I'm leaving my controlling, alcoholic husband, who has in the past, called me names, left me stranded w/no money, cell phone, id, on the side of the road, and now i have found out that he's still talking to his ex-girlfriend, when he knows how much it bothers me..so why is it that it's hard to leave? He always twists it around on me. He says that i'm making a mistake. I don't think I am. I don't trust him. so, why do I feel guilty? We've tried everything. Counseling was going ok, but I just can't do this anymore. He drinks every day, doesn't want to talk to me for an hour, but, he can w/ the ex. I just don't get it.
2006-11-07 07:43:31 · 42 answers · asked by hellomyfriend 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he's also being extremely nice to me....now! But I know he'll continue to treat me horribly.
2006-11-07 07:47:46 · update #1
Thank you everyone!!! You've given me confidence that I AM doing the right thing.
2006-11-07 08:39:10 · update #2
First, I am going to say just try and stay strong! Believe that it might hurt right now and be hard right now, but in the long run, you will look back on it and realize how much better off you are without him!! I was in a bad marriage, but not nearly THAT bad- and it was difficult at first when it was over, but right now, i am so much better off being out of that relationship. Be strong and if you need someone to talk to make sure you have close friends and family nearby that are willing to listen without giving you their comments and opinions. You will probably miss him for a while, but keep your eyes open and realize that no matter how much you miss him, you dont deserve that kind of treatment or an alcoholic husband. Good luck!
-EA
2006-11-07 07:47:49 · answer #1 · answered by Earthy Angel 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hello, You know what your problem is?....HIM....you could be doing everything right -and still your marriage would fail because it takes two people working & doing the best they can to make their love for each other the most important thing in the world. And the way he's treated you is not love or honor or cherish....he has broken the marriage vows in a big way. Don't let him tell you what to think anymore...it is time for you to make an important decision...one only you can make because you're the one who has to live with it. Love is the glue that holds a relationship together & I don't see any love on his part. So I think you know what to do...It's scary starting over...like going down a road when you can't see around the curve ...but you have to...you deserve to be happy...& he'll get what he deserves too. You have to be srong ...a lot of women have had to do this very same thing. Your husband is suppose to be your strength to lean on in hard times - yet he is creating your hard times...There is a man out there somewhere who will love you & cherish you & make you happy- you just have to find him...I really hate this for you, but happiness will come back to you again....wishing you the best ..ok?...bye bye
2006-11-07 08:05:52 · answer #2 · answered by Danica Fan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are doing the right thing by leaving. They always have a way of making you feel guilty about it. You already said you don't trust him so how could you live like that? He is very controlling and you have to realize he will never change! Anyone who would leave someone on the side of the road, stranded, needs to be behind bars! Please don't let him make you feel guilty and don't waste another minute of your time with this man. Life is so short and you deserve to be happy but only you can make that happen. If he doesn't leave you alone, get a restraining order on him, just do what you can to get out of this situation and let his ex have him back. I think you are better than that but I know it won't be easy but trust me, it gets better with time.
2006-11-07 07:52:12 · answer #3 · answered by Mustang Sally 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's hard because your self-esteem is low from taking so much abuse from him. Also because you really wanted it to work, or you would not have gone to counseling. You are thinking that you should have been able to fix everything, but you cannot fix another human being. He has to be responsible for the things he does, and he clearly isn't. He tries to blame you.
I understand that, because my husband (whom I will be leaving soon) is the same way. He's not an alcoholic, but he is a control freak, and my role in our marriage is to be the whipping girl. Everything that is wrong in his life is my fault. The best thing I ever did is to decide to go. I will be gone by the end of the year. We are selling our house, and once we have the closing, I am gone! Good luck, and remember that this is NOT your fault, and that you deserve love and happiness. God bless!
2006-11-07 08:46:14 · answer #4 · answered by homebuyer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if he was your first husband, I can understand. He was your first true love and you really thought the marriage would work out and made lots of strong ties. Its hard to break those ties now that you are leaving him and you are probably very dissapointed and saddened that the marriage didn't work out. Although he sounds like not such a great guy, you used to love him more than anything, right? I'm sorry it didn't work out...:-( but I totally understand how you feel. Keep on doing counseling - it helped my aunt get through a tough divorce. In the end, you know its definitely the best for both of you and you should have no regrets.
