Is this mental abuse?

Question

I work part time and my husband makes a lot of money. I just found out that he hides most of the money he makes and he never gives me an extra for myself. When I buy groceries I have to use any left over money for myself. When it comes time to pay bills he makes me wait until the day before a bill is due to pay the bill, and sometimes I feel like I have to beg him to pay the bills. I never get any kind of gifts for xmas or birthday unless I ask for them. I just want to know if I am overeacting?

Answer 1

There are so many questions that need to be answered before giving proper advice...such as -

1. Does your husband have issues with money that stem from his upbringing? (If he is in his 50s, 60s + he may have been raised to conserve, conserve, conserve! If he is younger, it may be that he was raised in a family environment that was stingy with money either because of necessity or issues his own parents had from THEIR upbringing...)
2. Is your husband generally not a gift-giver? Is he an affectionate man? Or is it just during holidays and other special events that he doesn't give a gift?
3. Was he like this before you married? Or has there been some economic situation during your marriage that leads him to be overly-conservative? As opposed to mentally abusive... Has he ever experienced a job loss? Have you lied about money to him - whether you think he knew or not?
4. Do you think/feel that your husband loves you? Do you love him?

I'm not, by ANY stretch of the imagination, trying to put this on you. My first instinct is, in fact, to say your husband is a control freak who is manipulating your behaviour by controlling household funds and limiting your spending. But to give him the benefit of the doubt and you maybe some more things to consider, I ask my own questions. Most advice you're going to get online will be subjective...all about the person giving it and their own experience. I'm just trying to throw some objective advice your way. I hope it helps...

Wish you the best in trying to figure this out and work on your marriage.

Answer 2

you're not over reacating. Here's a tip- get a new hjob but don't tell him how much you will make. Tell him you're making $2-$4 less than what you really are getting- shredd your stubs so he will never know. Don't tell him how much money you have. Don't bug him about payiing the bills- don't even remind him. If they are under your name then yes -b ut if they are under his name don't even tell him. I'm sure he's old enoughto know resposibility. He's being an a s ss to you and a prick. He seems like he controls you really well. F uck him! don't let him do this to you. He should provide for all your needs and desires. IF he's not- be a b it ch to him. Usually when guys are like this is because they aer speding their money on someone else. DOn't be a fool- take his money. Tell him that you need $130 for groceries and only spend $70. Don't even show him the reciept. Save your money kuz he seems like he's savings his money from you. I did this with my husband and i have a big savings under my moms' that he doesn't know about. You need to cover yourself for xmas or whatever. Don't be an idiot and let him control you! be the smart one and save your money too! he's a bastard for doing this to you. You deserve the lvoe and respect he HAS TO GIVE YOU! take care gurl and good luck. Do what i'm telling you and you'll see- it will work out better. IT's sad he's doing this to you and that you have to find other alternatives but hey- that's how it is. He's a di ck to you you be a b it ch to him!!! all my power to women!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

This is actually financial abuse. I was in a similar situation for many years, and he made me feel unworthy of the smallest things. Yet whatever he wanted he bought.
This can ruin a relationship & cause as much damage as physical or mental abuse. Anytime one person holds some sort of control over another, or withholds things from them, it's a recipe for trouble.
Talking it out shoud be the first step, if this fails counseling might work. I tried everything. By the time he finally realized that he was destroying our marriage I was so wounded that I gave up trying. It's not about money or "things" it's about feeling worthy and equal.
Hold your head high & stand up for yourself. Hopefully your spouse will get the clue before things get too far out of hand.
Good Luck

Answer 4

Hey, you sound like your in my situation......however, my hubby and I are currently seperated. He and I have had the exact same problems. I too work part time and he full time, and I have had to leave notes for him on the same morning the bill is due just to get the money and then I am running around crazy at the last minute trying to get the bills paid..........I think that my hubby thinks that he works harder so that somehow makes him superior! I wish you luck.....

Answer 5

If he is using money to control you /"keep you in your place" -- I don't know that it is "mental abuse', but it certainly isn't kind and loving.

I would definitely let him know that this particular miserly streak of his makes you feel bad in a way that keeps you from loving him as much as you want to. Let him know that you're not asking for ALL of his money, but that you would like to have a few extras without having to ask him all the time. Also, it is important for him to know that you will do your best to bless both of your lives if he can work with you on having more financial trust in the relationship. Good luck with a tough issue.

Answer 6

I would not say this is mental abuse but it certainly is some kind of abuse. He is selfish with his money and if he is hiding his money then maybe he is hiding something else refuse to pay the bills and things will get shut off and then maybe that will wake him up

Answer 7

I wouldnt call that mental abuse but he is a stingy tightwad. Hey, dont worry about the bills. If he doesnt pay them then he wont get dinner because no electric or water. Let him do all the worrying since he wants to have all the control

Answer 8

Sounds like he is very tight w money- and where does he hide it?? I don't like waiting til the last minute to pay bills- I like Crown Ministries financial advice= it allows for the basics, entertainment and more in the budget-they online and on the radio- sounds like there are underlying issues w him-counseling may help- D

Answer 9

No, i dont think your overreacting at all. Being a husband and wife joins not just love and security, but money as well. It should be a joint effort. Its not just about giving in the relationship, but in the financial sector as well. If he isnt willing to put his part in then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.

If he makes you feel guilty about it, dont hold on to him. He has to learn financial responsibilities just like how u have done.

Good luck

Answer 10

This is abuse and I can't think of anyone who would want to live like that considering that we were all born free, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. From what I have read here, your husband has issues that are ugly, and he will need help to expose them for what they are, namely trashy thoughts, control issues, etc. It sounds to me as if he has never felt true love in his heart, or he could never act this way. I think in his inner being (not a conscious thought) he is unhappy, and he is, on a unconscious level, trying to let you know that it is OK if you want to end the marriage, but he, on a conscious level, is unaware of his plan. He is in denial and has suppressed his real feelings. I have seen this before.