I am a single parent.My wife and I got divorced 6yrs ago.We hv a daughter who's now 17yo.She's lives with me & last yr went to the poly for a 3yr mass communication dipolma course.Last week,she admitted to me that she is a lesbian and even has a g/f of the same poly.It took me by surprise and i was too shock to say anything.She was a typical beautiful sweet girl (NOT tomboy)She too had many boyfriends even during her o levels time.What worries me is the kind of girls she goes out with.What can I do to hv a heart to heart talk with her.
2006-11-07 22:51:54 · 25 answers · asked by chasen54 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Hi from England. Sir I do not know how you feel, howeever like some of the ansers it amy be a phase we dont know. Its not like when people take up sports and groe out of it. relationships make or break people. In todays society people are free to epress their sexuality. maybe thats what scares you. But no matter what SHE decides to she knows she ahs the full supprt of her parents father and when if things go wrong she knows she can talk to you cos your dad! and as parents wea re always there for them.
Just keep loving your daughter welcome her girlfriend as you would a boyfriend.
2006-11-07 23:03:00 · answer #1 · answered by dave c 4 · 4⤊ 2⤋
Hmmm. Well first you should talk to her the same way you would talk to her about boys. She's in that time of her life when she wants to do things her way and try new things. She's 17 and practically an adult so there's not much you can really do. All you can do is hope that she will make the right decisions for her and that she will be happy. Her happiness will come from you as her father and from her knowing that no matter what decisions she makes you will love and support her.
Ask her to bring her partner over so you can at least meet them and have dinner. Get to know what's going on in your daughter's life and be an active parent. You'd want to do the same thing if she was dating a guy wouldn't you so this shouldn't really be difficult. As long as you don't freak out and become one of those disowning parents then I think things will work out fine. Just show her your love and be happy that she's happy. Hopefully (for you) she's just going through an experimental phase and it will pass but if not then be prepared for the long haul and don't distance yourself from her. Who knows...maybe she'll introduce you to a really nice woman who is looking for an intelligent, good-looking male with a nice heart. happy parenting and good luck. :-)
2006-11-07 23:10:22 · answer #2 · answered by pheirmeizer001 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
First off alot of girls dont look like a tom boy and are gay. Take me for example. I work in an office I work in a legal office environment I wear womens clothes I get my hair done and my nails done, I like to go to spas, I am very feminine, But I am a lesbian, from the outside i look like your everyday average american.
In High school I was Homecoming Queen, Co-Captain of the Cheerleading Squad, and Played Varsity Volleyball. I dated the Half-back on my school football team for the entire 4 years of High School. I had a lot of guys who liked me, and when I came out to my friends and family the first thing they said was "But you are so pretty, why??" And I started to think do I have to be a tom-boy, and ugly as sin to be gay? The answer is no. I personally went through the relationship with other men because that was what I was taught to be right, but as I grew up I started to realize that You have to be true to yourself.
Thats all your daughter is doing is being true to herself.
Maybe its just a curiosity thing and she may not even be completely gay, just curious whatever the situation may be, Just allow her to be who she wants to be in life.
Personally you can't change who she goes out with, you will have to rely on trust, because the more you say no the more she will say yes and a situation like that can turn out to be a really ugly one. If I was you I would give my opinion without seeming to demanding of her.
Remember "DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER"
Just because she introduces you to a girl who lookes as though she is wearing your clothes, doesn't mean that she is a bad girl. Some women are not all about appearance, they only dress they way they feel the most comfrotable. Get to know the girl just like you would if she was dating a guy. Remember behind the mens clothes there is a Woman/Girl. So you still have to treat her as such. Just go to her and ask if you and her can talk and state what you fear. My dad did it with me, I know he was nervous because it took him about 30 min to ask his first question but after the conversation, our relationship improved and he understands me and I understand him. And when I met my girfriend, he got to know her,and they actually get along well.
2006-11-08 05:07:27 · answer #3 · answered by Some1Special 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a 61 yr. old lesbian and at age 18 I came out to my parents. That was a very mixed time for all concerned. My mom was great about it and my dad turned forever against me till the day he died.
The GLBT life style is not a choice we are born to be who we are, just like the color of hair, eyes, etc.
Your daughter may even be BI instead of lesbian-only she can answer that and in the mean time she will be exploring. Why we GLBT have to let the world know about our sexuality is way beyond me.
As for your "talk", maybe take her out to lunch and just enjoy the each other, then take a nice quiet walk in a natural setting and gently, GENTLY, get to know your daughter all over again. Let her bring up "THE" subject, if she feels like it, and when it's your turn be kind and TRY to understand and don't condemn. Ask her to invite a friend over for dinner and she will love you all the more for it.
You are in a hard spot right now and I really feel for you, but handle it right and you and your daughter will not miss a beat in your love for each other.
2006-11-08 00:18:50 · answer #4 · answered by dragon 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Your fears are exactly the same as any other parent, its just you are thinking that there is something different about it being girls instead of guys.
