OK here goes, If f you have read my profile you have a little idea of my life. My wonderful wife and I have been together for 17 years and married for 16. She left me two weeks ago to keep her and our children safe. The problem comes in with my attitude. I was down right nasty to them, for a long time. This is not the first time we have seperated for this, the difference this time is I knew it was happening and didn't know what to do. I was so depressed this time, I told her so. For so long I have unknowingly viewed my family as an inconvenience. I worked from the time I got out of bed till I went to bed. If I wasn't actually working I would just plan my workfor tomorrow. Now, we have dinners out and I am taking care of them financially which I do enjoy. The time together is great but saying goodbye each time is hard. How do I show her how much that I love her. I want to win back her love, I know it is there but how do I find it? I am getting couselling that I need and will continue.
2006-11-06 21:57:42 · 13 answers · asked by spbeirman 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well councilling is a start tell her what your doing and what your going to do to get better show her your progress. ask to see her and the children build it back up but slowly dont rush things explain how you feel let her speak even ake things you may not want to hear. I know how you feel im ready to leave my hubby if things in our marriage cant improve, Its about feeling safe but being honest and fair. 17 years is a lot so i hope you can work this out, and working that long and not caring isnt good its about balance but as my boss says family comes first.
2006-11-06 22:03:32 · answer #1 · answered by adelaidegm 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well done for opening up like this and well done for seeking help in the form of a counsellor. The hardest step is to admit you have difficulties and to actually take the steps to change the way you are. Believe me its easier to do nothing and in the long run this way is the hardest because you run the risk of loosing everything you hold dear to you.
Your wife, children and you need time. No-one can wave a magic wand and make things OK overnight. The fact that your wife is open to you all going out for an evening meal together is a sign to me that she wants this to work. You need to be patient and try not to rush things, it seems that you appreciate your family have been hurt by your actions and only time will show them that you are taking positive steps to become a family unit again.
Stick to the counselling and learn to discuss your feelings with your wife. Most men seem to think that being honest about their feelings is a sign of weakness but its completely the opposite, it shows you are in touch with your feelings and that you are a human being. Stick with the meals out, plan a family day out and also arrange a night out for just you and your wife. Think back to the things you used to do when you first met and how you made one another feel and what made you fall in love with one another in the first place and re-live this.
I really do wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you, true love shines through and will conquer the day everytime just give it time. xx
2006-11-06 22:14:18 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a wife of a husband who has been a jerk for many years.
I told him last fall that I wanted out. I gave my all to the relationship and I got very little, if anything at all, in return. I was done. Emotionally, mentally, financially, physically exhausted. I felt like I was dying a slow death on the inside. He's been trying to kiss my backside since, but there is just so much emotional baggage that I am unsure if I could be with him for the rest of my life. I've been burned too many times. I have forgiven him but not forgotten. I have no problem being friendly with him but I don't know if I could grow old with him.
My two cents.
2006-11-06 22:31:54 · answer #3 · answered by Jennifer L 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all you have made the first step on the ladder to improvement by admitting your faults. Well done!
Secondly, you obviously have your wifes love as she is still entertaining you after all these years. But she has to protect her children, first and foremost. What you need to earn is her trust!
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can wake up and smell the coffee.
This break you are having sounds like it is very good for you and your wife. Embrace it!
It may take some time if as you say, you have been hurting them for so long. You will have to be patient and open with your positive feelings. You will also have to deal with your negative feelings privately or with your counsellor. I hope you do have one.
Saying goodbye temporarily is much easier than saying goodbye permanently. And think yourself lucky that the latter is not the case.
Good luck.
2006-11-06 22:17:49 · answer #4 · answered by anyamosaic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Taking responsibility is the first step. A family is never inconvenience. They love u and care for u.That's the way it should be all around.If the damage is deep then this would take time but never give up. Show ur wife that u are still the wonderful person she fell in love with and married. Show ur family that u care and will be there for them no matter what the case. Rekindle that old flame,this time make it bigger and brighter.... Good luck....
2006-11-06 22:23:46 · answer #5 · answered by sexyangel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
bravo to you, you are already on the right track,maybe let her read what you just wrote, and then take it one step or day at a time, being able to take her out to dinner, means she still has feelings for you also. Maybe her leaving was her showing you just how much you took advantage of her, in the long run this just may break the ice, and get you two back together, and use it as one of those life lessons learned, and you should BOTH get into counceling it may help her too.
2006-11-06 22:04:46 · answer #6 · answered by walmartshopper 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have an "I" problem. You have focused on yourself and your job. By having your focus on yourself, you are choosing to be a jerk. Take your eyes off of yourself and focus on the real joys of life, your wife and kids. Taking care of their financial needs is great, but your wife needs you to help with the little things. Your kids just want a little time with daddy. Continue to go to counseling...apply it as well and ask yourself daily what can I do to make my family happy. (Eye off you, eyes on them.)
2006-11-06 22:38:56 · answer #7 · answered by Jenny 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hello. I am not an expert, but I can tell you just what I think. Pay attention to the small things, the little details. Don't give up when you don't see quick results, but hold tight, and the longer you hold up the better things will work out.
Good luck
2006-11-06 22:01:59 · answer #8 · answered by Teddy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dude you can not really expect thing to be easy for you.? We all suffer the consequences of our actions. Words are just that words and after all the pain and hurt you causes it is going to take some time to redeem yourself. If she is what you want keep trying for as long as it takes. Remember anything worth having is worth fight for. Consider yourself lucky she is even talking to you!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-11-06 22:19:05 · answer #9 · answered by dettie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
get yourself help and go to marriage counsuling she probally will be willing and want to go since she stuck by you being a jerk for so long....i went thru the same thing and i threw my husband out he didn't knwo what to do so he went and got help and was actually suffering from a chemical imbalance and a year later we are even happier then before.
2006-11-06 22:51:30 · answer #10 · answered by christina c 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