Why can't my ex understand?

Question

He cheated on me, left me for the other woman, is moving in with her - all in six months. I know we were having problems but I thought we could work things out. We are now divorced. I try to deal with him only when I have to - when it is about our son. I do not bad mouth him or the other woman to our son - even though it is hard at times. I will not impact my son's relationship with his dad.

However, my ex believes we need to establish a new relationship. He says I am still important to him. I do not want anything to do with him. I have told him I do not know him anymore and I have no interest in getting to know the new him. The one who tells me he is very happy with this other woman and they are in love. I think he is expecting too much from me. Are all exes like this or is mine still wanting his cake and eat it too? I think he needs us to re-establish a relationship to lessen his guilt. Any thoughts??

Answer 1

He feels like crap and thinks that he will feel better about himself if you are friends.

It is another demonsrtation of his propensity to selfish behaviour.

Have nothing to do with him until you are ready, if thats what you eventually decide to do.

Answer 2

Guess he feels he's no longer married, thus the field remains open. And with you, he's comfortable. Let him believe what he THINKS needs to happen. But be firm in NOT abiding by his beliefs. I dont know the age of your son. But can you imagine his confusion if mom and dad were the best of friends. Insist that HE remain with his lover......and NOT implicate you in any way. Remind him that you're DIVORCED, which says there is NO need to ESTABLISH a relationship. Further remind him that you've already HAD a relationship with him. And it did NOT work. And you have neither the time nor inclination to develop another. Please be firm, and remain strong.

Answer 3

He wants the cake, ice cream, and whatever else he can get with it.
I've been in the same boat you are in now. It's been 2 2/1 yrs. for me - my husband fell 'in love' with a 21 yr. old coworker while I was finishing up chemo for breast cancer. We had been married 12 1/2 yrs. at that point and had an 11 yr. old. My ex still had a hard time maintaining eye contact with me for the first 2 yrs. He wanted to 'be friends' and even very generously offered himself for my sexual needs while he decided what he wanted to do with his life. I told him where to shove it (not my usual chipper response).
On the up side his relationship with his mistress only lasted 2 1/2 yrs. Now he's on to his next victim. Our son is getting used to the roller coaster ride. Relationships take work - that 'in love' feeling generally only lasts about 2 yrs. If your ex hasn't figured that one out in the next 1 1/2 yrs. his current relationship will go out the window, too. And his guilt is playing a huge part in his attitude now. It will continue - especially if your son is old enough to be affected by what your ex has done (boys ages 6 - 13 suffer the worst). But, like most men who lie, cheat, etc. it won't be the ex's fault (not in his eyes, anyway).
Go to counseling, do your best to rebuild your life, and only maintain the contact necessary for your son. Don't badmouth dear dad to your son, but if he is old enough to understand, don't make excuses for what dad did either - it will come back to bite you in the butt later. Kids are being fed this 'sometimes people just grow apart' muck instead of being told that dad just wanted a change of scenery and that being a family just wasn't worth a little effort. Plus, if he's anything like my ex, he loves being a part-time dad vs. a full-time dad. Much less responsibility - makes him feel single and free again.
I don't usually sound this bitter nowadays - but your question and story hit home. I feel for you.

Answer 4

Whether you like it or not you have to establish some kind of means of communication with your ex. You have a child together and that will never change. Its hard I know because I have been there. I don't think that he is trying to suck you back in with having his cake. I do however think that when he means establishing a new relationship I think he means on a civil level. You can't just brush him off because he moved on, the reality is he will always be a part of your life like it or not..

Answer 5

You are so right he is doing it to lessen his guilt. Some men can't stand to have someone mad at them. In all honesty it sounds like you are taking the right approach and keeping your distance unless your son is concerned. Really you owe him nothing and if it makes it easier for you to keep your distance that's exactly what you should do. If he wanted a relationship with you he shouldn't have cheated. NO CAKE HERE MR.!!!! Good luck!!!

Answer 6

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/t3P0k

Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.

The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.

Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.

Answer 7

Sounds about right to me....what he's really looking for is forgiveness. He can want all he wants....its only yours to give you are ready to give it. And giving him forgiveness doesn't involve having to have a relationship. It just means that there are no longer any hard feelings...both parties have moved on and the two of you can treat each other as if you were acquaintances.

Answer 8

I have an ex like that .In fact i was just talking to him .He left me suddenly after 18 yrs of marriage .He is remarried and still wants me in his life .It is okay with me to communicate with him but you may not want to do that.For me it's been 6 years and it may be too soon for you. You don't owe him anything ,no explaination nothing! In time you will forgive him and move on .GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

I agree.
You already have the communication necessary to continue to raise your son. Thats all you need. He may be trying to keep you close in the event that things dont work out with his new gf. Keep your distance, at least emotionally. Who cares what he wants or what he thinks your relationship should be now? You do what you feel is comfortable for you. You are done trying to please him. Good for you.

Answer 10

You hit the nail on the head. He is trying to lessen his guilt. Just support your child in his relationship w/ his father.

Answer 11

Maybe he just wants to cheat again, but this time you would be the other woman. Move on, date again, hope your son doesnt turn out like him.