I'm in emotional hell! How do I get the hatred out of my marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 4 years we were the absolute best of friends, we have a phenomenal sex life, I couldn't ask for better. However he is extremely hurtful in the things he says to me. Often for no apparent reason at all. He critiques everything I do, from the way I drive, take care of the kids,(did I mention we have 4 children involved in this mess- 2 from his previous, 1 from mine and 1 together), there has even been times when he has critiqued my performance in the bedroom. I am open to suggestions when it comes to just about everything, but I think the are ways to say things. He calls me very hurtfull things, most I am sure i can not repeat, here's a hint to his favorite name- Cee yoU Next Tuesday. I'm having a real hard time coping with all of this, not to mention I am almost a prisoner trapped at home with the kids. Any suggestions would be helpful. Do I put up with his s*** or walk?

Answer 1

First - find a licensed marriage therapist, not Yahoo Answers.

Second - ask "do you both still want to be married?"

If so, you need to improve communication. You both need to show equal respect. Marriages very rarely break down unilaterally - there's pain and distrust on both sides. Yes, he's treated you badly. But how do you treat him? It's going to be a lot of work, but if you both want it to work, you can make it.

Answer 2

Help for marriage?
If he is willing to attend counseling and if you can afford it, great! It can help a lot!

I you need voluntary help, may be you want to talk to your Priest. Yet, too often, the husband does not want to go to therapy or counseling.

What if you cannot afford counseling, raising 4 kids, and what if he does not even want to go to a Priest?

Well, your kids need both parents and stability, having gone through a lot already. Yet, struggle in the home is not good for kids. What to do?

Here is a suggestion, see if it works for you. It takes openness and willingness of both partners.

Step 1 - Every evening, sit down with your husband and write down 10 questions each (by hand or by computer, if too much, start with 5 questions).

Step 2 - Copy the questions on a second pice of paper (by hand or by computer).

Step 3 - Then both receive a copy of each set of 10 questions, so you have your questions and your husband's questions, and he has his and yours, too.

Step 4 - Next, each of you answer the 20 questions (10 of his and 10 of yours).

Step 5 - Exchange the papers and read the questions and answers, first of one person, then of the other.

Step 6 - Discuss how you feel about the results, if you both can stay at peace. If arguments come up, just let the questions be with no arguments or discussion.

Rules:
* Any question may be ask, but must be sincere, not ironic.

* All questions need not to be answered, but if answered the answer must be honest.

* The questions must not be formulated, "Why do you hurt me by saying..." but must be such, "When you say this, I feel hurt. Are you willing to instead say something nice to me and what would it be?"

After the questions and answers session is over, you can say three things:
* I d not like about you,
* I like about you, and
* This is what I want from you in the future (doing, saying; does not have to be right away).
Let one person speak first and finish, then let the other speak. No arguments about what has been said.

Then you may want to praise each other, starting with one praise; you may want to give each other a hug, or shake hands or make any sign of friendship and understanding. Keep it positive in the end id possible! It will be easier after time.

In a situation like you are in, neither he, nor you, nor your kids feel comfortable. See if he joins your questions and answers. You will be surprised how much you both can learn about each other in a very short time.

Bring happiness back into your marriage and family!

Cordially, India.Magica

Answer 3

Have you tried talking with him about this? Have you set him down and told him how much he is hurting you with the things he says, the way he critiques everything and especially the names? Perhaps, if you talk to him about it, it might make a little light come on in his head... If you have tried that and get no results, then you need to tell him that you would like the two of you to go see a marriage counselor together. Guys tend to really resist this idea, but give him the option of that or let him know you deserve better and if he will not go, then you are leaving. It is time to stand up and be strong. Don't get emotional or mean about anything you say, just be very firm in what you want to talk with him about and in your position.

Answer 4

If he isn't really listening to you verbally, then sit down an write a detailed letter teiing him exactly why you are upset with him. Tell him you've tried to tell him face to face but he isn't getting the hint and that you are not going to take it any more. You didn't marry this man to be in an emotional hell, and you don't deserve it. Also let him know that you do love him and want to work things out. you both need to set aside some time when you are away from the children and can sit and talk openly and honestly. Maybe if he reads this, he will understand finally that he is truely hurting you (he might not even realize he's doing this). If this doesn't work and he refuses to couples counseling, then I would leave him. Like I said before you do not deserve to be treated like a piece of s***.

