young mom with 2 kids,and my boyfriend dosnt help me.what should i do?

Question

i have an 18 month old son and a new born doughter.my doughter is up all night, and then when i get her to bed my toddler is getting up for the day.iv asked meny times for my boyfriend to help me so that i can get some sleep.but i always get the responce "im to tired, maybe tommorow night. but that never happins.im worn out and tired.what should i do?

Answer 1

If your boyfriend can't help you - I don't know what else you could do other than to talk to him when he is wide awake and let him know that relationships are partnerships and that he is not holding up his end. You need his help. You need to sleep sometimes too. It sounds like he is being very selfish and not considering how you feel at all - let alone not properly caring for your kids? An important question is if he is their dad because if he is, I would try to work this out more. If he is not, I see no reason to stay with this man.

I am sure he is not just inconsiderate and selfish regarding this. This attitude probably crosses over into other areas of life - him putting himself first - before the kids and you. As your boyfriend, he is also bringing those kids into his life and making a commitment to care for them too - they are a part of you.. it is a package. He is not doing that - he is not caring for anyone but himself.

As a last resort, I would go to couples counseling if nothing else works. Have you tried to discuss this with him when he is awake and alert? Is he aware of how much this is hurting you? Tell him if he is not aware. Make him understand that you and the kids are one package and that if he loves you, he should also love and care for them and sleeping and not getting up when you need his help is not right.. he is not acting like he loves anyone by doing that.

Loving someone is putting someone else first besides yourself sometimes - making them just as important - if not more important - than anything in this world. He wants to be there but not when he actually needs to help? There are tons of men that would stay up all night with your daughter and would rather watch you get your rest - they would do whatever it takes. I am thinking he is the dad but you didn't mention that in your question but the baby is a newborn.. hmm..

If he is not their father I would, seriously, let this guy go. It is about more than just this - him not waking up.. this says something about how he feels, how selfish he is and how he will be when things get tough. God forbid something ever happens where he needs to be the one to get up - say if you are sick or can' t be there - what happens then? He would just leave?

I know that some people are such deep sleepers that they can get nasty and not really understand but I don't think this is really the case. A relationship is not about caring just for yourself - it is about giving to the other person.. not just taking and it is not worth this - letting him do this over and over again. Make it very clear to him that he has to start taking some responsibility - I mean, even moreso if he is their father - even more so then. But - he knew you had children if he isn't the father - he knew so he made that commitment to all of you.. he has to help out - he has to be there.. you can't trust someone like this to be there unconditionally. Where is the support - where are any of the things that make a relationship a relationship - seriously.

:o)

Answer 2

I am going to presume that said boyfriend works, and that if he's not the Dad he acts as such.
I have a 17 month old and a 5 month old and my husband and I have had the exact same issues over the past two years-tired cos of nipper1 and then pregnant and tired followed by tired by nipper2 and nipper1, unrecovered from previous 18 months really.
I'm mid 30's and we had trouble agreeing on who's supposed to do what when and whether it's fair to have a lie in etc etc, can't imagine what it's like as a youngster,(no disrespect).
We came to this compromise;
I get up alone with the kids during the night on work nights and I don't wake hubby-he has to work the next day.
Once hubby home we share duties BUT he still gets to have a shower and come down from work for half hour on arrival.
I am at home during the day but am not in a position to get a nap like the txt books tell you so on either Sat or Sun I get an UNDISTURBED lie in and hubby does kids downstairs until noon latest.(and we've got 4 altogether)
At the weekend (or on non work nights) hubby and I share the kids duties. Truth be known you'll probably be up more than him in the wee hours but let him do the 6 or 7am one while you kip.
Hang on in there though, give it 12 months and you'll be sleeping through with your evenings your own from 7-ish.

IF however, I have the work situation wrong then I would suggest you seriously re-think your partners active role in your relationship-ie does he have one past the obvious? If not either put your foot down or vote with both of them.

Answer 3

Dump the boyfriend. Move in with your parents if you need to or a friend who will help. When your baby is old enough you can go back to work or better yet go back to school. Be sure you file on the ex-boyfriend for child support. I'm really not trying to be mean, but parenting is a two person job. You shouldn't have to be raising those kids alone when he's living with you. In the long run you'll be better off with someone else or even by yourself. Being a single mom won't be easy, but it sounds like your a single mom now anyway. Good luck.

