have my husband and I grown to far apart to fix our marriage?

Question

We never had to much in common but that is what brought us together. I am totally into family, kids, reading, kids education, I have wanted a good husband and a big family all my life and I did get both so why am I complaining right? I am a homemaker with five little ones at home(ages 10,7,6,4,2). My husband works 3rd shift so he pretty much so sleeps all the time. when he is off he either goes out or takes a weekend trip to see his family,or he sleeps some more. He is not active with me or the kids. We don't even sleep in the same room half the time. I feel swamped between housework, hair combing(4 girls), cooking, doctors appointments, kids activities, homework and lets not forget my husband won't drive so I have to take him back and forth to work. I'm rushing trying to get this question out right now so I can get the kids up and get him. Yes I have a nice home and things and even though it is absolutly wonderful to be able to be there for my children, I feel like iv'e lost me.

Answer 1

wow, I thought you said 4 kids, but 5 that's a handful. We have 3 kids at home, and my mother in law lives with us as well and she helps a whole lot, and still, my wife is really stressed.
Kids can be really crazy... they want a lot of attention.
The other thing is this night shift thing. If there was any way to change that, it would be the first thing I'd change. Graveyard shift and marriages just don't mix. I know it's easier said than done (finding another job), but I think he believes his family is worth it. His kids need him. He needs to be a lot more than a walking,talking paycheck. Even in my own marriage I'm realizing I need to help a lot more. I spend time with the kids pretty much every evening when I get home from work, and then during the week-end, but even that just isn't enough.
It sounds like you've got it real tough and you really need a break. The thing about not having things in common... I know about it. It's happening to us too and we only have 3 kids. That's because that's all we do all day and night, take care of the kids, and we have no time for ourselves to create things that we have in common. Memories can be created, but he has to be willing. It sounds to me like he needs to be talked to, but not nagged. Someone needs to lay it out for him, and then if he still won't make an effort to do something (no matter how small) to have quality time with you and the rest of the family, then I would start worrying. I wish you could both read the book "His needs/her needs". I know that some people think it's rather harsh, but it's good advice. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/0800717880/ref=cm_rev_next/002-0503775-6041656?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort%5Fby=-SubmissionDate&n=283155&s=books&customer-reviews.start=21
It is all about fulfilling each other's needs:
Need #1: She-Affection
Need #1: He-Sexual Fulfillment

Need #2: She-Conversation
Need #2: He-Recreational Companionship

Need #3: She-Honesty and Openness
Need #3: He-An Attractive Spouse

Need #4: She-Financial Support
Need #4: He-Domestic Support

Need #5: She-Family Commitment
Need #5: He-Admiration

Answer 2

Oh well you know that saying about opposites attracting. You know you answered your own question really . Why are you complaining ? You got what you always wanted. RIGHT !!! Maybe not quite eh . I think even if your husband is tired you should atleast still try and sleep together. You obviously used to, hence 5 kids. I am not suprised that you feel like you have lost your own identity, probably because you certainly have. You and your husband need some time together and find yourselves again or l hate to say it but you will end up drifting apart caught up in your own little worlds. Surely you must have family or a good friend who will take care of the kids for a few days so you and your husband can take some time out for yourselves. Quite frankly l really believe that is probably all you need to rekindle that old flame that l'm sure is still burning somewhere amongst your busy lifestyle. If your love for each other is strong enough , you can survive anything. Believe me l know . Best Wishes for a long and happy life together.

Answer 3

I understand how you feel. Since you wanted the big family and you really enjoy the kids, I would say that you might as well continue to enjoy them. "They grow up so fast" is what people used to say to me, however not everyone has six kids, and sometimes ya think, uh...no they don't.

Your husband sounds more like a pet. A pet with a paycheck. I suggest you have him neutered though. He sounds as dependent on you as the children.

Make him take on more responsibility with the children, get him up, and tell him the family he needs to visit is in the other room, not on some weekend trip out of town. You have the keys, so start a hobby, take ceramics or join a quilting club, or visit your Friends and family for a weekend now and then. A couple of hours here and there, ALONE. You don't need to feel guilty about getting away from the kids now and then. You can lose yourself, I did, so don't, it is not a pretty picture when you run into yourself when the kids are all grown.

If he won't hire a babysitter to take you out, or spend a weekend with you, you really need to make him understand how you feel. Child support for 5 kids is pretty steep.

