Why would an over jealous and controlling husband of 23 years decide we should try swinging?

Question

We have been married 23 years and he is a very over jealous and controlling husband. All at once he thinks we should try the swinging life style. In the 23 years we have been married we had never been out to a club or dancing. We didn't drink or party at all. I am 40 years old and this is the first time he has ever mentioned going out, much less dancing and drinking.Yes, I enjoy having a few drinks, loosening up and dancing. It is just plain fun. However he watches over me like a hawk and he is the one that always becomes flirtaious with other. He wants and tries very, very hard to have the night end with us drunk and ultimately have sex with others if he is attracted to the woman (single or married or even Bi if I would agree) He is alright having sex with a married couple as long as he chooses the couple. What I am asking is, "Why is he wanting to involve others in our sex life, knowing I do not feel the same way. Why remain married????????????

Answer 1

It sounds to me like the fantasy is much better than the reality is going to be for him. As an experienced swinger I can tell you that it only works if both members of the couple have an equal say in the matter.

Also, straight-up, contrary to popular belief, women usually have more say-so over who you swing with as a couple since men's "strike-zones" are usually a bit wider than women's. Otherwise it's easier for a man to find a woman he is attracted to than for a woman to find a man she is attracted to. So he'll be disappointed if he thinks it's any other way. Also, him choosing the couple doesn't mean the couple will choose you two. There are four people involved that all have to be attracted to the opposite member and comfortable with them for it to happen.

Also, although more men than women first suggest swinging, women seem to get the most out of it since it really liberates them sexually and helps them get over allot of the Western society guilt associated with sex and being a sexual person.

This is a disaster waiting to happen. If what you say is the case he is not emotionally equipped to handle you having a good time with another man. Watching you have a great time has to be as exciting to him as him having a great time. That is how it works. I'll tell you right out that my wife is my favorite pornstar. :-)

The big thing is that experienced couples will pick-up on your situation really quick. After awhile you get drama-radar and can usually sense when all isn't right with a couple.

Why would someone want to involve others in their sex life? For us it was we had a great marriage and great sex already. We were secure in each other and our relationship. We also had fantasies that required more than two people to fulfill. It was evolution of our relationship. And our relationship is even better now. Our communication is on a level I never thought possible, and we really know why we are together, and it's not just for sex. It's because we really love everything else about each other.

If you both are not on the same page about, then you shouldn't do it. As a couple, in swinging or not, if something doesn't work for either of you, than it doesn't work for both of you. If it benefits the individual it also has to benefit the couple. If you don't want to do it than he should accept that. That is what being a couple is all about.

If you want some good, honest, open discussion about swinging from both newbies and veterans alike, check out The Swingers Board (link below). You'll find lots of good information about everything you mentioned in your question.

Answer 2

Hi there. It sounds as if his desire to swing is mostly fueled by alchohol and his own impulses. In the reality of it, you are right, he IS a jealous person, and whether you swing or not, he will continue to be the way he is. How do you feel about swinging? In my opinion, I would say that it is a bad idea, and should remain a fantasy. A marriage is a sacred union between two people, and should not be opened up to others in that way. If he is pressuring you to be with others and you do not agree with it 100 percent, then ideally he would respect that. It sounds as if he has alot of insecurity, and has trouble finding happiness within himself, and this may be another attempt to make himself feel better. Do yourselves a favor and get into marriage couseling IMMMEDIATELY. If you already have tried that, try it again. If you are already IN it, then find another counselor. I am guessing that he may not be open to the idea of counseling, and with everything that is going on, I would suggest you INSIST on it. You have the right to be in a marriage where you do not feel as you alone are not enough to satisfy your husband, and if he cannot let this swinging idea go, you should consult a pastor or counselor yourself to help you make a further decision. My best to you. God bless.

Answer 3

The reasons could be many things. One could be that he has already been involved with someone else and wants to get it off his chest ( without telling you who or what happened ). It could be that he just wants to see you with another woman ( which most men fantasize about anyway ). Or it could just be that he is simply bored with his life and thinks this is a good way to shake things up. I have been married 15 years and the thought of another man with my wife kills me. That being said if we had to consider swinging then I would hope that we could chose the couple together, instead of just one of us choosing. Choose together and maybe it could be enjoyable, maybe not. At least you both had a say in the matter.

Answer 4

He is wanting to involve others in your sex life?...it seems that he wants to do this alone..not with you...since He is already going ahead with the swinging..even though you disagreee..It sounds like its all about Him...and he dosent care about you...and why would he want you to get drunk? Just so you will give In? Hes very selfish...and why all of a sudden did this occur? Or has he being doing it for Years without your knowledge? Sounds Odd, sounds like he had a brain fart... Divorce Him Your still young

Answer 5

I wasn't going to touch this one but here goes....

This is JMHO. I always thought this was a sneaky way to get tail on the side. Suggest it to the wife, if she's cool with it great. If not you tried. I don't think I would have waited until 40 (not saying anything is wrong with 40, I'm 31) but it seems to me to have been lifestyle you started in early and continued. But to each his own. To summarize, I think he just wants some excitment.

Honey if you read this I just "thought" about suggesting it. It passed.

Answer 6

First, girl, get some therapy to find out why you have tolerated a jealous control freak for 23 years. When you are strong enough, kick him to the curb, because he's already cheating on you. You deserve better!

Get checked for STD's, too.

Answer 7

MID-LIFE CRISIS!!!! That and he may be bored from the relationship. Maybe you should try new things. If he persists to do the swinging thing, then go to couseling. Make it clear that it is something that you do not want to do and that you love only him. It could make things worse if you partake and go along with it. If the couseling doesn't work, and he still wants to, then you come to your own conclusion. Good luck! :)

Answer 8

If this is something that you are not wanting to do then tell him to piss off...Seems to me that he just wants to sleep with someone else and wants you involved so he can say who you sleep with...very weird. I understand that there are people that love this life style and that's fine if its your thing. But since you don't seem to want any involvement in it I would tell him just how you feel and answer your own question...Why remain married then?

Answer 9

He's cheating on you and now he wants to cover it up by asking to swing. Slap him upside the face and divorce him! He was no good for you for 23 years, why stay with him another minute?

Answer 10

You will need to get a divorce the judge will lean your way for alimony, and you will get a lot of preference in court. Go all the way stick it to him , he is cheating and wants to get you all involved, don't do it. Get him court and live nicely without him he isn't worth worrying over. Judges frown on this type of behavior especially after all those years, stick to him good.