. Demanding trust won't work, proving it will.
2006-11-08 09:23:50 · answer #8 · answered by notfreeinnh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As soon as an affair occurs, the marriage / relationship is pretty much doomed straight away. Unless they are doing everything possible to make you trust them again. If they are still lying, etc. then they aren't worth time or effort.
2006-11-08 09:23:56 · answer #9 · answered by GirlinNB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its tricky.
as ther isnt any indication from the cheating party to indicate their repentance then you cant be sure they arent still sleeping around.
on the other hand, if you cant trust without proof, you havent gotten over the last misdeed.
both parties have to give more than they are doing now to move the relatioship forward.
love is all about giving, not receiving. when you start noticing that the other party isnt giving, it just means you've stopped giving
2006-11-08 10:53:31 · answer #10 · answered by trusted27 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