For a 17yr old who is still dependent on you, the rules still apply. You have a right to tell her what time she is expected in, and to be introduced to the person she is dating. You need to tell her that she needs to protect herself from STD's, no different than if she was with a guy, although you don't need to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. You need to talk to her about how she should expect to be treated in a relationship, that respect is just as important, and women can be just as physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive as men.
This is your daughter and this is her life, but the basics are still the same, she's 17 and its your job to protect her while encouraging her. Be open about your fears and concerns but realize that they are yours not hers and somethings are just because you are a parent. However I would not treat her dating woman any differently than you would her dating guys. She needs to tell you where she is going, who she is with and when she will return. Like anything else, listen to your gut, if you don't feel good about a person she is dating, pay attention to why and if you find a good reason, discuss it with her.
Good luck to you both, she sounds lucky to have you.
2006-11-08 00:10:36 · answer #5 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Finding out your child is gay is probably one of the most devestating things a parent can find out.
I am gay and also a single father who raised two boys, I raised them their whole lives. One of my fears was always of them being be gay !
The thought of it would leave me empty and so scared for my kids.
Gay life would be so hard, they would be hated by many, life is so much more complicated, they wont have over 1000 legal rights due to the fact of discrimination by the government. I could go on and on and all the way down to no grandchildren!
But over the years as a gay (now grandfather of 3) man I have found a new heart and peace of mind.
Your daughter is still your little girl, her person of love is her person of love which has nothing to do with your love for her or her's for you.
She could have a terrible life with a man, I need not go through the list of how bad men/boys can be to girls and what kind of a looser she could end up.
She is still a beautiful sweet girl, your beautiful sweet girl, and you need to let her know that.
Think about it you would have worried about her no matter who she was going out with. You would have worried man no matter if she was straight.
This is due to the shock of it for you and now your mind is playing those nasty tricks on you.
To have that talk do what you would always do ( hopefully you two are close) it not now is your time to get close.
Ask her to sit and talk with you, dont loose your patience, no anger, and show her lots of love. If you are physical with her, I mean lovingly so then do not change that and make sure you do not. Talk to her from you heart let her know that you love her, let her know too that this is not easy for you, you have your right to have a difficult time with this. Let her know that is ok if you are having difficulty with this (you still love her) but she has to let you (she is not entilted to expect you not to have a difficult time) process and accept this.
See all of the process is towards healing and growing and getting closer. We do have our rights to our emotions, but share them with her with love.
One of your problems may be with who she goes out with she may go with some girls who dont to you look like nice girls.
You must know that looks are nothing, if the girls are not fem or what have you their looks do not show their heart. And remember what the boys this age look like and are into, it isnt much different either way.
Be there for her no matter how you hurt or worry, love her for her and do not let the stereo types get in your heart way.
Call PFLAG which is a huge well formed support group of parents whose children are gay. A great support of understanding an eye opening for you a parent who just found out.
You may want to treat your daughter normally for now and go to the group a few times before you talk to her.
Your feelings are just your feelings they will not do anything to you or anyone else as long as you do not let them take the reins and act uneducatedly and angry under these circmstances.
And this is not your fault there is no fault or choice involved here please know that.
Good Luck
2006-11-07 23:42:43 · answer #6 · answered by Crampy Grampy 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Be open and honest with her! Just keep in mind... you can't change who she is - nor would you want to. It took a lot for her to tell you this. Don't betray her trust by getting down on her. As for the kind of girls she goes out with... Treat it as if they were boys. Give your fatherly advice the same way you would if it was her boyfriend.
Good luck!
2006-11-08 01:24:29 · answer #7 · answered by zaniest1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can have a good heart to heart talk with your daughter, as long as you don't judge her for the way that she lives. Her sexual desires are her own, not yours. In this way you should be able to have a open talk with her and be able to question her picks in partners. Just try not to push her away. Then you are the loser all the way around.
2006-11-08 01:11:42 · answer #8 · answered by ranchforman57 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her how much you love her and explain to her any problems you might have. If you are having problems try to find out if their is a 'parents and friends of lesbians and gays' group near you - there are lots throughout the world, and there you can discuss how you feel with people who are in the same situation. I would suggest that this probably isn't a phase if she has come out to you. She still is that typical sweet girl, she is just happier being with women than with men.
2006-11-07 23:09:04 · answer #9 · answered by chris_morganuk 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
A father having heart-to-heart talks with his daughter is tough. I understand your situation, in that I am a father of a daughter who went a direction that I did not desire that she go. First of all, do not blame yourself or your ex-wife----your daughter made this decision on her own. Sit down with her and just ask her Why? Be kind and gentle, do not be judgmental. Assure her that you love her and that you are confused by her decision and that you are merely looking for her to enlighten you concerning the reason why she chose the orientation that she did. Do not make any demands of her, do not give her any ultimatums---you will loose her forever. It could be that this is a form of temporary rebellion or just an experiment. Let her know of your concerns, but do so in love. DO NOT MAKE AN ISSUE OF THIS, as young people confront issues with combat. After this conversation leave it alone. Put it in God's hands and let him deal with it.
2006-11-07 23:03:49 · answer #10 · answered by Preacher 6 · 2⤊ 3⤋