2006-11-07 07:47:42 · answer #5 · answered by skigrrl66 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to go with the gut on if you should leave him or not, but the reason it may feel hard is you might feel worried about how you will make it without the support of a spouse, you may also feel bad about leaving him because you don't want to hurt him. I have a sister in law in this same position, and she said she can't take his drinking anymore, his name calling is horrible, this I have witnessed, and she said the only reason she has not left is, she doesn't want to cause him a heap of pain and she doesn't want to get out on her own and struggle. But she weighed staying or leaving and she said she would rather leave, be broke and be happy, then sad and depressed looking for love in all the wrong places.
I really hope things work out for you, just like my sister in law, you both say you have had enough and can't do it anymore. Good luck with your decisions.
2006-11-07 07:49:07 · answer #6 · answered by Michelle Lynn 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leaving someone is hard. You have had many hopes and dreams, maybe of being able to change him to be the person you wanted, maybe he changed after being married awhile, only you know. Leaving means leaving behind all the hopes and dreams of having a good, faithful, respectful relationship behind. Not only that, but you feel guilty because he has told you it's your fault for so long that you believe it. It is NOT your fault that he is acting like an insensitive, disrespectful jerk. This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way too. It is a hard lesson to learn, but once you learn it, you never forget it.
He is never going to change. I am sure you see that now. Why stay in a relationship where you are totally disrespected, unloved, abused, etc? The only reason I did with my ex was fear of being alone and fear of not being able to make it on my own. I found out that I am never alone as long as I have friends and I could make it on my own. You can too!
After I left my ex (I had left him emotionally and mentally before I did it physically), I met someone else. We are now very happy, living together, and will be getting married next year. He is the total opposite of my ex. My fiance is respectful of me and my feelings, supports me in every way possible, takes care of me when I need it but lets me be my own person too, doesn't yell and scream or control me or others, is a good dad to his 3 teen girls, and much more. So, you see, there are still good guys out there. You just have to learn to have self-esteem and self-worth to find them. Until then, get on your own, find yourself again, have some fun, stay by yourself for awhile, then you can go and find someone special to be with, if you choose to. I would suggest you find a group or class on self-esteem, abuse, and others to help you. I also know of an excellent book that really helped me. It is called Stand Up, Speak Out, Talk Back. It helps with self-esteem and boundaries for you and others.
Good luck.
2006-11-07 07:52:39 · answer #7 · answered by honey 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband is so mean to me, and trust me I just like you deserve so much better then what we got. But to answer the question, "Why is it so hard?"
No matter what through all the bad, and the hate you probably have for him. There is still love! I love my husband with all of my heart. He is a good father, and that is about it. But he is all that I have known, all that I want to know, and same for our kids.
LOVE..... The knowing how it used to be, and how you wish it could be like that still. Or knowing it was like that so you hold on waiting for it to be that way again.
My husband is my heart, and soul! Without him I would die! He is not worth my time, energy, tears etc. But I want him to be the man he was when we first were.
I know how you feel completely! In time though it will all become easier. Just cut it and cut it quick and clean. Change everything about you, your hair, your clothes, your car, how you act. Who you are friends with, what you do with your spare time. All of that trust me will help!
I am sorry I cannot be of more assistance to you. The best of luck!
2006-11-07 07:56:12 · answer #8 · answered by Whisper J 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love, and memories. There is obviously a part of this relationship that was good and nurturing, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. He is no longer the man you married, but you still know that somewhere in there is that man that once treated you in a way you deserve, and I think you're holding on because you think that someday he is going to come back. And maybe he will, but does it really make sense to wait around wasting your life being unhappy on the chance that he might decide to turn around and change his life?
You only get one life to live, so you might as well make the best of what you've got left.
2006-11-07 07:50:34 · answer #9 · answered by antheia 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It just IS hard, even under bad circumstances. We women feel guilty because we are raised to be nice, don't hurt anyone's feelings, and take care of people. So we feel we aren't doing that when we divorce. Also, you've put a certain amount of work into making the marriage work & so you feel like you've got this investment you want to protect. Then there's the feeling that you're a failure because you didn't "make it work." Which is ridiculous, it takes two. But these are some of the reasons it's hard. WALK AWAY! No one deserves his crap.
2006-11-07 07:48:24 · answer #10 · answered by gouldgirl2002 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