Should I tell my ABUSIVE ex-husband that I am getting married and moving to another state with our children?

Question

My ex and I are divorced. After the divorce it took a year for the man God had for me to find me. He lives 12 hours away from here. Now we want to get married next summer and I am going to relocate there. My ex has made several threats saying "You better not put no man over my kids!" He is always questioning my kids as to whether I bring anyone over to the house. My kids, knowing his temper, always tell him no. I talked with an attorney who told me that I have every right to move because I have full custody of both kids. However, I must let him know where we move to. My question is, do I tell him before the wedding or wait until after the wedding and give him his new visitation rights? I am not trying to keep him away from his children . I want to tell him in all fairness, but I'm afraid that he may try to hurt me or worse. I have a restraining order against him but I feel that a piece of paper will mean nothing if he knows I'm leaving and taking the kids.

Answer 1

Does your divorce decree say anything about you being able to leave the state with the children? Some divorce decrees forbid it. If you are allowed to leave the state, I would wait until after the marriage and I would definitely speak to the law enforcement agency where youare moving to and tell them of your ex's threats and that he will know where you are living and make sure you get a restraining order in your new state immediately. Does he have legal visitation with the children? Has he kept up with his schedule with them and saw them on a regular basis? If he does not have any legal visitation, I would be leary about even telling him where you are moving. If he does have visitation rights and keeps his scheduled visits regularly...then you have to tell him, but I would see if I could go to cvourt in the new state and ask for visits where you can drop the children off at perhaps the sheriff or police dept. and pick them up there after the visit. When you pick them up, make sure the police or whoever keeps him there for at least 5-10 minutes until you are out of the vicinity so that he cannot follow you to your home. Another place he could pick them up might be a church or social services. Tell the family courts that you fear for your safety and possibly the safety of the children if they are questioned as to your new whereabouts, and this is why you want his visits to start and end at a safe location.

Answer 2

Tell your ex nothing until everything has transpired. In your new hometown, check with a local attorney about what you can do to obtain a restraining order there. If possible, let your kids know as little as possible. Having to lie to a parent is a very difficult on children and puts more worries and stress on them. When you have moved, married, and got that restraining order then have your attorney send him a letter stating your change of address and explain how his visitation rights have changed. You might also want to throw in a copy of the restraining order. Spell everything out-leave no stone unturned. If all else fails, move to Texas and obtain a concealed handgun license. My mother had to go through the same experience (hence the statement about the kids....experience!). Once we moved, things in our life were for the better. Best of luck to you and your family on new beginnings!

Answer 3

Unfortuantely, you have to follow the law on this one. Not knowing what state you live in, I can't give you detailed advice. However, I do know having full custody of the kids does not mean you can just up and move. You need to go to the courts in your locale, and inquire with the court facilitator about your legal rights to move the kids. If your move was within your state, that would be different. Check with the courts before doing anything. Now, if you're able to just up and move and you do not have to get his permission, there may still be a certain amount of time you have to give him. In my state, you must notify the visiting parent of your intent to move at least 30 days before the intended move. Notification can be through certified mail. But also in my state, if you're moving outside of state lines, you have to get a judge's permission granting the relocation. Good luck.

Answer 4

Most states require that you get written permission from your ex to move your kids into another state before doing so. Failure to do so could cause a whole bunch of legal problems down the road. I suspect a judge would give you permission to do so citing his behavior pattern, but he could challenge you legally if he wants to. Then you will have to modify his visitation rights to accomadate the distance. Your atty was right in the fact that you do have the right to move because you have physical custody but you must have his permission agreeing to such a move showing that he understands this fully. You dont want the FBI at your front door one day because of an oversight. Better to be safe than sorry. Congrats on your new life and marriage and the best of luck to all of you

Answer 5

Do your papers require that you tell him specifically what your address is? If not, then I would say marry and move and set up for his visitation drop offs and pick ups to be at a public location in your new city. Also, alert the local authorities at your new city of the problems with him previously and about the restraining order. Provide information as to his vehicle description and physical characteristics.
Just add some layers of security for your own protection.
Congratulations and good luck.

Answer 6

Do you really HAVE to tell him? If you do, make sure you keep that restraining order on him... And two, I suggest an ADT home alarm system in your new house... I know that sounds scary, but you need to do whatever it takes to help you feel safe.
I'm not sure if it'd even matter so much, wether you told him before or after the wedding. He'll be angry either way, and you'll have to go to extra lengths to protect yourself and the children. In a way I would suggest waiting until after the wedding when you're closer to moving away. Before he can try to do anything...

Answer 7

I agree with Waiting for Baby--send him a letter on your way out of town. Get a Post Office box in the new town for him to communicate, find an attorney in the new town, renew the restraining order and contact the police.

This guy could go ballistic and you need to protect yourself and the kids. Get some mace/pepper spray and carry at all times.

Good luck and best wishes for your marriage.

Answer 8

If you have full cusody of the children, then don't tell him until after you are married and moved.If you fear him, then don't give him anything to go off on.Just do everything through your lawyer.If I were you I'd use a p.o.box for any kind of mail from him.When you are married you might need to up-date your restrainng order, too.Make sure that when he get's the long distance visitation, that he returns the children on time--12 hours is quiet a distance to travel.Just be safe and keep the children safe.

Answer 9

If it was me, I would wait until very close to my wedding day so he can't make your life hell 'til then. I would have all my ducks in a row, too, any legal paperwork about the kids, etc. I wouldn't just up and leave, and get married taking the kids with you because it would be a very ugly scene when he does find you. Do you really want to take all that ugly hate into your new marriage?

Answer 10

I believe in love and rarely encourage women to leave unless I think there's serious physical abuse going on. I think all relationships are flawed, there's 2 sides to every story & in terms of staying or leaving I think that has to be the decision of the people in the relationship & would hate to think I interfered. I respect a woman's right to decide for herself & am friends regardless of the decisions she makes. It may sound a bit egotistical but I think not interferring in their relationships or lives in general is one of my strong points. Now in terms of your situation, yes it sounds like you have a meddling friend but it also sounds like there's another motive for the problem which has given the friend more power than she should have, namely, an alcohol problem. I think that & not this other woman is the real culprit in this instance. I suspect your ex ended things because she has a serious alcohol problem & you don't. Her friend is enabling this & you aren't. Boy is that a tough situation. Substance abuse problems can & will destroy relationships & wreck lives. If you can't get your ex to see the real source of the problem I don't know what you can do?