Disability Poem I wrote do you like it?

Question

With You Part I

I'm sitting here in this chair,
you take from me,
and have no soul,
I'm getting weak,
fading away...,
when I feel like crying,
I smile today,
I wait with courage,
hope and fear,
I'm wonderin' why,
you're still here,
For each time I cry,
You take more,
I want to stop it,
you don't care,
Not long ago you got a name,
The doctors told me,
you're my disability,
For you I live,
happy but pained,
I'm sick of you,
You should be ashamed.

Without You Part II

Without You I'd be free,
I'd go on with life alone,
Why you still here with me?
I push you away run and scream,
Why you still followin' me?
If I throw a bone,
Will you leave?
You make things hard,
hard to breathe,
Fighting you I am still,
If only there was a magic pill,
Fightin' hard living strong,
Wake me up inside,
Make me feel alive,
How would it be,
without you?

With You Part I

I'm sitting here in this chair,
you take from me,
and have no soul,
I'm getting weak,
fading away...,
when I feel like crying,
I smile today,
I wait with courage,
hope and fear,
I'm wonderin' why,
you're still here,
For each time I cry,
You take more,
I want to stop it,
you don't care,
Not long ago you got a name,
The doctors told me,
you're my disability,
For you I live,
happy but pained,
I'm sick of you,
You should be ashamed.

Without You Part II

Without You I'd be free,
I'd go on with life alone,
You'd have no home
I push you away run and scream,
But you don't even look at me
I wanna cry,I've got many doubts,
For you I dream to live without,
Find someone else to own.

I revised this let me know if this is better. I wrote this because I'm in a wheelchair with Muscular Dystrophy,I am 13 years old.

Answer 1

I liked the first one, good form and good "filling"
the second isn't good enough

Answer 2

Not particulary. There is nothing original here and no good metaphors. Too many old expressions like Throw a bone, magic pill, fighting hard, living strong. You're my disability is good but you need to develop the poem from there.

Answer 3

G'day anomyous,

Thank you for posting the poems.

The first one is good and the second one has the makings of a good poem but needs more work.

Best wishes for your writing campaign. I have two nephews with Duchenne muscular dystrophy so you have my best wishes in your struggle.

Regards

Answer 4

cool