Husband gave ultimatum what should I do?

Question

My son, whos 19, does not take showers regularly enouogh and does not wash his clothes that often, so occationally he stinks. I go round and round with him every morning just about asking him to please take a shower, please wash your clothes. Sometimes he does it sometimes he doesn't. Let me just say that other than that he is a great son. Never caused us a lick of problems. But this morning my hubby gave an ultimatum, either my son (his step-son) takes a shower and washes his clothes or he has to move. I told my husband he was being rediculous. My son is currently going to college and does not have away to support himself. My husband said, "its either him or me, you decide!" I talked to my son, I said, "Please take a shower and wash your clothes when you get home." And he said he would, but I am still stunned by my husbands ultimatum, what should I do?

Answer 1

EASY, tell your husband you choose your son. You are his mother you have a responsibility to him. Your husband is being unreasonable. Sure this is a problem, but this ultimatum was not the solution. Tell him if the ultimatum stands, he needs to leave. Don't abandon your son just because your husband is an a**hole. You will regret it.
Get rid of the jerk.

Answer 2

I understand his frustration, and that is most likely what came out when he said that. I would find a middle ground on this. First the son needs to bathe and wash his clothes that has nothing to do with not having any money, especially if he is living with you. Tell him that if he does not start doing this then he can move into the garage, or the shed. I must say I for the most part am taking the husbands side on this, however I think an ultimatum is taking it a bit far. Both of you sit down with your son and tell him that if he wishes to remain under your roof he needs to still abide by some rules that apply to anyone in your home. Coming home at a decent hour (that is general respect) no drugs or booze and keeping your part of the house clean (your self and your clothes and your sleeping quarters) if these cannot be met then he needs to look for different arrangements. I do not think that at age 19 that is an unreasonable request.

Answer 3

Since your son is not an independant adult and relies on you and your husband to meet many of his needs, he should have responsibilities around the house and certain rules he needs to follow. It does not seem unreasonable to require that he take regular showers and wash his clothes. His laziness is inconsiderate of all those around him--not just you and your husband. Anyone he rooms with will have some minimum standards of what is acceptable for him to stay. You do him no favors by letting him get by with something that has the potential to affect all of his other relationships and his prospects for future employment.

Stand by your husband and make out a schedule of required showers and laundry days for your son to follow. Be specific about what is acceptable. If he just won't do it, tell him to find somewhere else to live. He has a sweet deal with you, and if he's not willing to give a little to keep it, he is not appreciating what he has and needs to learn a few hard lessons in life. Don't worry, if you send him off, chances are he will crash on a friend's couch for a few days. And don't you think his friends might also be bothered by his stink in close quarters?

Your husband is NOT being ridiculous. He sees that your son should by now be becoming a man. You are still protecting him as your boy. Teach your son that a man takes care of his responsibililties and is considerate of those around him. He does not take advantage of anyone, but always pulls his own weight and contributes wherever he is.

Answer 4

You have not raised an adult, you have raised a child. My wife did the same thing, and I got sick of my step-daughter demonstrating no drive, being lazy, keeping her room a pigsty, being unemployed, not even wanting to learn how to drive, etc., also by the time she was about 19. Maybe your husband naturally assumed that he wouldn't have to deal with a stinky boy-man once your son had graduated from high school. Well, now your child is legally an adult (even if he's not one emotionally), so your husband now has a bit more leverage. Your husband wants to hold your son to some very *minimum* standards. It shocks me that you possess inadequate backbone even to enforce such a bare minimum. I would imagine that your husband is not only sick of your son being such a stinky slob, he is also sick of YOU being the kind of mother who has to beg her own son to take a shower rather than demonstrate some actual parental authority. If in following the ultimatum you choose your son, you are choosing a boy who takes advantage of you over a man who wants simply to be married to a good parent.

Answer 5

Personal hygiene is a big deal to some people. I don't think there is anything wrong with your husband deciding that he simply can't take the smell any more. Your son is an adult and if he values living at home then I think this is a small thing for him to do. Living at home after you 18 is a privilege not a right that should be taken for granted.

Answer 6

There are bigger problems in life than this, your husband is looking for ways to cause drama, for something as pointless as this, your son is a teenager on the go, who doesn't want to do these things until he absolutely has to. Ask your husband what the real problem is or he can get out, see how he likes the ultimatum. Your son will grow out of this, will your husband?

Answer 7

WOW! Ok first of all, I can't really blame your husband for wanting your son to be clean and healthy. A college student should know better then going around dirty, and stinking. I don't think it is right to make you choose between him and your son. He feels strongly about the cleanliness, and you should too. I would give your son a 2 week trial period to get his cleanliness in order, and at that point if he hasn't cleaned up his act, than you and your husband should decide on a "eviction" time frame. That way it gives your son a chance to get his head strait on the daily showers and laundry, and it gives him time if he don't clean up, to get prepared for moving out. Honestlly he needs to grow up a bit and realize he is not a person one wants to be down wind from, and start taking care of himself.
And of course there is a large poss. that your son is depressed, maybe see about getting him some help.

Answer 8

I think your husband needs to take it easy a little, but at the same time, I'd say give your husband his due. It's your and your husband's house, and your son is living there free or cheap, it sounds like. Your son needs to learn to live by the rules, and you and your husband need some way to enforce the rules. You can't beat him, you can't ground him, you can't sell im to the circus... what's left? You could kick him out, or start charging rent, and that's about it. Your husband is trying the enforce the rules the only way he can.

Answer 9

Your son has shown his disrespect for you and your husband by smelling like road kill unless it suits him. His body odor offends everyone and you son just does not seem to care about that. So after you and I am guessing your husband have gone round and round, he still ignores your requests and continues to stink. So your husband puts it on the line, either respect our home and us or get out. Your son is 19 (an adult) and if he wants to make adult decisions and just disrespect your and your husbands wishes, than he needs to be ready to accept the results of his actions. I think your husband was 100% in the right and that you should back him 100% and not go behind your husbands back and try to soften the blow by begging him to comply. Your son is a man by legal definitions and shows no respect for your wishes, it is time to let him face up to being a man and stop coddling him...

Answer 10

I agree with your husband's position 100%.

On the other hand, while I am not in any position to diagnose anyone, it sounds like your son is exhibiting some symptoms of depression. I'd look into that.