Two mistakes - his lies and my snooping...do I tell him what I did, or suck it up b/c I shouldn't have looked?

Question

My husband is a young HS teacher. Found out that he was talking to one of his students online. This really upset me because of an incident I had in HS. That teacher went to jail and had to start his whole life over. I am still scarred by that. I told my husband that AIM is crossing the line-I know these things because I was there. One statement taken the wrong way, and you can get in a LOT of trouble. I was really shaken up about it,so he said he would tell the student that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing things on AIM.

Since then, it seems like he quickly closes a window when I go into his office. Today he asked me to send something through his email program,and when I did,I saw a lot of msgs between him and the student. One of them started with "Oops, sorry I lost you on AIM-got distracted." Yeah right-I probably walked in and he closed the box in panic. I didn't see anything romantically inclined, but emotional, like "It's nice we have each other to listen to." HELP

I'm afraid if I tell him that I looked, he will never trust me again. But how can I trust him after not following through on his promise? He should have known how sensitive I am about this because of my past experiences...he DID know because I specifically told him so. :(

Thanks for everyone's great advice so far. I'm just very nervous about confronting him but I know that I must. Any tips on how to mention it? "So I was looking in your email today..." doesn't seem like a good way to start a conversation.

With me, it's a long story, but basically emails turned into IMs and IMs turned into real life. I was young and vulnurable and looked up to him.

What I found today was that she considers him a confidant for very personal and serious problems, and that's fine. They can talk all they want. What's not fine with me is the IMing, his casual tone of voice, and the fact that it seems that he has been considering her a confidant of sorts by telling her the ups and downs of his life as well. I'm just incredibly confused right now.

Answer 1

I'm sorry but that just sounds very inappropriate in my opinion. I agree that anything he says can be taken out of context but more importantly, why is he chatting with a student on AIM in the first place? Is it school related? If not then u have every right to be upset as it's very inappropriate and unethical...not to mention wrong.

Answer 2

I don't see any reason why you must confront him.
Your question originally asked whether you should or not, and whos fault it is, and in my opinion you should not tell him , and in a way, yeah you should suck it up.

But you came back saying "i know I must tell him".. I know this isn't what you want to hear, especially since others are telling you the opposite but these are my thoughts all the same...

Your husband isn't actually doing anything wrong.
As far as I know teachers aren't prohibited from talking online or seeing students out of school time. I know where you're coming from though, and I know how conversations can at times get (or seem) flirty between people who are not interested in one another, or some remark which is innocent and playful in real life looks questionable when it is preserved and there to read on paper..

BUT I don't see how it's even REMOTELY possible for someone to go to jail for that. You didn't explain what happened with you in HS. The only thing I can think of would be that the student can accuse the teacher of something and the online convos will somehow back it up?

Anyway, yes when he closes the window it's likely he is still talking to them and just hiding it from you.
HOWEVER, you and your husband are different people with different views on things, and views are coloured by things you've each experienced in life, they could make your ideas on things a bit irrational or whatever.

I don't think you have any right to force your views on him because of what happened to you. However bad it might have been.. first of all this is a completely different situation, no matter how many details are the same.

If something should happen then your husband would have to deal with the consequences of his actions (or inactions).
I know you don't want that obviously but in life we can only be responsible for ourselves.

Your husband is not really doing anything bad here imo. He is not decieving you, he's hiding this information to protect you and save your feelings. Like you said you are sensitive to it.
It's not like you suspected/accused him of cheating or having innapropriate converstations, in which case it would be very wrong for him to have continued.

There are many cases in which it's better for someone to lie to someone just to keep them happy rather than to do stop doing something which is not a big deal to them personally.
What you don't know won't hurt you is true, and I just have to say that you brought it on yourself.

