I am so upset, that I need help to find the words to confront him!?

Question

My husband and I have 4 sons together. Our oldest is a product from my husband and his ex. Our second oldest is from me and my ex. We then have 2 together. Regardless of this situation, we have been together since my oldest son was 5 mos. old, and my husband is the only father he has ever known. Although I am very upset, I do want to make clear, the role my husband has taken on, with "our" son. He is very wonderful with them all. Anyway, today, as I was having a heated discussion with my mother, she decides to throw in some info., about my husband that I was completely unaware of. Come to find out, My sons biological father has been writing letters all along, and my husband has been reading them, and then throwing them away without even telling me! My initial reaction was, "does he not trust me?'. Then it turned to "what could the letters have said to make him throw them out!" It then turned to "He told my mother!" All of this time, I thought that we had an honest relationship! Help!

Answer 1

OH MY, He has made a mess of things, hasn't he. Well, Lets say he was trying to protect his family, that he had you and you're sons best interest at heart. He still had no right, to keep this from you. You and the child have a right to hear what ever the father had to say. Is it a trust issue, maybe not. maybe he thought the letters were to hurtful, it's hard to say, not knowing what the letters said. But, he made a mistake, were only human. Maybe after the first letter was read, he just couldn't bring it to you because he was embarrassed that he opened to and read it, and then he was so afraid that you would find out what he did,he just kept the lie going. But honey, no matter what or how, it's done. Can you forgive, is the question i have for you??
The fact that he told you're mother, says he needed to get the truth out, and he just didn't know what to say to you either,
The words you are looking for, have to come from you're heart, no one hear will be able to give the words you really need. He sounds like a good man. Do you're best to have a forgiving heart. I wish you all the luck!!

Answer 2

There are multiple issues here layed together, and I don't blame you for being upset.

Who gave this guy the right to decide whether or not your son received letters from his biological father?

Why did he want to deny this boy a relationship with his father?

If he had been in the boy's shoes, would he have wanted to be denied these letters?

If he has been keeping this a secret, what other secrets has he kept that you haven't discovered?

Why would your mother keep this secret from you and her grandson?

I'm sitting getting mad right along with you. Who the heck does he think he is?

I think your trust in your marriage has definitely been destroyed by your husband. I think the trust between you and your mother has been destroyed too.

It makes me wonder what are all the things going on under the surface in your family home that have been under the disguise of perfect american family that need to be brought out into the open.

I think a family counselor and marriage counselor are probably going to be needed for this family to be saved.

Good luck to you and you have my prayers. I think this is too big to go away with an "I'm sorry" and I hope you all can work through this and come out still a family.

I also think it's wrong to deny this biological father access to his son. He must care or else he wouldn't have been writing numerous letters. If the tone of the letters were angry, who could blame him? I'd be mad as H*** if someone denied me access to my child.

Good luck.
Sincerely,
Robin_in_Tennessee

Answer 3

Well, it kind of sounds like you have a little high hopes going on that the letters contain some loving words.

BUT.................he has no right to doing what he has to your son. The letters were to you too? IF so, he didn't have the right to read them and throw them.

If your mom knows so much, get the ex's address from her and contact him without your husband knowing and ask what all the letters had said.

Your hubby (now) is showing a controlling patteren by tossing the letters.

Just sit him down and tell him you now know all about it. Let him know that you don't feel it was his place to do so. Reasure him that he has been and is a fantastic father, but that your son has the right to know his bio dad and communicate with him.

I hope he doesn't do this with his own son, keep him away from and seeing his mother.

Good Luck

Answer 4

Wow.

You have a right to be angry. This isn't a decision he should have made on his own. Then to tell your mom and not you????

My guess is like you stated he has raised your son as his own. That being said, I assuming your son has no other contact with his real father besides the letter attempts? He probably felt real insecure or maybe even read some lies in the letters being sent and decided to destroy them. However, either way this should have been a decision you both made not just him.

Sooooo let him have it.

Sucks your son will not know what was written in those letters from his dad.

Answer 5

WOW,
Life was good but now? Your husband has gotten in the way of a man and his son. You may not have been with the kids father but none of you had the right to get in the way of that relationship.
He needs to make amends somehow but I do not know how.
The one person who deserves the biggest apology is your son.
He is carrying around your ex's genetics and he has the right to know his father ( biological ). Put this on husband to clean up since he is making the decisions without consulting anyone.
This move was unconscionable. Hubby must be told that it is and let your him come up with the plan to fix the mess he caused. Let him explain what he is going to do for your son after getting in the way and hiding interference with a fundimental right to know his father. How he explains hiding this from you is yet another issue. Does he think you could not make your own decision regarding this correspondence? This is a serious lack of respect. Put this on him to clean up since he is the one making the choices without consulting anyone.

Answer 6

Whoa!!!!

Try to hear him out and if you want this discussion to be productive figure out why this upsets you (use cue cards to keep all the many reasons straight).

Your husband simply put could feel that your sons bio-fa doesn't have any right since your husband has been his dad all his life. Like some adopted parents do not want their kids to meet the birth parents. It is SELFISH and HORRIBLE but not a reason to throw out the relationship.

he probably didn;t tell you because he would have to admit the bio-fa into your son's life.

Good luck and perhaps a mediator if things cannot be discussed.

Answer 7

I would say first of all that he has no right to read much less throw away the letters that your son's father is sending to him. It has absolutley nothing to do with him - if he didn't like or trust what was in the letters he should have given them to you to decide what to do with them. There is a boundry between the biological father and the step father that should never be crossed. He needs to know where your boundries are with him.

Answer 8

He just may be insecure about your ex, but it gives him no right to read these letters and throw them out. Tell him that it's your decision whether to read these letters and throw them out .. not his. I would wonder what was in these letters if he was telling your mother and not you. Why didn't your mother tell you about these letters? Ask her what they said. Tell him how disappointed you are in him for doing this. You can tell him that you appreciate the fact that he may have done this to protect you from something, but he is still wrong for what he did and has caused you concern not to trust him as you did.

Answer 9

I don't blame you for being upset! Those were not his letters to deal with. What if you wanted to save them for your son to give to him when he's older? And he took it upon himself to read them, throw them away, and discuss it with your mother? Whatever was in those letters was none of his business, he should trust you to tell him about the letters coming to your home and to trust you to share with him if there was anything to be concerned about. How awful to have this come at you right out of left field!

I'm not sure how I would handle this if I were you. I'm afraid I would come unglued on him but then that's another obstacle to get over.

Depending on how you think your son's biological father would handle this, do you think you could contact him to let him know what happened to those letters? Who knows what information you should have known but never got?

Your husband not only disrespected you and your marriage, he disrespected your son. First by taking that mail, then by reading it, throwing it away, and discussing it with your mother. He's shattered the trust you had in him. It's like he feels closer to your mother since he discussed it with her and not you. (And shame on her for not coming to you when she first found out about the letter's getting read and tossed. Who's mother is she??)

I hope you can get through this all right. E-mail me if you want to vent and get it off your chest. Just click on my picture. I really do wish you the best of luck.

Answer 10

before you get angry.. listen to him. He may have only been trying to protect you from heartbreak. Give him a chance to tell you why he did that and then tell him why it hurt you. The years you have had together and the years yet to come should mean more to you then an ex who wasnt there. Remember that your husband was concerned for his integrated family's well being.