I've got a friend that is depressed and I've slowly stopped communicating with her...?

Question

She's a great person and I know she'd be there for me no matter what happened, but I wrote her an e mail today and let her know that her depression is bringing me down and that's the reason I don't want to spend time with her anymore. I felt bad for doing it, but I tend to be brutally honest about things. She has many reasons to be depressed, and is on medication, but she's a zombie sometimes when it comes to meds.
She wrote back and said that she understood, was a bit shocked, and has taken the initiative to completely end our friendship. (No more e mails, no phone calls, NO CONTACT AT ALL!) Knowing her, I know she has the best intentions; she doesn't want to bring me down anymore, but it still troubles me that she's done this.
How could this have been handled better? Is a friendship worth saving when a friend only ever brings you down?

Answer 1

I think its called self-preservation. You obviously care about this person simply because her moods are affecting how you feel, so you are obviously taking on her moods. If you had a way of not feeling so bad, like taking a step back and not be so involved then maybe you would be able to handle this situation better.

I think you are beating yourself up over this one, of course you shouldnt have to be around someone who makes you feel depressed. You have a life and you need to live it. I think people have to look at their own happiness and decide if hanging around with someone is preventing their own life from moving forward and if your friends moods are preventing that, then you have to think about yourself. Remember you are the one who has to live with yourself on a daily basis.

You cant help your friend. Maybe what you did may wake her up a bit, make her understand that she is the only one who can lift her moods and if she doesnt do something soon then she will have no friends left. It probably could have been handled better, how?, I dont know because I am not in your situation.

I think what I would do, I would send her an email, and say, you really care about her, but like you have already said, you cannot keep in contact with her as much because she is bringing you down. Maybe you could then say..."but, that doesnt mean I wont be here for you if you decide to do something positive about your problem". She needs to know she has the personal power to change her life and maybe you could remind her that she is the Master of her own Destiny. Sometimes pussyfooting around someone and feeling sorry for them will keep them in their depression.

Like I said, you have a life, and if your friend chooses to stay out of life, then thats her choice....It is your choice to want something better for yourself. But that doesnt mean you dont care. It means you think she has the capabilities to help herself, and she does, you have just told her that really. You are treating her like a "normal" person. I would hate to be around someone who is depressed all the time. I think it is only human nature to want to be happy. She doesnt, but that doesnt mean you should be unhappy with her. Live your life, be happy, and I am sure when she decides to be pro-active with her depression, you will be the first person she will contact. You have shown her about honesty, so if she wants some honest answers and good support then she is going to know where to get it. You have done everything you can....the rest is up to her.

I also have to say, after reading a lot of responses, you will not make your friend do anything she hasnt already thought of. If she harms herself then that is her choice....no-one can blame anyone else for the choices they make and to even suggest such a thing is ludicrous and piles this stupid guilt on your shoulders. I used to work with street kids and with all my professional qualifications, my empathy, my love, my "good advice", I had to look on helplessly while they found my client dead from an overdose. Did I blame myself? No Way....I felt sad, sure, but I didnt put those pills in the persons mouth....that was their doing. Why is it that people will allow us choices and encourage us, but only when they are good choices and agree with their point of view. If choices are really a persons choice then bad choices as well as good ones have to be placed where they belong....with the person who makes those choices. Dont listen to these silly people, they are probably people who believe that others are responsible for the way they are feeling, and probably they are right...others actions do make us feel bad, but what we do is totally our choice....another person doesnt make us do anything.

Answer 2

Well, first things first. You were never a true friend to her. Because friends stick together through thick and thin. depression, happiniess. A friend is the person that you would want to be with if you were ever in time of need or in time of joy and wanted to share it. I completely understand her reaction. She reacted to you e-mail. You sent an e-mail thats the most insensitive way to do anything. There is no emotion nothing. honestly its a weak way to confront any problem. Are you scared she is going to make you depressed. It isn't contagious so don't worry. I hope your so called friend has a real friend that she can lean on in her time of need. Real friends come once in a blue moon. They say every person generally only has 1 genuine friend all their life. So what does that say about People? Well i guess that we can all be insensitive and selfish.

Answer 3

You could have been more tactful. You could have managed the relationship whereby you limit the time you spend in communicating with her.
You have the right to protect your sanity. Yes, you could end up as depressed as she. She transferring all her negatives unto you. You were feeling burdened hence your disconnection.
You are feeling guilty - you are not a friend to her and you know she needs you. You stated that she would be there for you no matter what. What happened to you being there for her. Just manage the contacts. Good friends and family support are invaluable during a depressive state. Do what you are comfortable with.

Answer 4

If she is on medication she may eventually get better. I would suggest don't lose her out of your sight. Tell her you need your space for while. But once you already kicked her out of your life it will be incredibly difficult to explain why you don't want to breakup permanently.

If she gets better and starts being "herself" - you will regret you lost her. I have a friend who had a clinical depression after the divorce, and after being on the med. for awhile she got much better. She understands life goes on no matter what .

If not too late yet, I'd send e-mail to her again saying you don't want to lose her ... but rather you need a little space for yourself temporarily.

Good luck! I know it's hard.

Answer 5

Sometimes tough love is what people feeling that low need. A jolt. A shock to bring them out of that funk. An epiphany, if you will. You have to make you happy because no one else will. I agree, you should make sure she knows you're there when she's ready. But until then, she's gotta do her thing to make herself happy.
It sucks, but what can you do. You can only help those who want to be helped.
I'm just saying...

Answer 6

So basically you're only her friend when she's there for you, but now that she needs you, you're bailing out because she doesn't fit into your lifestyle.
You know the saying, with friends like this who needs enemies, well my dear it applies to you.
Friends are friends no matter what, yes she is depressed, but she will get through it, talking to you is the only way she has to talk about it and get passed it. I have 2 friends like that, I have never met neither of them, because I have met them on line. We email each other about twice a week, and if they don't then I do it, because I'm worried about them.
You will learn as you get older that what goes around comes around. Better be careful of the kind of friend you are because that's the kind of friends you will get.
Good luck

Answer 7

I have seen these cases many times before. now this friend of yours is bringing you down you say? If she is depressed she might be more depressed becouse you left her. She might do something she shouldn't do. Try to be her friend again, but ask her if she try to be more cheerfull, help you friend in any way you can. Or find someone who really understands her and can be her friend and help her through the bad times of depression!

Answer 8

what is wrong with you. if you a re truly a good person and a frends you would be there for her. you are being a fair weather friend. a good friend could held her recover from depression try to cheer her up and be not such a wimp if hshe is bringing you down bring her bac up you csant do this to her it could lead to her doing very bad thignns

Answer 9

A friend is a friend and if u are her best friend then you should be there no matter what......be careful that she doesnt committ suicide and that she gets the proper help that she needs....u could also call ur local dr's and see what else can be done...get her to do things with u and get her outta that rut.....Good luck

Answer 10

If you were her true friend than you would stand buy her side and try to do everything to make her happy! People just need some one to talk to sometimes.