my husband and i have been married for 5 years hes a great guy we have 2 kids he works hard and takes care of us. but he seems just so not very sensitive to things everything is like i dont give a ****. he didnt have a great childhood, maybe that is it.? just like he has a wall up to his feelings. he is also very lazy and uninvolved when it comes to helping with kids and household chores is this normal? is there hope? maybe a way to approach him to get him to open up?
2006-11-06 15:58:44 · 17 answers · asked by entrknmom 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he also does not do drugs or even drink much maybe socially his dad was an alcoholic.
2006-11-06 16:03:45 · update #1
Tell him exactly what you have told us if u fear it will cause a fight ask him to go to marriage counseling it might help if he works outside the home im sure he is tired when he gets home just explain to him that you need help with the kids you didn't make them alone you shouldn't have to raise them alone
2006-11-06 16:01:58 · answer #1 · answered by Amy M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, you're husband has no right to blame his laziness on his childhood. (Excuse me for being so straight forward.) I think it's safe to say we all had rough times in our childhoods. For instance, my parents divorced when I was only five and both were remarried by the time I was thirteen.
Has he always been like this? If so, I don't think you should be expecting him to change. It is very rare a guy will change out of his "paterns". I think the most miraculous thing I've gotten my fiance to do is quit smoking. I don't know how serious this matter is but have you tried talking to him? If it's really become such a big issue maybe counseling would help. One thing you do have to remember though, is everyone isn't perfect. My fiance is the sweetest man ever and takes care of me, but is horrible with our financial matters. You have to take the good with that bad.
2006-11-07 00:03:54 · answer #2 · answered by Lhynne 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From all that you say, you are expecting too much from a person who is doing the best he can given his limitations.
In the business world, most people are overworked and underpaid.
He appears to be a manifestation of this syndrome.
A person who works hard and takes care of a family cannot also be lazy and "uninvolved".
Usually its' either one or the other.
Because jobs demand too much of people, it gives many working people little extra time to do the "family thing".
I would say be thankful he does does the important tasks of keeping a marriage going, and hope for better times ahead should he catch a break now and then.
You are expecting superman, when in reality, few can juggle jobs and be ideal home bodies.
2006-11-07 00:05:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to disagree with other commenters, but don't start off confronting him as lazy. Men aren't mind readers. We also don't always open up to TALK about our feelings; most of us prefer to show how we care about you through our actions.
You say he works hard, so it's likely he feels he's doing his part. It's common for guys to not notice things around the house or with the kids. You probably don't want to hear this, because you wish he was "sensitive" enough to know what needs to be done, but he might just be normally dense.
So, instead of confronting him and calling him lazy, ask him directly what to do and how you need help. Let him know what you do. He might not understand the mental strain of caring for the 2 kids and taking care of the house. Try to let him know about your day, but acknowledge what he's done, too.
For example, "honey, great job with the mowing. The yard looks great. I've been busy cleaning [child]'s room and haven't gotten to fold the laundry yet, would you mind doing that? Thanks." Or, "would you mind putting away the dishes while I go bathe our [son/daughter]."
Make your requests specific if you want help around the house.
And if he gives you attitude about helping once he's been asked what to do? Then you can be a bit more forceful. If the above tips don't work, you might consider some counseling to help with the communication.
If the tips do work, please consider rewarding him with some romance. I guarantee that helps us want to be more helpful!
2006-11-07 00:12:49 · answer #4 · answered by tex37curious 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know for the helping around the house and with the kids is hereditary and if his mother done everything for his father and he has seen that and thats what he wants... My husband use to be like that but just had to give him a choice...I didn not do housework for a week and then he got sick of the pig sty and started doing things.... for the other u need to talk more and not with anger but just ask questions here and there and get to know him all over..... maybe a weekend away not out of the city but a motel room and really get to know him again...Good Luck
2006-11-07 00:04:00 · answer #5 · answered by featherlover2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Isn't working hard and taking care of you "helping with the kids and household chores"?? Treat him with love, respect, admiration and appreciation. And read "The Proper Care & Feeing of Husbands" so you know how to get what you want /need from your man.
2006-11-07 00:02:42 · answer #6 · answered by Violet Pearl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i suggest you read the book "the five love languages" i divorced my husband after 10 years of being married unhappily, but steadily (no breakups) and this book helped me enough that we are now remarried. it's about learning how he gives love (he sounds like mine that gives love by working hard for his family and providing for y'all) because he gives love that way, he expects it back that way.. so now i work for him when i want to show him love. i'll cook his fav dinner, or go to the store for him just becuase he mentioned he's almost out of cigs at 2am. anyway, the book is the reason i'm still married, we celibrated our 11th aniversary before he left for iraq. i thank god all the time that i was led to that book. it's paperback and only about half an inch thick. didn't think something that small could change the way i thought about my marriage, my husband, and my life in general. good luck
2006-11-07 02:18:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well start by talking to him, without any distractions if possible. Ask him how he feels about things. Then you talk about how you feel about the whole situation between the both of you. Communication is very important in a relationship. share your feelings and allow him to do the same. See where this takes you both and good luck.
2006-11-07 00:06:12 · answer #8 · answered by angels 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently you do not hold a full time job. Maybe when he comes home from work and your lazy *** is on the couch instead of cooking his dinner, it frustrates him. He could be so tired from working to support your ho-ho habit that he does not have energy to play with the kids.
2006-11-07 00:06:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
um it is not a matter of him opening up, men have to learn to realize that they are not the center of the universe, tell him that his behavior is bothering and why it is bothering you, be real about stuff do not allow things that you do not like to happen very long, because he is going to think that you are accepting his behavior, Let him know girl, good luck
2006-11-07 00:02:02 · answer #10 · answered by heynow 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