Answer 4

Is he the father? Maybe you can talk to him when he isn't already asleep, or get him to keep the kids when he gets home from work. He takes care of them while you go to the park, or library for some quiet Mom time. The baby, the newborn, will get on a schedule soon so don't give up. If he don't give you help with the kids, then maybe a friend could come relieve you, or your mom? You have to have a break from the kids. You may not feel like it, but you are doing a great job. Your kids can feel your tension though, so try to do deep breathing, and even cry and let it out when you need to, but not in front of the kids...into a pillow or in the bathroom. If he isn't the father, and he is just some b/f that is laid up at your house, then kick him out!

Answer 5

I think you should sit him down and let him know how you feel. If that don't work yall probally should take a brake. As for the 18 month son don't let him take any naps and let him play his heart out. By 9:30 make him lay him down put some cartoons on and don't let him get up for nothing. It always work for me. He should be sleep by 10:30 to 11:00. Make sure if he's at a daycare they don't let him sleep all day.As for your newborn let her cry give her time to sooth herself don't be so quick to pick her up. lay her in her crib and just talk,sing, or read a five minute book to let her know you there but don't pick her up. For your boyfriend you can do bad all by yourself. If he really love you he's probally going to be understanding and let get like an hour of sleep because he shouldn't want to be tired are wore out. If not you know what you got to do because it's only going to hurt you in the long run. He not the one losing any sleep.

Answer 6

If he can't help you out then you don't need him. If you are going to be together then he has a responsibility to you and your kids. Taking care of the kids isn't just a womans job. Tell him that he isn't the only one who is tired and that if he can't help you out then you will find someone who will. Don't worry about what LB or Rence said. I think that you sound like a good mother otherwise you wouldn't be worried about your kids being taken care of. Everyone needs and deserves a break once in awhile. You just need to remember that your a mom and you need to put the wellbeing of your kids before your boyfriend. I really hope everything works out for you. Your not alone, lots of women go through this type of thing.

Answer 7

you need to have a talk with him because if he doesn't help now he will never help. i was married to a man 10 long years and he was good in his own way but when it came to our kids. i did everything; the homework, school activities, teacher parent conferences and etc. so think about that, i remarried and now my husband helps with everything, he goes to the school when i can't make it. believe me when i tell you you need support. my first husband was the the one who got me pregnant but this man has been there for us. baby pray about it because god will give you the man you need just ask him. you can do it by yourself until then you already doing it now. now if he is paying all of the bills that is a different story because he is doing something that a man is suppose to do and that is provide for his family. that is the bible. your young take your time every body you meet are not for you and doesn't love you children like you do remember that because they are yours not theirs, so be very careful who you put over your kids. the kids don't need to see a million different men in and out of your life. go out on dates and interview these men don't take them home to meet the kids. meet him at the park and see how he enter acts with children. when you see that he cares about you and the kids then start letting him come over. sometimes we do even give ourself time to get to know people just jump in the bed. it is not safe. you invite some one into your home and they could rob and kill you and those beautifull kids.

Answer 8

well.. if you think you have enough of him, i guess it's the time for A serious talk and 'assesment'.

1. approach him in a smart way something smooth talk but hitting the point.

2. after the serious talk, give him sometimes. Do your time limit, strike1, strike2...

3. If it works then you should be compromising person too.

4. If it isn't... sweetheart... with all the regrets, i'd like to suggest you to get yourself a real gentleman.

"THERE's a lot of fish in the ocean"

Answer 9

It is extremely important to the health and welfare of your family to avoid being any more sleep deprived than you are. Many misjudgments in problem solving of any nature happen when one is sleep deprived. Your babies need you to be your best. Myself, I would pay a close friend, relative or neighbor to watch the little ones while you catch some ZZZZZZZZZZZZ s. I realize that money is an issue when you are young and have little ones. But what better way to spend the Little bit you have than for the safety of your family??? There is also the possibility that if you take care of yourself & your babies this way, without another word to your boyfriend, he may be impressed that you handeld it yourself ( or embaressed ), & then step up to the Plate as a father, to help you. Good Luck

Answer 10

Had the same problem.....i had to make him leave. Hardest thing i ever did! We broke up for about a month. Still allow him to see the kids as he wishes. It made my Boyfriend understand how much he loved us. He helps out a lot more now. I know it sounds really harsh but sometimes you have to be to get ur point across. If you decide to brake up with him make it clear to your oldest that its not his fault. Make sure you do your part to allow him to be involved in the kids life. GOOD LUCK. Hope everything works out for you like it did for me.
BTW you aren't messed up he is! And it doesn't matter if they are his kids or not because when he got with u he knew u had kids so he choose to take on their care as well!!!!!