A friend of mine has developed an intense crush on someone who is completely off-limits, and I mean completely. The friend has no idea why this crush started and never wanted it, but from the moment she first saw this person it was like her world changed (sounds hokey, but it's true). She is an otherwise normal person who is married (not happily) with kids.
She sees this person throughout the day and there is no way to avoid the person without exposing the crush. The crush has lasted for more than 2 months and feels like its getting stronger instead of fading. How can she stop these feelings before the crush lands her in a whole wide world of trouble? If the answer is stop thinking of the person, how? "Out there" thought: this friend is starting to believe there must be some sort of metaphysical connection that would explain this unexplainable attraction. This is serious, so please give serious answers. They will be well received and appreciated. Thank you.
2006-11-07 08:27:38 · 11 answers · asked by Wondering 4 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
The friend does desperately need some affection and "action" (as one person suggested). She hasn't had any in about 3 years and she's not old or ugly.
2006-11-07 08:43:17 · update #1
She is completely idealising this other person. There are two reasons for this. One is easy: it's an attractive person, that's new, and a forbidden fruit, and she meets him every day. Two is harder: she isn't happy in her current relationship, she doesn't get any 'action', so she has a lot of needs. A part of her wants out of that relationship, and that part feeds the idealising of the forbidden other. Another part of her doesn't want out, and that part is giving her trouble, because it is either her rationality (I've made a committment in marrying him), her conscience (I would make my husband unhappy), or her common sense (I am in a stable relationship that's going to a rough time, but there are opportunities to deal with that).
Idealising someone doesn't help the situation at all. She needs to rationalize him, and see that her feelings are an escapism. She doesn't want him, she just wants a reason to get out of her marriage. A metaphysical connection is just a pretty word for a crush that symbolizes everything that's not her husband.
Two choices spring to mind: 1) leave her husband, and DON'T pursue the other until the break up has solidified and she has accepted her new situation. 2) try to improve the marriage, let her talk to her husband, take a marriage councellor, communicate that she isn't happy, but would like to change that, together with her husband. Work on it, there must be a happy past, try to refind that.
In the meantime, take as much distance as you can from the other one. This need not be physically (although that would help a lot), but can also be done socially (don't talk to him that often, avoid getting lunch together, avoid social occasions as much as you can where he can be, adapt a cooler way of aproaching him, and so on). Good luck!
2006-11-07 08:59:40 · answer #1 · answered by Jaco K 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Metaphysical shmetaphysical....
Ask your friend what the relationship would be like in reality. If this crush really is so off-limits, then the realization should slowly end the crush. However it might make the crush stronger because of the whole "I want something that I can't have" phenomenon. You mention that she is not happily married, maybe some action would cure her of this unexplainable attraction, maybe with her husband, maybe not...
2006-11-07 08:32:46 · answer #2 · answered by ScotOS 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know how to say this but,,,go for the happy.You can't spend you'r life wishing you would have done something a long time ago that would have made you so happy.I'm having the same problem.I have three kids and a boyfriend that doesn't help out with nothing.And then thier is this guy I know and I know he likes me and I think he knows I like him so it's wierd when we see eachother almost everyday but it's like I want to see him but I know I shouldn't.I don't mean tot ell you my story but don't be misserable just because you think you'll brake someones heart.His heart will heal and you'rs will be fullfilled.
2006-11-07 08:34:18 · answer #3 · answered by oregoncheeto 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe the first step is to analyze the situation. Like ask yourself, is this just a crush or can it evolve into something serious? And is your husband aware? Do u want this situation to effect your husband because eventually it might. I think you ought to think about what is right and wrong in the situation. Then you can go about handling it.
2006-11-07 08:32:00 · answer #4 · answered by bball_always44 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I totally get it, I have a crush on someone right now who is off limits. You have to tell her not to pursue it. The reason it is so strong is we always want what we can't have. If she does it will all come back to haunt her.
2006-11-07 08:31:01 · answer #5 · answered by Venus 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that instead of seeking a better relationship she should look to improve her own. Insist that she and her husband and family go see a counsler and deal with their problems. That is the only way its going to get better.
2006-11-07 08:36:49 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well its hard but the best thing to do is take yourself on a holiday away from her or try not contacing her for a while..other than that you should tell her its not on and that you have found someone else or explain how it will affect ger kids if she does that and taht they will feel the pain more than your husband since he will be absolutly furious
2006-11-07 08:31:41 · answer #7 · answered by daz 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the person is truly off limits due to marriage, age, vocation etc. I think it will just have to run its course. Can she limit the amount of exposure time to this person? Can you introduce her to other people?
2006-11-07 08:32:48 · answer #8 · answered by Jabberwock 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You only live once baby...why not? (seriously) if you think about it--love isn't anyone's fault ..she shouldn't feel guilty about it if thats what it is..what if you died today sieced to exist and there was no heaven or hell.. and you'd regret not living your life to the fullest...this is a serious response so think about it and let me know what you think (drop me an e-mail)
2006-11-07 08:35:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
has she tried to stop thinking about it and put her husband in the crushes place that might help or maybe she just wants more attention
2006-11-07 09:38:07 · answer #10 · answered by sandi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