Is My Marriage Doomed?

Question

My wife comes from a pretty dysfunctional family history. Basically every woman in her family(mom, grandmother, aunt, sister) has linked up with a dog. Her grandfather and father both have had mutiple children and affairs outside their marriage and hit their wives. She has talked to me about this and said she feels like she was able to break the cycle by acknowleging the pattern and seeking to change it. She also has said that she knows "a man like me" will eventually leave her for someone else, and admitted that at times she tried to sabotage the relationship to avoid getting hurt when I inevitably leave her. Over the last few years I have continuely seen her trying to sabotge our relationship. Whenever we have the slightest disagreement she threatens to leave. These threats have become daily events and it has put me in a constant state of apology and unhappiness. She Will not go to cousiling. My soul can not take my wife telling me everyday she is going to leave me. What do I do?

Answer 1

Telling her to simply stop what she's doing isn't going to work because it's going to take more than that to get her to actually change her outlook based on her history. U really need to convince her to seek professional help because no amount of reasurrance from u is going to help if her outlook is bleak to begin with. You can tell her that you know about her trying to sabotage the relationship but you can't take being treated like this anymore.

Your marriage doesn't sound healthy and you have to make up your own mind if this is something you're willing to live with constantly.

Answer 2

This is from the other side of the story - I was in a similar position that your wife is in. The thing is, she is saying she is leaving because she wants you to tell her how much you love her and not to go - i felt it was the only way to actually see my partner show his emotions and value of our relationship.
I know I lost the one person I ever loved because of what i thought he 'might' do - even though I never had any reason to doubt him...it was all in my head.

I loved my partner more than anything but I needed constant reassurance that he wasn't going to leave me...in the end that was what ended it - he felt he had to lie about what he was doing esp. if he was spending time with friends that were female.

You could try small things to help reassure her that you won't leave, like making sure that you tell her if you're going to be home late from work and CALL HER from work sometime during the night, write little notes / send an sms during the day. The little things so really make a difference. Tell her that you are with her because you want to be with her alone, no one else.

But above all make sure you are always honest - because even a little lie to try a 'protect' her from feeling hurt etc will always be found out and multiply the effect.

Answer 3

Very sad situation. You have my sympathy. With a history like that, your wife needs counselling and she needs it badly.

There is a book called "Women who love too much" if you can get it it might give you some insights into the problems you are facing and if you can get her to read it, it may help.

Basically the problem is she feels insecure because you don't treat her like the other men she has known in her family. As ridiculous as that sounds, and as much as she felt she could break the cycle, she can't without help. What her logic tells her and what her emotions tell her (based on the history) are in constant conflict until she takes steps to deal with the emotional side.

Unfortunately, this is a bit like alcoholism - only the person can help themselves.

Can you perhaps involve another female relative she and you both trust? That may be a way of getting her to counselling.

Try the book - at least you will have some insights, and you never know - if it is lying around, she may read it too, on the quiet of course.

Answer 4

OKAY, you do not need marriage counseling ,she needs therapy.
Tell her to get some soon or she will be gone.
It may also be time to call her bluff. Sometime when she says " I'm going to leave" tell her there's the door. This continuous threat is her plea for attention and your begging to stay.
It sounds like she is confused enough to view your apologizing as love. I think that you should catch a quiet moment and explain that you love her and want to her to stay but that you have reached the end of your patience with this behavior. Explain that you are not the abusive man she is accustomed to and she needs to understand that. Her view of men "like you" is based on her not really knowing men like you. She must change her behavior and do it soon. If she finds it impossible to modify this cycle there will quickly come a time where she will say I'm leaving and you will show her the door. This is not what you want but the behavior has not changed.
And please, get some therapy, for her. You might go as well.
You have individual needs to address before marriage counseling can work.
Last item, Make sure she understands that should your marriage break up it will be on her not you. She wants to blame the man scum she is used to. You are not them. Her inability to accept a decent guy is causing this. Its on her. Therapy is the cure.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

It sounds like she doesn't really think that she can break the family cycle of cheating.

She has huge insecurity about what her future holds. If she clames it, she will become it.

How can you deal with this daily drama? Life doesn't have to be so dysfunctional.

This is not a healthy relationship, it is one built on threats of leaving and fear of affairs.

You both need counseling. You heed to realize that although you love her, you might not be able to make a comitment to her because of the drama. She has a great deal of growing up to do.
An exellent book that saved my sanity is called
ARE YOU THE ONE FOR ME

We all love someone that we can't be with.

Also you just have one life to live....why live in such missery. A relatlionship builds each other up not down. This drama will make you bitter and angry. This is NOT what love is all about.

You are going to have to set boundries with her...Tell her no more threats or you will be the one who leavles. Tell her you want to make this work but you need her to join you in counseling.

She needs to relearn how to have a relationships.

God be with you

Answer 6

Reading the word dog was scary but I presume you mean a worthless man. She is insecure and her misery wants company. The next time she threatens to leave,don't apologize,a marriage is a 50/50 deal and after years of this she probably won't change.Why would you stay in a relationship that makes you walk on eggshells?Everyone deserves a little happiness so let her leave. Maybe she will realize what she lost and come back and try to work on the marriage with you.

Answer 7

This is very hard on you. I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her straight that you can't take much more of her saying this to you. You need to have this talk when things are calm between you not when she's talking of leaving etc. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. She needs to make her mind up. Tell her how much you care about her but you can't take anymore. She may well at this point get angry and defensive (and possibly threaten to leave again). Tell her if that's what she wants, then she must do it. Say she's obviously not happy with you anymore.

She probably won't leave but may well continue to argue. Don't be drawn into an argument. Just continue to make it clear that you cannot go on being treated like this. It's unfair to expect you to.

When things calm down...talk and make a pact that she'll talk to you when she's feeling insecure or angry and you will listen. But she must not make threats to leave.

I hope this helps.

Answer 8

Hey Boss sounds like your lady is reading to much into the weakness of her kin and not in the strength of you and her own character .
I suggest that you sit her down in a quiet environment and tell her the truth that you love her and are prepared to stay with her no matter what ,but she has to see that your love is stronger and more stable than the men that have given her this negative out look on men in married life . I find that you need to kiss your lady good night when you roll in and goodbye Ill miss you when you head off to work and tell her you love her and that your world revolves around her being there for you . She is suffering from a bad case of your daddy did it so , so will every man . but you are not every man your her man and that's the way it is and has to be.

Answer 9

Your wife needs some serious couples counseling----her lack of self-esteem and self worth didn't come over night---years of baggage she is still carrying around with her---It is so bad that she now owns this baggage and doesn't want to rid herself of it!

People who don't seek out counseling intervention sabatoge the situation even more.

You really need to break this cycle---it's unhealthy and your wife is being emotionally abusive by her constant threats---if you do leave she'll punish herself even more by saying "SEE THEY"RE ALL ALIKE___THEY ALWAYS LEAVE"!

Counseling----no matter what she says---you need to communicate this to her that YOU both will be seeing a couples counselor to make your marriage stronger and a marriage that you both can build on instead of tearing it down bit by bit!

Answer 10

Your poor wife is feeling very insecure, all you need to tell her when she threatens to leave is that you couldn't live without her, she wants you to plead with her not to go, she wants you to put your arms around her and tell her that nothing else matters but her. She obviously realises how lucky she is, loves you but is terrified of losing you. You must keep reassuring her ( even if it gets a little monotonous ), I'm sure with time she will settle down and realise that you have no intention of leaving her. Best wishes.