My fiance's ex tell us not to have kids?

Question

My fiance John and I are getting in a month. We want children as soon as possible. We have been living together for over two years now. We are financially and emotionally ready. John already has a two year old son, Lucas; and he shares custody of Lucas with his ex-girlfriend Laura. I have been with John since before Lucas was born, and I have had a large part in raising him. However, I KNOW that doesn't make me a mother, or ready to be one.

Laura keeps making comments like "Are you sure you and John will be able to afford Lucas's child support if you have a baby?" (She doesn't even know we're trying!!!) Not to mention that *I* don't pay her child support, but whatever. She keeps asking when we plan on having kids, and she's told friends that she wants to "beat us" in having kids. Dude, WHO CARES?!?!? It's not a race!!

How do I deal with her insidious comments? I can't avoid her, and I don't want to argue with her in front of Lucas.

Other than this BS, Laura and I mostly get along. It's important to me to get along with her, for Lucas's sake. It's none of her business when John and I are planning on having kids, but I can't exactly TELL her that with out Mrs. Drama Queen going postal. What can I do?

Answer 1

You know, it does make you a mother since you have been a large part of raising Lucas, so don't put that responsibility down. :) In fact, you've done a lot more than his mother, who is afraid, for the most part, that you will be a better mother not only to her son, but even to you and John's child. It really isn't her business to know when or how you two plan to start an addition to your family. It is important, as you said,that you and she get along for the sake of Lucas, who will just be pushed in the middle of the conflict. Kudos to you for seeing the necessity in getting along with another woman, who should be making forth the effort herself.

You're right in that you can't avoid her. The fact that you two get along for the most part is a great start. Avoiding her questions can be dealt with humor and ignoring her questions by bringing up another topic. You can always get the conversation back to her like asking something about a favorite topic she loves to divulge in. Perhaps she has a new outfit on or a new haircut; her nails were done or something - put the focus on that or even bring up current events - anything to move the topic away from you and John's personal life. If you can get her away from the topic each time, soon, she will stop asking (and certainly never bring up the possibility around her). If the two of you agree on something that has to do with Lucas, you can discuss that and ask her what her opinion is. Since she gave birth to him, she will be more than happy to talk about her preferences on what to do with him.

As time goes on and you do get pregnant, she will probably go on her tangent again. Perhaps she needs reassurance that your love for Lucas will never change. Aside from telling her that, you can continue to show her. This should set her mind at ease. So often, couples that have a child prior to their getting together start a new family and the other parent of that child will fear that this child will be neglected. Of course, this has happened to some families and we always hear horror stories about that. So Laura just may need reassurance verbally and by seeing it, that Lucas will not be neglected, that he will still have all of your love, and that he will not be treated any differently than now; in fact, that he will be included because you already think of him as part of you and John's family.

Also remember you are in the place that she probably had hoped to be. You represent the success of that union with John and Lucas, not her. So jealousy will be prevalent until she can move on with her life. Be a little patient...things will work out. You're doing a fantastic job already.

Answer 2

if this was in Australia, Lauras child support would decrease with John becoming a father to more children- I wonder if this is where her babble is coming from....

i would simply tell her that the decision to have kids is only yours and Johns and when the time is right (whether that when you start trying or when you are pregnant) you will let her now (out of respect to her as Lucas' mother)

Id leave it at that and if she kept saying things politely ask her to stop

good luck!

Answer 3

You simply inform Laura that you would like to keep your relationship strictly about Lucas. What you and your fiancee decide to do is none of her business. Sounds like the ex is trying to make sure her child support money will keep rolling in. Just continue to be civil. When Laura asks those questions, inform her that you haven't even gotten married yet and would like everything to fall the way it's supposed to. Don't give her anymore information than she deserves. Sounds like she is very jealous of you if she is trying to get pregnant before you. It's not like your fiancee is going to care due to he won't be the one getting her pregnant. She needs to grow up and you should continue doing what you do. Good luck and GOD bless.

Answer 4

It's none of her business, tell her that you and John can handle it without her uncalled-for advice. After all, she's "HISTORY" and has no right to interfere with your life or what you do.
As for Lucas, assure him tht a new baby bro/sis will not change your love for him. Tell John to speak to her firmly - that she should NOT poke her nose into both your lives. It's up to you both to plan for your future, not for her to dictate.

Answer 5

You can either just ignore her or just tell her straight out that you think that it is really none of her business(If you do this, try to get her alone. Maybe invite her to drink coffee with you somewhere) and deal with her little hissy fit. She obviously does not understand the concept of boundaries and privacy. She should not be involved in whether you and your fiance decide to have a baby. If you don't feel as if you can tell her yourself, then have your fiance tell her that she needs to just butt out.

Answer 6

Sounds like jealousy on her part. Maybe she's afraid her ex won't pay as much attention to their child if you have your own.
Try to ignore her. It would be best if John would step in and talk to her rather than leaving you to deal with her.

Answer 7

Fro your own words of wisdom:

Dude, WHO CARES?!?!? It's not a race!!

If you are ready to have children...then DO SO.
You don't need anybody's permission, consent or remarks!
Ignore her comments and concentrate on being a good wife and a soon-to-be-mommy...

Good Luck :)

Answer 8

talk to her next time she says something. don't react to her with anger, but go to her honestly and tell her how it affects you. tell her that it hurts you when she makes comments and you don't there to be any tension between you and her because you like her and don't see any reason for unnecessary drama (or bs) hope this helps. most women will respond positively to another woman coming to her honestly and with real feelings.

Answer 9

I wouldn't even let it bother you. You and your bf are together and like you said it is none of her business. She might be jealous and doesn't want you to have HIS child. If she sees that it is bothering you she is going to continue to keep bringing up.

Answer 10

I wouldn't pay her no attention when she mentions it....She obviously feels threatened by the fact that you & he will have something that does not involve her and she's not very mature....She will get over it....Blow her off about it.....The more reaction she can get the worse she will be.....God ex's are such a pain.....