Seems we lost our daughter, what can I do?

Question

When our girl was 13 she got in trouble, did some bad stuff. A good girl, but then sidetracked and with unacceptable.attitudes towards us and her younger sister. We had to give her a really severe punishment for 4 months. She changed completely, but t got into a deep depression. Got very humiliated. She partially got over the depression but never forgot what happened. She turned into a wonderful girl that everybody praises. Now, at 15, an honor student, takes part in voluteering activities. She everything that makes parents proud, except that avoids us. After that punishment, she stopped loving us. She doesnt get in trouble and is respectful, but a stranger. We tried everything we could, including family therapy. Yesterday, at therapy, she told us and the therapist, very calmly and with no anger that she really doesn't like us, will never forget what happened and intends to leave us when she's 18. I could feel horrified that was not a teen thing. I got really down, lost my girl.

What really got me down is the girl didn't talk like a teen at all. She was calm, firm, showing no anger. Just said she really doesnt like us, can't consider us as parents. Said she doesnt hate us, but is decided to leave us when she's 18. God, she talked like an adult, a very resentful but mature adult She says that punishment made her feel abandoned, humiliated, tretad like a criminal. She was grounded from everything for 4 months. Only school and housework. We were relly harsh amd maybe we exaggerated, but at that time we felt we had to do it.

Answer 1

You are already seeing a therapist. You need to work through that in therapy. There really isn't anything that any of us can say that will change the situation. You've taken the right steps.

Answer 2

I don't know, it seems the lesson you taught her sunk in and now she doesn't know how to save face except to say that she's leaving as soon as she is able. I'm not sure how many girls do like their families at age 15. Therapy is good - keep going but if it's not helping perhaps you need a different one. She sounds very strong willed and while she appears the "perfect" child something else is obviously going on. Don't give up and good luck.

PS Please don't beat yourself up. There is no handbook for this parenting gig - it's a one time shot and you do what you think is right at the time. Don't question yourself or your punishment - it obviously woke her up and that's a good thing. She was on a self-destructive path and you DID turn that around.

Answer 3

i have a 16 yr old, i understand. does she have a boyfriend that you don't know about? perhaps if she does, he could be older. my daughter had met this one guy that was 19 ( i almost passed out!), i did notice a change in her behavior. she's an honor student as well, so of course i put a stop to that "relationship". do you know her friends? books she likes to read? does she stay on the computer alot? i know these questions may sound tedious, but it's a start and they need to be answered. i wish you all the luck. kids always come around, just be a little patient and make sure she knows that her parents love her more than anything else in the world.

Answer 4

Sorry to hear what your family has been through, and being the mother of a 15 year old son can tell you that I know your feelings, but I am sure that time will heal her heart and when she matures enough she'll understand why you did what you did, that it was for her own good. Try to keep reminding her about how much you love her, everyday, how proud of her you are. I am sure she loves you, is just that she is hurt, but the hurt will go away eventually and she will see more clearly. God Bless you and keep on giving strength to you and your family!!

Answer 5

Okay, I didn't think I had any advice to give you, but after reading the responses you got I feel like I should tell this:
Do not smother your lost daughter.
Seems there are a few people telling you to go do stuff with her, take her places, talk with her, all of that. Don't. I'm 16, and I feel I can speak for all teenagers when I say that it is the WORST when parents won't leave you alone. I don't know if you were considering these responses, but PLEASE don't crowd her, nobody will be happy.

Answer 6

The only thing you can do is make sure she knows that you will always be there for her and that she knows you love her no matter what. Time is the key. Don't push her into loving you, that will just make her push back.

Hopefully you and your daughter's reconcilliation and emotional reunion will be sooner, but your daughter will understand as soon as she has her own child to worry about....but that's not an argument you should point out....she'll figure that out on her own.

Don't buy her love with trips to the mall and stuff.

Answer 7

you did not loose her you just broke her spirit. you would have lost her if you had let her continue a bad path. you don't know what would have happened. im sorry to hear that she feels that way but most teens do. i did i got over it at 17 though im sure she will to. Just try to do more things with her take her to the movies take her shopping take her to the park and walk and talk. take her horse back riding maybe a mother daughter camping trip. Go get your hair down or nails done with her ( include your other daughter in all this. but be sure to invite the older one first. ) good luck.

Answer 8

I think 4 months was too long to punish her! When the punishment is too long, it loses its meaning! I think you should explain to your daughter that you were trying to do the best thing, and your intentions were good, and that's what counts anyway; the intention behind the action. Tell her how much you love her and care about her. If she's as mature as you say, I think she'll forgive you sooner or later. I think people who don't forgive are very immature...God can forgive the worst sins...so we should be able to forgive other humans.

Answer 9

Well you are already seeing a therapist,which is very good. Speaking from experience, my parents did the same thing to me and now i don't talk to them when i turned 18 i left my house too, but over the next few months we started to talk and things r getting better. If your daugther wants to talk to me my email address is [e-mail]. Maybbe talking to someone who has had the same thing happen to them will be better for her.

Answer 10

Oh well maybe if you would have never done that none of this would have ever happened. I guess its true nowadays its the parents fault why kids drop out, end up doing drugs, commit suicide and running away.