Answer 4

If your husband refuses to change, I don't see what else you can do. You don't mention if you or he have seen a counselor either separately or together. That could certainly help if you haven't tried it. Ultimately, if he won't commit to improving your relationship, you have to decide which is more important - keeping your marriage intact or finding real happiness in your life. Starting anything with another man before you are divorced would be a mistake so I'm glad to know that you are not considering that option. Maybe try a separation for a few months and see if that does anything to open his eyes about your feelings. It would also give you a chance to see how you feel being on your own.

Answer 5

sounds like u have timewith him in the car. Take advantage of it.

Request a datenight once a month.
ask for some pillow talk when you go to bed.

Get a sexy nightie and compliment him

A part of love is two people who make each other feel good.

get counseling if you can.

Take an evening walk and he stays with the kids.


It is common to feel like you when your kids are that age, and that loving romantic man you married is't there for you. Hon, this will change. They do grow up.

Try welcoming him home and hug and kiss him and thank him for working hard to support you all. A compliment goes far.

You have your hands full.Take some time for you. Once a week take YOU time. Have the hubby tend to the kids while you take a hot mineral bath. Shave your legs give yourself a facial. Cut your toe nails. Have peaceful music on. Light some candles. It will revive you/

Remember you can't take care of those you love until you take care of yourself.

Your kids are old enough to do some chores. Give them stars and if they do well they get a prize at the end of the week.

Answer 6

Number one....I would stop shuttling him around! If he can't drive, or doesn't want to...let him catch a ride with a neighbor who works in the same area as he, or a fellow co-worker. Or let him use public transportation.
Next, I would demand that he take the whole family on these weekend trips to see his family, after all, they are now your and your childrens' family too. As for him just going out on the weekends....tell him he has to take at least 2-3 of the kids with him when he goes.
He should only sleep for 8-10 hours after he gets off his night job and then he should get up and spend some quality time with you and his children. If he does not agree to these things, then ask him how he would like to have a divorce and see how that strikes him.

Answer 7

WOW.. first of all... KUDOS! what a great mom you are! It does sound like you need a break and some "lov'n" Let me tell you this. Men think "dont fix what is not broken". If they feel content, they arent going to do anything to make it better. He thinks that you are happy. He thinks that things are good. The house is clean, kids are good, dinner is cooked.. what more could he ask for? My advice to you is.. DELAGATE! Tell your kids what you need from them. The 3 oldest ones are old enough to help you with some of the load. Tell your husband that you need more from him.Dont be nasty about it, but let him know how you feel. Maybe take the kids a couple times a month to gmas and have a night alone for the two of you. It is better that you start now so that you dont start to hold a grudge that he puts all of this on you. Make at least one night a month for a YOU night. Go out, eat dinner with friends, or something like that. Let your husband be "you". Good Luck!

Answer 8

it kind of sounds to me that you have taken over the roll as mother and father and he is willing to let this happen because he is too lazy....i am not trying to be rude but a man that has 5 kids and won't even learn to drive himself!!!!! my husband also works 3rd shift and two days a week he has a second job so i only get to see him on those days when he is getting dressed to leave.....we also sleep in different rooms because i have a bad back and our bed just makes it worse so i sleep on the couch, but i wouldn't say my marriage is lacking anything!!! we don't get to do alot together but we make sure what time we do have is good......have you tried talking to your husband about how you are feeling? maybe you two could spend some time together while you are teaching him how to drive!!!! and you need to get your kids to help you do some things around the house so it isn't all on you to do it...they are old enough for chores!!!! this is something else you and your husband could do together and after you two set up the chore list you could all sit down as a family and go over the list with the kids. you could even give the 2 & 4 year olds something small like picking up their toys and other small things like that....no matter how small it is, it is still something you won't have to do yourself!!!

Good luck...you and your family will be in my prayers!!!

Answer 9

You asked the question so it's already embedded in your mind that there's no hope.

This is due to the deep frustration level you've gone through each day and you don't see any reason for it to change anytime soon.

Can it be repaired?
1) Yes, if your husband feels the same way.
2) No, if your husband doesn't see it the same way.
3) Maybe, if both of you want it to work and if counseling can bring both of you back nearer to the same parallel with each other.

Answer 10

Go for counseling.It sounds to me like you dont work outside the home. Be glad, I know plenty of women who work full time and take care of kids. I am curious as to why your husband wont drive, but he sounds like great husband.He works his a$$ off to support you and the kids, so he has a right to some time for himself on weekends. If you need a break from the kids is there anyone who can help out for on weekends?

How you can feel you have lost you when this is what you wanted?