Honestly what would you do...?

Question

You're married almost 10 years, have 2 wonderful children, and your not in love with your husband like he loves you. What I mean by that is you've stopped trying, the discussions seem to make you nauseous, you don't want to work on anything anymore you just want it over and done. You think maybe counseling and you go on your own and your therapist says they can help you deal with issues but can't make you feel what isn't there. Your husband asks for you to try and work it out and you have, you've thrown yourself into to 300% planning to renew your vows and keep it strong all the while knowing this is not what you want anymore, do you stay? Or do you let them be loved by someone who wants to make it work and love them at all costs? Do I sound selfish please tell me, all answers welcomed harsh and not.

Thank you Cobra, I need all the prayer I can get. Blessings to you and yours.

Answer 1

You're only being selfish by staying in a marriage where the love is not being returned. You can continue to try to find the solution to this for the sake of your children, or you can do what you know will probably be the best solution and get a divorce. Though many will say otherwise, the first foundation of marriage will always be love. Without it, you're just roommates living and sharing the same bed together.

Answer 2

most of the time I try to tell everyone that every relationship has a chance, after reading this one I see no light at the end of the tunnel, you have made up your mind and i don't see anyone here getting you to stay in this relationship. it would only be pure hell on you, him and the kids too. leaving will be the same but time will heal all the pain, if the open door is the only way of making you totally happy with yours life then part on good terms for you both have kids together and will have to communicate from time to time. kids will respect the way you and dad communicate with each other when older and remember back onto this. two harts that have loved in the past sometimes do find how to love again so never burn the bridge you both have built. but trying to rebuild take two and seeing in your story it looks to me that the rebuilding was being completed only by one and that not being you, so that the reason you need to end it and let him find the right one for him for he does have a good hart even if you can't see it with your eyes that are being clouded with anger. try this on for size, leave for awhile without the kids, see how it feels and remember that this is what your going to be doing to him, it takes two and i only see one working here, so don't mess around with your family any more and end it and leave with the hart that has given it up prior to realy trying to rebuild anything, remember this: to renew your vows and keep it strong all the while knowing this is not what you want anymore. you sound like someone that needs to seek out help after you find a new place to sleep.

Answer 3

This is a tough one, because it literally pits the needs of your kids against your own. It could be argued that if you are not fulfilled, then how can you be a good role-model and guide to your children? On the other hand, how are you measuring your discontent? Is it across the board, or, are there certain but few areas in which you are particularly unfulfilled? I suspect a large part of your discontent may be in the relationship/chemistry/passionate love department.
I would suggest to you that unless there is an abusive aspect to the relationship with your husband, that you put your own needs aside and focus on the needs of your children. I suggest this for at least two reasons: One, they need both of you in their lives. The day to day sharing and growing. Imagine them in another house with your "ex" and his wife. Do you trust your husband to choose someone who will love your children as you do? Who would you choose to be a step-father for your kids? What turmoil will enter their lives should you decide to split up? Can you ensure that their lives would be better off? Two, perhaps this is just a lull in your relationship. If you are thinking long-term, what is a year or two or three of "a dry spell" in the over-all scheme of things. In this, you may have to have more faith than you believe possible that things could change for the better with you and your husband. It is a tough place you are in, and I empathize with you. Just make sure that whatever decision you make, it is done weighing all the factors, especially your children's interests. Best wishes~

Answer 4

Sometimes you just fall out of love. Or even sometimes you realize after time that you never really loved them. Consider the consequences before you act on them. What would be best for everyone? I've been married 12 years. And not all of them have been good. There have been plenty of time where I felt like I didn't love him. A lot of the time too, while you still love him, you don't have that euphoric feeling. You have kids, responsibility, and life happens. Before making this decision, I would try to just ride it out. Change your routines, schedule some time with your husband, without the kids. give it a shot before throwing it in. And rather than being so focused on 'making it work', just focus on enjoying each other for the moment.

Answer 5

There are several good answers here but I tend to refer to what jaimestar wrote because I lived this life for 6 years only it was me that never stopped loving my wife.{ Boy she hit my wifes life on the head too!} We do get in a rut in life and we have to remember that life as well as marriage has its ups and downs but we also have to remember that we will always have each other to lean on in the down times. I say that something made you fall in love with him to start with and you should try to reconnect with that at whatever cost. I still deal with the depression and confusion of the kids since they live with me and I see first hand what they are dealing with. On the other hand, I feel like once you have made your mind up, if you have, there is no way to change it. I tried that too. Just be sure before you make ANY decisions. Try some time apart, truly apart, without dating anyone and see what happens. Down time is the phrase used best. Good luck and best wishes!

Answer 6

Ten years is a long time and sometimes marriages just fall into a rut. Things just seem to be but not good or bad. In my opinion you should try to stick it out. Try to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place. Go to the places you first met and dated even if they are silly. Sometimes you need silly. You may have grown apart. But you can bring it back together. Sometimes when we make someone else smile it makes us happy. Make your husband smile. It might do you some good. Good Luck

Answer 7

If your heart doesn't feel anything now then you have to ask yourself if it ever did. If so, then what eroded the feelings to nothing? If not, then the feelings will not come. At the end of the day, you must obey your heart to feel good about yourself, even if that means life is going to get bumpy. It sounds to me like your heart wants out of the relationship right now, and I don't think that the way a heart feels would be termed, "selfish."

Answer 8

With all due respect... you do sound a little selfish. Not because you want happiness, but because I didn't hear you mention any possible consequences on your children. It is very important that they have a two parent home. If your husband is not abusive to you or the children, I believe you must make it work for their sake. Something to think about.

Answer 9

What would I do? If my wife wasn't obnoxious, if we didn't fight, I would man up and stay with her and raise the kids in a stable household. My first priority would be what is best for my children.

I've been single all my life and one thing I've found is that true love is a very rare thing. I think lots of people never really have a big true love, just a series of short term infatuations. It's not something to dump your family for and go out seeking because chances are you will never find it.

Answer 10

aw, thats so sad, i can tell that your not a self centered person, you have to remember, its your life and you deserve to be happy, maybe a separation would be a good suggestion right now, i dont think you should stay with someone you dont wanna be with because of your kids. I dont know if thats what your doing or not, but you deserve to be happy, and trust me, kids know when the parents arent happy, they will get over it. I feel sorry for you right now, ive been there and had to do that too. Christmas is right around the corner, try and wait until thats over with before you make any changes, thats just for your kids sake. Sucks doesnt it, but it will all work out. Ask God to guide you, and he will.