I have been with him for 5 years and desperate for kids, love him loads he has 3 grown up kids, we get on great, he has had a vasectomy, help cos I dont want to force him, but not sure I can live without, am I selfish?
2006-11-06 12:03:50 · 18 answers · asked by tricia l 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
how many 50 somethings do you see at the school gates??
he has done the bringing up kids bit and is now prob just looking forward to a easy life now the responsibility of bringing up kids has gone
you really need to talk to him about this and not ask on here yes you'll get a lot of advise but no answers, you'll only get them from talking to your partner,
for the record im 38 and would never have another child too old but that's just my personal view and not worth toffee
2006-11-07 01:13:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all your are not bieng selfish, people cannot help the way they feel, and noone can understand fully what you feel.
I am presumming you talked about this early in the relationship, if not its something you should off.
You cannot force him into something he doesnt want, that isnt fair on him, he cannot help the way he feels either. Even if he did have a reversal there no way of knowing if he is going to accept the child, which if that happens is the worse thing you could inflict on a child.
I would advice you to sit down with him, and have a serious talk about your feelings, you never know he may want a child with you and regret having the vasectomy, but he may be adamant that he doesnt want another child. If this is the case then you need to make a choice about moving on, if you want a child that much, then you need to leave and start again.
A vastectomy reversal does not always work either, so the choice may be out of both your hands now anyway.
2006-11-06 21:34:21 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Contrary to some opinions it is certain that your daughter will always want to connect with her father. Please tell the little girl that it's not her fault. Repeat that over and over so that she gets it and doesn't blame herself which she will do at the drop of a hat. Don't honey coat it and say he's busy. Something along the lines of he just not able to be a good father now may be best. You can try to blunt the hurt by reminding her that he may not come when he promises to be there. You NEED to vent and may need some help in the form of counseling or therapy. A good, happy, stable mother is the best you can do for her at the moment. He doesn't get it because he probably didn't get proper parenting as a child. (Not that it matter too much WHY he's such a nincompoop. It might keep him from seeing the child if he gets verbally beaten up by you when he shows up. I'm not saying you do that but, if you do, that will perhaps keep him away to.
2016-05-22 05:36:20 · answer #3 · answered by Christine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow... honey, if he doesn't want more kids and has a vastectomy there isn't much you can do about it. You now have to decide if babies are more important than a relationship with this man. Try to put yourself 20-25 years down the road... and imagine life without this guy... will you regret not having kids? How old are you? Are you the same age as he? If kids are REALLY important to you, you are going to have to let him know. Even if he was up front with you at the beginning about not wanting any more kids... tell him how important that it is to you. And if he absolutely refuses, then you have a very tough choice to make. Cuz you are NOT going to force his hand... there's no "forgetting" the birth control... he's taken care of that... sounds like a man who knows what he wants or doesn't want. It is now in your hands to decide what YOU want for the future.
2006-11-06 12:12:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There's a reason he got a vasectomy: He didn't want any more kids. I was in your same situation; my husband wanted to marry me, but did not want any more children. He was 46 at the time. It was a deal breaker going in, and I knew that. He was more important to me than children and I've never regretted the decision.
You knew from day one that he didn't want kids. Five years is not going to change his mind, and it's not fair for this to be an issue for him now. You can't force him to have a reversal; he has invested five years with you too, so it's not like it's going to be easy for him either.
Figure out which is more important to you: the man or kids. You can only make your decision based on that. Something is going to have to give with either decision, but this decision was inevitable.
2006-11-06 12:14:40 · answer #5 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're not being selfish at all. You either have to accept him or move on. You can't force anyone to do anything and an ultimatum makes someone more resentful if they give in. If he's 37 with grown kids and he doesn't want any, that's exactly what he means. You've been together five years and I'm sure you knew that already. All in all don't sacrifice your dreams and happiness for anyone. He's definitely not.
2006-11-06 12:09:20 · answer #6 · answered by indepwman 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No. You shouldn't have dated him in the first place. It is wrong to force him. He had a vasectomy, obviously he doesn't want anymore kids.
If you want kids you should be with someone who wants them too. It's that simple. Why would you get involved with someone who isn't? It's too bad you wasted those 5 years, especially since your biological clock is ticking.
This whole situation is your fault for not being honest with yourself and choosing a man who does not want the same thing you do. I feel sorry for your boyfriend.
2006-11-06 12:11:22 · answer #7 · answered by funandsun20 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No your not being selfish but you should of talked about having children before you got married. He had a vasectomy which could be reversed it he really wanted it to be. No guarantees though that if that was done he can have children. You married this man knowing he had a vasectomy then why did you marry him?
2006-11-06 16:14:36 · answer #8 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My son is nearly 37, and he is dying to find someone to have kids with that will make a good mother, and wife. He has had 2 failures already, and now he is afraid that he will never find anyone. I have told him not to give up, because 37 is not too old for kids.
I wish you and your husband would have discussed this before you tied the knot. No you are not selfish, but maybe counseling will help you two out,.
2006-11-06 12:09:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can understand the yearning for children. It's a natural human response. We were put on here for that purpose. He has kids and doesn't want any more. Did he have the vasectomy before you were together? You can try and talk to him about it. See how he feels. He may be willing to do something about it however most men who make that choice don't go back on it. They did it for a reason. Although if he did it before he even met you and figured he would never have anymore who knows. Once you tell him your desire you have children he may jump on bored. You have to decide whats more important to you. Are you will to stay in this relationship knowing you may never have kids? Are is your desire to want kids outweigh it?
2006-11-06 12:13:47 · answer #10 · answered by Lis 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