Is it all men or just mine?

Question

Are all men as forgetful as my husband? He forgets things on a regular basis. Then when I say something about it, he acts like I think he's worthless. We've recently been going through some really tough times and although it affects us both, I have been the main one trying to pick ups the pieces and get through this mess. Why isn't he more sensitive to what he's putting me/us through? I had always felt so proud of him and adored him, but these days, I actually enjoy my time away from him. Is he the problem? Am I the problem? Is this something common among men? Can anyone shed some light on this topic?

We've been together for over ten years. He has been diagnosed with depression and has been undergoing both medication therapy and counseling. I have worked very hard to trust my husband and always give him him the benefit of the doubt, but after things got to the point where he attempted suicide and everything he'd been hiding (to avoid conflict and disapppointing his family) came out, I could no longer stand by idly as I feel I once had. Lots of things have changed, and very dramatically in a short time. Our financial stability is gone. Our marriage is definitely rocky. We lost our first baby about six months ago due to a miscarriage. We are both seeing doctors and an attorney to try and get our lives back. The thing is, I certainly don't try to make him feel bad, but I don't know if he realizes how much what he has done really affects me, and therefore, us. There have been many times when I truly did not know if I could go on.

He's a wonderful, caring man, but he just doesn't seem to understand how I feel. I work full time and for the past two months, almost all of my time outside of work has been spent dealing with all of our emotional and financial difficulties. I am so very drained and I feel it affecting every aspect of my life. I'm just getting tired - tired of feeling unhappy and hopeless. I don't know how to talk to him in a way that gets my point across without it hurting him.

Answer 1

My husband has also been diagnosed with depression. He, too, is going through therapy and he's on Effexor. I don't think it is forgetfulness. I just talked to him about this, this morning. It's like he isn't processing info. Once he hears it, he cannot retain the info. I told him DO NOT put clothes in the wash...2 minutes later (literally) he is starting a load of laundry. He thought I told him not to put fabric softner in the wash. We work together which makes it harder for us. We work retail, so we get any one of 7 days off. I LIKE getting my days separate. He wants us to have the same off days and I don't know how to tell him I need my down time, without him taking it personal. Because of his depression, he takes everything personal. Do y'all go to therapy together at all? His shrink asked me to come to some of his appts. So he goes alone sometimes, and sometimes we go as a couple. I don't think either of you are the problem individually. I think you need the time apart, but there has to be some time together, or you will end up in divorce court. Y'all need to sit down and talk. It helped my marriage, though we have another issue going on stemming from the depression. You need to talk to him. Find out WHY he doesn't remember things. Are you sure he is remmebering to take his meds EVERY day? My husbands Effexor is supposed to help his concentration. Alot depends on the dosage. Maybe talk to his doctor yourself. Let the doctor know what is going on. He/She may up the meds or change it altogether.

Answer 2

My husband behaves exactly the same way. He would forget errands and when I remind him, he gets offended. Sometimes he would just come up with some lame excuse and after a month the errand is still not done. Perhaps your husband has gone through a phase in his life when he did feel worthless, that's why he reactes in that way. Men will never understand what women go through and that's a fact. Either you explain to him in simple English or he will always think that YOU are the problem. Try writing down your worries instead of talking to him and see how it goes...

Answer 3

I know what you mean. I don't have the answer but am going thru the same thing. I thing after a few years they think they don't have to try anymore. I am a woman and a truck driver, I was working local at home. But now I can't wait to get away. I really enjoy my LIFE away from him. I just miss home. I'm going back on the road. Nobody enjoys spending time with somebody that doesn't try or care. Do what makes you happy and don't worry about him. He's not worried about you.

Answer 4

First you have to ask yourself; does he forget important stuff, like your birthday or anniversary? Or is it worse, like what day it is. Maybe he had Alzheimers, and he is too proud to admit it. Talk to your doc and see if there is a test you can do at home with him. If you have reason to believe he has Alzheimers, call his doc and ask him to make an appt. This is very important. It can be the heat of many arguments.
However, maybe he is just a flake.
My hubby will forget things I have told him or where he laid something down, but he won't forget making whoopee last Tuesday.
If he is flakey, then maybe a little bit of flakiness directed his way will help to fix it. Forget to make dinner, or to do whatever you do on a regular basis for him and maybe he will get the idea. After awhile, hopefully he won't be so forgetful.
Good luck!

Answer 5

Men and women are so different in how they think and operate...Some times when the tough times come....the problem is that the two of you dwell on the present circumstances...or dwell on finding someone to blame(each other)....and if you dont know how to communicate to one another about the situation....then it will cause a riff between you that will grow bigger.....Go to a psychologist.....
Men are typically not good at being the ones who "pick up the pieces and fix the mess"....not on an emotional level....Women typically are.....
It's hard.....it happens all the time.....Often people who really love each other split up because they get farther and farther away from each other and don't know how to get back......It actually happened to me....23 yrs married....it has been 3 yrs since we divorced.....we have just recently gotten to the point where we are trying to work our way back and mend all the damage done.....because he didnt get it....and I got tired of picking up the pieces...and it was easier and easier as I "actually enjoyed my time away from him". We should have gotten help and learned to communicate what we needed and wanted from each other.....Don't just let it go........Dont give up the fight......

Answer 6

It sounds kind of like he may be trying to distance himself from the problems at hand a little. It's his way of dealing with the situation. As for your seeing him in a different light, it could very well be the simple fact that you're stressed and worried and the closest one (your husband) is going to receive the brunt of your frustration. I'm sure when you get thru your troubles things will go back to the way they were. Most important thing is to try to work them out together. Don't let it tear you and your marriage apart.

Answer 7

My guy had depression too. It affected his memory.

God brought us through it. I prayed heaps.

There is recovery and help, even if you don't believe in God going to counselling together will help. I know you can't make your husband attend appointments for counselling but try a cognitive behavioural therapist.

I believe depression is the issue, with the memory and the relationship - I hung on to this "Don't weary of doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you don't give up"

Just hang in their and love him, still live your life (include him if possible) Sometimes it is just impossible when they put themselves to bed for 2 days...

I hope this sheds some light

Answer 8

Sometimes by reminding him that "you are the only one trying to pick up the pieces" you are taking away his manliness. I am sure that you guys are both trying, but men work differently. They aren't as open and emotional as women. This is why we begin to tell ourselves that they aren't doing the things that they really are...just in they're own way. You said it yourself...you"always felt so proud of him and adored him" he can sense that you aren't anymore. Do yourself a favor...every hour, try to think of one positive thing that has happened, you will get some positive thinking and things will get better...you'll see.

Answer 9

Welcome to the world of marriage. Yes all men are like that,they all live in the here and now.If you throw more then one issue at a man he's lost he then goes into brain over load .They can only handle one thing at a time.Does he act like he doesn't no what you are talking about when you bring up something that happened yesterday.Believe it or not he really doesn't no. I have been married 3 different times and everyone of my husband.

Answer 10

You're in the old marriage rut. This is the hard part. Take a nice vacation together, leave the kids at grandmas and rekindle the romance. You need to get reaquainted with each other. No one is to blame yet we tend to blame each other. It will work out in time if you stay postive and communicate.