Answer 5

I see no rationale to difference the definition. Websters defines marriage as: Main Entry: mar·riage Listen to the pronunciation of marriage Pronunciation: ?mer-ij, ?ma-rij Function: noun Etymology: Middle English mariage, from Anglo-French, from marier to marry Date: 14th century a million a (a million): the state of being united to a character of the reverse intercourse as husband or spouse in a consensual and contractual courting identified via regulation (two): the state of being united to a character of the identical intercourse in a courting like that of a conventional marriage b: the mutual relation of married humans : wedlock c: the school wherein contributors are joined in a marriage2: an act of marrying or the ceremony during which the married repute is effected ; particularly : the marriage ceremony rite and attendant festivities or formalities3: an intimate or near union Looks find it irresistible is inclusive of heterosexual- and homo-sexual relationships. Wedlock comes from the historic English which means that: an "lively pledge." Marriage isn't strictly a devout time period. Anyone who thinks that it's fairly demands to appear at who can get married. I'm an atheist and I can get married. Nothing devout is needed. I received married in a courtroom residence via a pass judgement on. I received divorced the identical approach. The US Code enables for identical intercourse marriages as good. It's how the phrases are outlined. There is not any rationale to difference the definition. People must difference their perspective and discover that we don't seem to be the entire identical faith on this international. Even the ones of the identical religion can not come to an contract.

Answer 6

What is your usual reaction to him calling you this? Calmly just accept, or scream out?
I think it is very obvious that he is taking you for granted.
I would suggest, you first sit down and list the top three things it makes you feel when he calls you these names, and be specific, for ex, respect, love. Once you have that, think about what you want to do if in case he does not stop cursing and demeaning after you talk to him...so your basic course of action. Remember, only you can decide what you are capable of living with, and for how long.

Taking this and with a calm mindset...sit him down, on a very stress-free evening, and talk to him...tell him exactly what is on your mind, and then let it be. You know how long you can, and are willing to wait for him to change.

No one is perfect, so i suggest you have a little more patience with him before totally giving up. It sometimes takes a calm voice to make a big change. Also, maybe you can change your view on the whole matter...try to do something for yourself, maybe a day at the spa. Stop looking for any approval from him, let him have what you say sink in. Become the person you were before all of this name calling...relax yourself, and you'll be able to eventually make a sound decision.

Answer 7

You poor thing, you sound like youre having quite the time with this ordeal. I dont blame you for being so upset. Your husband is wronge to critique you about everything you do. It hurts, because we woman want to do our very best for our men. Then to have him bring us down just like that, is aweful. Does your husband know how hurtful he's been to you? Do you talk about it much? You should look into counsiling. Maybe the counsilor will have a way to talk to your husband and make him see that, you are doing your very best to please him. Deep down your husband knows your doing an excellent job. Ok, maybe not to what he expects but, hey! You are doing the best any woman can do, he should be so thankful you care this much. Dont walk just yet, hon.
Try this, everytime your husband critiques you, ignore it, just act like you didnt hear him, chang the subject. When he comes home from work, run into his arms and say that you have a surprise. Then show him everything you did, just for him. He will be blown back with your kindness.Its going to be hard doing this but try it, he will see as he is yelling at you, (and your smiling and showing him all that your doing just for him,) that he is making a big mistake. Kindness can break the mold of fights. Just prove the point that you are not going to argue with him, like he wants you to do. Take deep breaths when you are upset and try thinking possitive. You very sweet I can tell, and dont want to see your marriage crumble. You dont have to, just hang in there. If your husband loves you, he will see his faults and stop hounding you so.

Answer 8

If you didn't have children, I'd say RUN!! You are married to a controling, nasty man. He wants to be in charge and demean you (in front of the children?) and make you feel subserviant to him. Do NOT allow this. Since you do have children, you should try to work this out by changing his behavior AND yours. Do not allow him to call you these names or trap you in your home, or cut you off from friends and relatives. This is what controling abusers do. It's a RED FLAG . Tell him you will not allow it and that he either stops this controling, negative behavior, or you will divorce him and take your children away from this. It's not a good example for them to see. The boys will grow up to be like him and the girls will grow up to think it's okay to be abused. You should then ask him to go to counseling with you so that this can be worked out. I suspect this is why he and his first wife were divorced. Maybe he had a bad role model himself. But, under no circumstances should you just put up with this because it is very bad for your self-esteem and terrible for your kids' to witness. You have to take action now before his abuse escalates to physical violence. He has no respect for you if he's acting this way. You need to demand RESPECT.

Answer 9

Its easy for us to say walk out and leave, dont put up with it...but you have 4 years and 4 children to think about and its not that easy.

You should stop and think and dont do anything until you are absolutely sure you are making the right decision.

Dont let anyone disrespect you no matter who it is. If he treats you like that does he really love you? Is it worth it? Im sorry you have to go through that.

I wont give the typical anwser, I will just tell you that you know in your heart what is right. Good Luck!

Answer 10

You should not have to put up with this... Respect for each other is one thing that matters the most in the relationship. You need to walk out of this marriage, no matter how great in bed your husband is or for how long you were the best of friends! Have respect and love for yourself, don't let anybody, including your husband, treat you this way. I hope you make the right choice.