How do you resolve roommate issues?

Question

We have let a friend and her daughter live with us for over a year, they are 26 and 5. The agreement was for $200.00 a month for both, full run of the house and a bedroom each. We loaned her $500.00 last March to get her car on the road. I babysit for free.She has only paid a total of $500.00. She also breaks things on a regular basis, leaves cigg burns, has little regard for our ways or requests. She only works 1 or 2 nights a week. Her car is illegal. We try to be her friends but we feel like this relationship is becoming bad to us. We love her little girl though and are the best thing for the child.We are trying to do the right thing but she seems to be taking advantage and doing nothing, even though I encourage her all the time. How do we fix this?

Answer 1

This is just terrible!!!!!!!! - this is the truth of the situation.

Your kindness has been outstanding to her and her child and I am sure that she struggles as a mother to do the best that she can. But, like you have clearly pointed out, she has come to abuse your hospitality and good-natured friendship in the process.

I too would be a little angry by the way she has come into your lives and made herself comfortable with all that you have given to her and she is now taking completley for granted. I wouldn't be suprised if she doesn't feel guilty for all of the things you have done for her and if she doesn't have parents of her own, might very well feel guilty for the fact that you have done kindness where her own family probabley hadn't.

It is a very difficult situation and because you have given her so much for free and unconditionally, she will want to give you the world for it and that is perhaps part of the problem here?. But what stops her from paying her way is that such is the guilt she might feel for having been given so much for little in return, that she feels akward and embaressed about it all and not that she doesn't care or wants to abuse your kindness.

When somone doesn't have very much in their lives, and then you two lovely people come along and give her the world, there will be a lot of shame and guilt on her part for this and she will feel disarmed by your generosity and even overwhelmed by it. I know that this isn't helpful to you, but this is what I am seeing and have been in your situation many times in the past

I feel quite sad for this girl, but also angry for the fact that she didn't mean to abuse your trust but did. Now, however, you will have to find some way of letting her know that your generosity wasn't meant to do this, it wasn't meant for your arrangement with her to be impaired and that she does have to abide by the rules you have set out because you feel that the boundaries have become blurred and need to be set in place again.

If you just demand for her to pay you what she owes you and take on a more aggressive stance, this may fuel the problem even more and because you have been the ones to change the boundaries (not her) and so she will also feel betrayed because you gave this free-kindness unconditionally. You need to approach this as if you are going to admit to being too kind with her and because you wanted to be.

But also that this has blurred the boundaries and now what you want, is for her and you to do this properley from now on. You are not going to baybsit free of charge and you are not going to encourage her to do anything - she is going to be the one to take full responsibility from now on and to pay her way according to the new rules you have set out.

Whatever rules that went before were blurred and because you had merged them with too much generosity, so addmitting to this with her is the best way to go about this with her and she will respect you and be more likely to co-operate with you how you are wanting her to. If you throw her out, this will be awful and it's like you have shown care to her and then rejected her and will cause her to feel as if this is all her fault when it isn't.

Of course, you do need her to start paying her rent and to start taking responsibility for herself and her responsibilities and you can get her to do this by giving her back some powers you had accidently taken by doing everything for her. You are good people and she knows this, but you cannot just demand her to start doing this if on the other hand, you are disarming her to take action.

Let her know that you didn't mean for your kindness to change the rules and that the rules haven't changed just because of this, but give her what the rules are so that she is clear about them and knows where she stands with you and the rent etc. This will take some of the guilt off her shoulders and allow her to treat you in the ways she wants to but can't if you are going to keep altering the boundaries.

She isn't responsible for what your kindness has done, but she is for taking responsibility for herself. You have to start this on a new footing with each other and the sooner you stop being so kind, the sooner she will feel like she is in control of her life. Stand back from her problems and her personal buisness, but do give her the rules.

I know that you now see where it has all gone wrong and it can be corrected very simply by following this advice I give to you because could see right away what was happening.

As for her child, she isn't abusing nor neglecting her if you are the one offering to take responsibility for her welfare. She is only doing what you are so keen to do for her and am sure she would find a babysitter for her daughter if you didn't offer to look after her child. There is no indication anywhere in your writing that suggessts this at all and so those ranting on here about calling child-protection, have got nothing to base their wild accussations on!

You are the one that took on the child - she didn't just abandon her child when you agreed to look after her. I think that this girl has had a hard time too and because you have taken so much power and decision away from her as you have given it to her and this is like being like a tennis ball going to and from each bat.

You are genuinely good people and I do sympathise with you. I am not saying you are the bad guys at all, but that this has all gone wrong because you put dowm rules that you inadvertantly broken without realizing so. Get these rules back to the way you want and expect them to be but don't, blur them by then being over generous with your kindness - this is how I learned!

Hope you follow my advice and am pretty sure things will change for the better once you are prepared to admit where it is you have gone wrong.

Answer 2

Have a long talk with her and enforce the rules. You are being completely taken advantage of. I think you have done more than your share, does she have any family? Perhaps she should start looking for other options. If she is a good mother, and you don't have to worry about the little girl, I would send her on her way, this situation will only get worse. If she is not a good mother, there are things you can do to protect this child. You have been the best friend to this woman, she has not upheld her end of the bargain.

Answer 3

If you're looking for the best thing in the little girl, you should know that her mother is a dud! Once their out from under your wing, they'll be on their own, & from what you say I doubt that little girl will be living the life she deserves! You need to get some help(police 4 the car!) ~Help the little girl!~GoD bLeSs!

Answer 4

Sounds like she's a low income single mom!!
Tell her to go get welfare/community help...they will help get her set up in an apartment, etc...She may not like getting help, but it may encourage her to get a better job.
There are alot of apartments based on income which should help her also!!
Tell her she will have 30 days to find a place...She is getting dependent on you and you need to break it!!!
To stay friends...offer to help with babysitting!
I'm sure the little girl is really attatched to you so this will help her with the transition!!

Answer 5

Ultimatum straighten up or leave or you can find them through the department of human resources a place to live short term there she cant smoke,and perhaps will quit,and as well gain some humility to the extent you can have her back.

Answer 6

This has to do together with your limitations. If you're making plans to proportion the leisure of your lifestyles with this guy, you without doubt have got to identify your limitations and what you count on within the courting. Trust me while I say that there is not any romance while a lady turns into a mom to a whole grown guy. Often, we evidently step into this function with out noticing that we have got all of the sudden stopped enabling romance to be the primary detail of our courting. Yet with out romance with out the male-feminine provide and take, with out the partnership of nuturing every different and respecting every others limitations, you're giving for free your rights to be adored and loved. Time to re-suppose in which you're at, and what you wish. Figure this out in your possess, possibly keep at a peers or magically "win" a women spa day {wink-wink} in an effort to be on your own and fairly reconnect with what's major to you. Then name a assembly by myself with him and lay out what you wish to have. Let him be a person and deal with preserving you loved and revered. If he cannot then you realize it's time to transfer out or kick them sales space out. Tough love.

Answer 7

She is taking advantage. You´re not helping her, you´re helping her to become more and more selfish and unthoughtfull.
I would maake up a good excuse and ask her to move out, but offer to continue to help with the kid (if you want to).

Answer 8

Living alone is the best way to avoid problems with room mates!

Answer 9

colt 45

Answer 10

call the child protection agency and tell them she's unfit to care for her daughter and then take her to small claims court where you can get back whatever she owes you.