Is it wrong for the divorced mother to talk to the kids about when her and daddy were married even though...?

Question

they split up when the children were 1 1/2 yrs and 1 yr, and are now both re-married? If the children never really knew about any of it, and don't remember it and both parents have moved on(well at least one), then why talk to the children about it at all? I mean, tell them if they ask, but why say anything to them if they don't. The only thing the kids are going to end up asking is why mommy and daddy aren't married anymore(which is why I think they were told in the first place) and it will only confuse them. They are too young to understand why the parents split. The children are 5 and 6 now. But they were asking questions about mommy and daddy being married when they were 3 and 4 out of the blue. But they weren't even old enough to remember when daddy and mommy were together! And none of them were alive when they were married. The grandmother argues that it is important to the kids to know that daddy and mommy were married, but they were only together 1 1/2 yrs.

For a VERY BAD 1 1/2 yrs. It was not happy at all.

the children were concieved out of alcohol, not love. It was a marriage that was pressured by parents to happen because the woman was pregnant. And thats it, that's why the marriage failed fro the beginning. Cause they did not get married cause they wanted to.

I believe the children should be told answers to the questions they ask. But not be told outright at such a young age(like 3 and 4) when they are not old enough to comperhend these things. Even 5 and 6 is still to young to understand the complexity of marriage.

Answer 1

I can't say that its *wrong* but it seems a little early to be discussing divorce with the children at their ages. I'm sure they'll have random questions why mom and dad don't live together and those questions can easily be answered.

Make sure she isn't lying and other than that - perhaps she just doesn't have a concept of conversations with children that make sense.

Miss Cris
http://lendinganear.wordpress.com

Answer 2

No, why would that be important for them right now. If they ask you, you can say yes, but you don't need to go into detail. Focus on your new husband and his relationship with the kids. He is basically their father. I have a child with someone who is not my husband. I have marrried since having him, but not to the father. It is important for my son to know he has two dads and he is very blessed. He knows and he's made up his own mind about how things are. Sometimes he feels his loyalties torn but I reassure him. He's never known any different and neither do your children. Adding that in will only confuse and frustrate them. Yes, it's important to know you were married if they ask. And telling them details about the marriage... absolutely not. When they get older you can tell them sometimes mommy's and daddy's can't stay married. Sometimes mommy's and daddy's fight too much. We didn't want to fight anymore.... or something to that effect. Never put the daddy down. They will figure that out on their own. That does not mean you should build your ex up either. Just be matter of fact but leave out the bad stuff. I hope I haven't confused you. Have a lovely day.

Answer 3

I found this question really interesting as it is something that I have experience of - to an extent. My nephew is 4 and his sister is 2. Their parents have been split up since the eldest was 11/2 and my sister was pregnant with the youngest. My nephew, very recent;y started talking about "when daddy lived at home" and asking questions about his daddy (he sees his dad on weekends and some evenings during the week).

At this age, children start to get a social awareness. They areintegrating more with other children and see themselves in relation to other children and their situation. They are able to remember and retain information more readily. It is also at this sort of age and stage that they realise that not everyone lives in the same way, wears the same clothes, eats the same food and has the sam colour of skin. If the see themselves as different in any way they are bound to ask questions of what has happened.

So your children know that they have a mummy and a daddy but that they don't live together. They accepted that as the norm up until now. Now that they know that there are other, different, living situations between parents, they are bound to ask questions.

I don't have kids of my own but I teach them. I can't tell you and advise you what to do. I can only give examples and my own thoughts.
1.children will resent it later if information - which THEY see as important - has been withheld from them or they have been lied to.
2. Why would there be anything wrong with telling your children about the time that ou and your partner were together as long as it doesn't paint your partner in a bad light? You loved each other enough at one point to make 2 babies together and I have no doubt that you both love your children and you can surely sheare that with them.
3. It's part of their identity. They should, surely, know as much about their past, their heritage as you can fairly share with them without hurting them, yourself or your ex. I don't remeber where I was born as I was too young but that country holds special significance to me. I don't remember my great grandparents but I know that I have some of their traits. I don't remember being badly bitten by a dog aged 18 months, but I will never own a pet dog as I'm terrified of them.


Simply my musings. I hope they provide you with some thought on your question!

As for my sister and her ex. They are on good terms now with each other and both agreed that they could share with the kids some of the good times that they all shared, including the fact that mum and dad loved each other enough at one point to make 2 very special babies together.

Answer 4

I think they are too young to understand as well. If it was a bad marriage then it is not appropriate to tell them of the events that transpired. When asked why you are not together you could say something as simple as mommy and daddy could just not get along and leave it at that. It is also inappropriate to bash the other parent to the children. If there are good things that you could tell them about your marriage then I would say that it would be okay...I think they just want information about a family that they would have liked to have but cannot. I would wait until they were older to go into any more detail. Good luck.

Answer 5

It is important to tell them those things if they ask but make it age appropriate. Your kids are 5 and 6, they're at a very curious age. Mine are the same age and they want to know about anything and everything. If they don't ask, if I were you, I'd tell their grandmother that you disagree and that you'll tell them about it if and when they're ready. This might be one of those things they won't care to know until they're much older and can handle the emotions that will go along with imagining Mommy and Daddy together. I would never in a million years right now tell my kids about the times when Mommy and Daddy were together. The most they'll get out of me is that we use to go to dinner and spend time with each other's families. They're just not old enough to understand the circumstances. Does that make sense? Good luck to you!!!

Answer 6

well i think kids have the rights to know.... even though they are young now and they don't give the children answer, maybe 5-10 years later they will ask this question again so is just a matter of time to tell them. in future the children might also face the same thing as wat the parent did in the past, after telling them the reason why did this happen. they might have a different solution to solve that problem and won't ended up in the same ending like their parent in the past

Answer 7

It's important that the children believe they were conceived out of love. Otherwise they will feel down on themselves and worry that your bad feelings are their fault. Just explain to them that at the time mommy and daddy loved eachother very much. But in time that love turned into a different kind of love; but that kind of love wasn't the kind marriage is made from. Simple enough.

Answer 8

At 5 and 6 they talk about these things in school, and if you don't tell them it may come back to bite you later on. Don't th respective parents even have visitation? That's sad. My ex-husband didn't want anything to do with our daughter, and I told her that Mr ** lived far away-he did-and he didn't like Mommy very much. When I met my husband now, I told him that if we were to get married I would want him to adopt my daughter, we all went to the courthouse and did it together, and made it a little ceremony. Now she is grown and she told her children about their daddy, whom they also don't remember and doesn't come to see them. She just got remarried in May, next year they are talking about him adopting the children.

Answer 9

I agree with you. Only tell the kids what they need to know as they ask their questions. There isn't a need to go into all of the negatives; there's always a chance that they'll want a relationship with their father at some point in their lives, so it's really important to not put their father down.

Answer 10

Children need to believe they were conceived out of love. So neither of you should tell them the "truth" about being conceived due to alcohol comsumption. That would truly hurt them emotionally. They need to know their parents were married and that their parents divorced because it wasn't the happy marriage they had hoped for. That's all they need to know, but, yes, someone should tell them that much.