What do you do if your spouse can't forgive you?

Question

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. We separated a year ago and during that time I was in a relationship with another man. I broke off the relationship and my husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor. We are back together now, but he holds the "affair" over my head and uses it to get his way in arguments and to justify any bad behavior he does. He says he can't live without me and loves me more than anything, but he can't (won't) forgive me. I understand that infidelity takes a long time to get over. (I have dealt with the same from him) I just don't see much of a future if he can't forgive me. Should I seek divorce? He is using the past as an excuse to look at internet porn and join in cyber sex groups. I fear that this will eventually lead to him having an affair. He is destroying what little we have left and I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

It sounds to me like he wants to cheat and found a convenient excuse for doing it....your affair. I hate to tell u this but it doesn't look like u two have much of a future together because it sounds as though u can't trust each other.

Answer 2

It sounds to me as if he's acting a bit childish, unfortunately. There isn't one single person on this earth whom is "perfect" & never does anything wrong. If he has chosen to not forgive you & yet carry out such behavior then perhaps you should move on. Though you said you were going to counseling, is he not going too? The both of you have some issues that need to be dealt with before your relationship can move forward, or in any direction for that matter. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "2 wrongs don't make a right". Maybe you shouldn't have had an affair while seperated, but you did. You're human. What I think is more important is WHY you seperated in the first place. Communication is important in every relationship & the issues in your marriage need to be talked about & resolved. Get him to go to counseling with you. If he flat out says he doesn't need counseling that you're the one with the problem, then file for divorce & be done with it. You can't live with someone whom won't forgive you & acts as if they're perfect & never make any mistakes.

Answer 3

Well, He needs to understand that you weren't married at the time that you had a relationship with the other man - You need to sit him down and discuss the reasons why you found someone else and that Him not trusting you and using what you did As a way to justify his own infidelities is wrong. You need to tell him that in order for the marriage to work he needs to find individual counseling to work on why he has developed trust issues and why he feels the need to subject you to punishment (emotionally, mentally etc.) If he is unwilling to undergo some type of Individual counseling in addition to couple counseling, is showing now effort to make the marriage work, still participating in emotional infidelity (cybersex, Internet dating etc.) I suggest you get a divorce. It's funny how we want to be forgiven but have problems forgiving people. You should bring that to his attention - In order to find forgiveness you must give it. You never know what can happen - life is too short to dwell on the past - you will never get back time that you've lost. If he goes and has an affair with another woman ( In my mind he's already cheating on you ) don't let him blame you. What you did wasn't wrong, you were separated! Don't let him bring you down, don't let him use you as his scapegoat, one day he's gonna need forgiveness for something he's done wrong. As for you not knowing what to do - You'll wake up one day and hunny - You'll know what to do!

Answer 4

Not only does it sound like he wont forgive you, he wont forget it either. It looks like hes playing a little kids game holding you hostage for something that now cannot neither be undone or changed. If he loves you the way he says he does then he should be at least able to forget and move on. Your future depends on just how much you can take of this crap. Hes not going to change anything by keep using it against you whenever he wants, but you dont need to hang on either, waiting to see if he ever drops this. I feel that youre already at the point of where enough is enough and want to move on putting your affair as well as your husband way behind you. Good luck

Answer 5

the little u do have in this marriage your both are on the breaking point. he destroying but what he doe's on the internet you had affair.i think u both need a stronger marriage condselor something with God in the middle.Or soon or later your marriage will not work. Its been damage. And if you both stay one of you will be truly unhappy. To the point where your going to be very stress out . Your already spent 10 yrs. in this marriage don't waste another 10. The thing is find another marriage conselor but this time have God in the center. Theres always hope. Only God can save it now.

Answer 6

first of all two wrongs don't make a right and the fact that you two are going to counseling is a plus, but he should not be holding this issue over your head ,that's not the part of forgiveness that counseling is suppose to help, maybe you should bring this matter up with your counselor and see if some resolution can be made. Good Luck

Answer 7

You need to talk to him about this.Choose an unfamiliar environment where you two can be relaxed .Then,tell him what you want .(You need to be certain in your mind what you want).Ask him what he wants .If you both decide that you want to stay married ( seems like there is a lot of love in the marriage,you gave up the affair and he still loves you !) then tell each other what is it that makes you feel insecure .The first thing both of you need to do is to stop reminding each other of your past affairs. If that does not stop then , it seems like there is no hope for your marriage.
Look into your self and think why you do not want him visiting adult sites?Is it because you feel left out?If so tell him. If its something else then tell him. If its a moral issue then too you both need to discuss it.

Answer 8

It seems that your spouse not only holds a grudge, but also is angry. You said you have been seeing a marriage counselor. This should help, and if not i suggest you find someone who can help. Yes, he is destroying the little you have left. If he loves you as he says, then he should start to focus on repairing your marriage and preserving what is there before it is to late.

Answer 9

This doesn't seem to be about your husband's concern over your affair, but rather a handy excuse for his own sexual predilictions. You both need to set some specific boundaries for your marriage (you can do this in counseling) and then hold each other to them. If he's unwilling, then you probably should think about a divorce.

Answer 10

an affair is a lame excuse for him to look at porn and join cyber sex groups. Sounds like he has deeper issues.