I don't mean that in a mean way, it sounds harsh lol. Hopefully you get my point.
Also, if he was asked to stop before and didn't stop it doesn't look like telling him about your snooping is going to do any good.
He will continue to do it, but probably get better/be more careful hiding it, and other things actually. He will be offended or lose trust or whatever because he knows you don't trust HIM or that you were snooping.

I don't mean to be nosy but maybe you should put what your HS thing was so we can understand where you're coming from, if you're being really paranoid or whatever. Or how likely it is to happen again. I must say i'm really confused.
I'm sure you've hid things or bent the truth or even outright lied before because you thought it would save someones feelings?

I'm not sure what the quote was all about since it's out of context but do they have anything in common that would give them a special bond or something specific they talk about? Are you sure you meant listen and not talk? It's nice we have eachother to listen to doesn't sound emotional to me.

Answer 3

A teacher is supposed to be a mentor to his/her students. It is because of this that I should not see a problem with a teacher conversing with a student outside of school That having been said, we live in a time when we have seen many inappropriate student-teacher relationships. I would confront him, and advise him that his relationship could be misconstrued. I would not accuse him of having a sexual relationship with this girl, but I would still help him understand that this could go down a bad path. You have an explanation for seeing the AIM; he asked you to get on his computer. You are innocent. I hope he is as well. Do not let this go. Talk to him ASAP.

Answer 4

I'm kinda in the situation, however my husband is not a teacher, but the girl was in th 11th grade. They wasn't IMing the were talking on the cell phone. I'm a leo, so I'm very bold. I found out where she lived and her mom number. I called her mom told her everything I knew. So had he been involved with this child it would have been exposed. I didn't care if he got mad, or if he didn't trust me, because i wasn't trusting him. So I would let him know that you saw the IM, and ask him y is she worth lying to u about. Then pull the student to the side let her know if it don't stop, you're going to speak with her parents let your husband knew as well. If he get all upset about it, then u know something not right. It's not a good way to live snooping around, but its worth it.
Good luck

Answer 5

O.k the issue here is not if he is going to trust you again, but the fact that he has diminshed that trust with you, his wife, is the worst thing he could have done. Plus this is a VERY SERIOUS situation here. So my reply is YES you should confront him and hear what he has to say about it. And don't worry about snooping, just imagine what would happend if you never took the time to find this information out. Please do something about it! This is too serious of a problem to just look the other way! Best of Luck!

Answer 6

Is this the only student he talks to on chat? It seems to me that this is going a bit overboard and not related to studies at all. Don't feel guilty. You have every right to set him straight as he can easily get in trouble should anyone misconstrue what he is doing. You are doing the right thing.

Answer 7

No matter how wrong you think you are for snooping, what is done in the dark definitely comes to the light. I think it is best you shined the light instead of the police. You should be his best friend there should be nothing he hides from you especially speaking to an under age student outside of school business. stop this now before it destroys your family.

Answer 8

this may be your husband which makes this terribly difficult but PLEASE do something because this is wrong! if he can't discuss it with you something is terribly wrong and as a parent I would be mortified even by innocent conversation through instant messaging with a teacher -- it is wholey inappropriate

if you want to really know if something is wrong which you should for the sake of a child possibly being damaged emotionally/physically place instant message spyware on your computer -- your husband is potentially a threat to someones child and do you want to live with that knowledge

there is no reason whatsoever for a teacher to be holding a conversation via instant message with a student NONE

Answer 9

I would confront him about it. Even getting emotionally involved with another person is wrong and cheating. Plus, its setting a horrible example for this girl. A teacher should NOT be a confidant, unless the child is in a situation of abuse and comes for help. There should be no "It's nice we have each other to listen to" YOU should be that person for your husband, or a guy friend of his. The girl needs to share things with her friends and family. Its completely inappropraite. If it was your DAUGHTER who was having this kind of relationship with a teacher, even if it wasnt sexual, wouldnt you be concerned?

Answer 10

I just don't get it... you're the wife you have the right to know if your husbank is doing something.... why are you feeling guilty? your husband is playing with fire.