When my husband and I got together, I knew that he looked at porn, and that is a big issue with me, so he stopped. I had issues with trusting him for two years before I finally trusted him completely. We recently got married, and I caught him looking at it again. I feel really betrayed, because I felt so sure that I could trust him. He says he's going to stop. But he said that once before, so I just don't know if I can trust him again or not.
2006-11-06 09:13:42 · 29 answers · asked by hope_a_long52886 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i think that there is nothing wrong with expecting him to stop. i suffer with the same problem. and it IS a trust issue. especially when they say they will stop. i find my husband to be more aggressive in bed since the start of it. it does effect me. though i may not have an answer for you, i would like to give you some peace of mind that you are not alone. and i do not think you deserve to feel the way you do. marriage should be based on respect! there isn't an excuse for it. its dirty and i do not think that you are over-reacting. so don't pay any attention to the negative feed-back telling you that you are and that you should just accept that your marriage isn't everything that you want it to be. it can be but you BOTH have to be willing to work at it. maybe talk to him about why he feels he needs to do it. and meet him half way. i hope that helps you!! be positive. you are deserving of so much!
2006-11-07 01:24:20 · answer #1 · answered by pins11 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know u dont want to hear this but it is kinda healthy for a man to express himself. now a days ur lucky if ur man isn't having sex on cam on the internet or cheating. porn could be a tool to start session with eachother and can be enjoyed by both of u. if u want to try watching it with him. everyone has there lil fantasies and i like that my man will watch it on tv then go out an act it out. Then again he did make a promise to u and he did break it. he isn't neccissarily cheating if u want u can tell him as long as u dont see it then he can keep it and u dont know about it he can have his fun. then again if it is something that truly bothers u and he loves u he can learn to do without.u might want to explain to him what it is again that u dont like about the porn that disgusts u and how it makes u feel to be betrayed. let him know ur feeling were hurt and the trust has been misplaced. being a man he might think ur over acting that is why it is best to explain why u feel this way and why u have the issues with it.i know u have but all men need reminders. if it was easy to do the right thing hun there would be no need for forgiveness. just take a sigh and realize he was jsut watching and not acting it out (i wasn't that lucky). u will be able to get over this...u said u recently maried so there is some good in this man that there is worth working through and trusting again. good luck
2006-11-06 09:24:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What exactly is your problem with porn? I mean, we're not talking kiddie porn or something he could get in trouble for having on his computer, right? Not to trivialize the issue you may have, but it really does seem to me after being married and knowing people who are and reading answers here that the porn he looks at has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Men are just for some reason very hung up on looking at that, in spite of what they may have at home.
I know this is a hot button for you, but there are so many other issues of trust that you could have like infidelity for example that are not going on. Other than your opposition to it, your marriage is good? Work from there.
2006-11-06 13:59:09 · answer #3 · answered by Chris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Accept it. I don't think I know a single guy who doesn't look at porn. Probably about 50% of women that I can get an honest answer out of do too, at least once in a while. If it is consuming every waking hour or keeping him from paying any attention to you, yeah, it's a problem. But it is digital imagery - visual turn ons. So many women just don't understand or care about it, but that doesn't mean that men don't love it. He won't stop, not permanently, he might just get better at hiding it from you. Either join him in it (might take you a while to get him to relax because he is so afraid that you will denounce anything he likes) or just put up with it - like watching football or something. I hid this from my wife for years, although she always knew, but now that it is not hidden it is much less stressful for both of us and EVERY time we look at it together we are humping within 20 min.
2006-11-06 09:32:49 · answer #4 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Few things to think about. 1. Porn is very addictive. This may not be a trust issue as much as an addiction. Talk to him about it. 2. Ask him why he is looking at porn. Find out what he is getting from the porn that he isn't getting from you. Again, this means talking to him.
Talking to him is the main issue here. To throw away a marriage over porn is silly. To not talk to him about it is even worse.
2006-11-06 09:21:20 · answer #5 · answered by andreo3375 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why is it such a big issue? Its like watching any other TV program. he's not cheating on you and he's not going anywhere else to watch it. Let him be and he'll soon grow out of it. He's a man and if u just let him be and dont make a big fuss of it, then it wouldnt matter if he's watching porn. I'm sure that "not watching porn" was not what attracted you to him.
Why do women have such a BIG hassle about porn. WHAT's the big deal?
2006-11-06 09:19:04 · answer #6 · answered by sensa 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, unless the porn is hurtful porn (like child pornography), than it is normal.
Almost everyone has sexual fantasies. Men fantasize through porn. Women are very imaginative (hence romance novels), men are very visual. Hence, porn, dancers, etc. are how we see our fantasies. Not that we act on them, just how we express them.
Biologically men are programmed to be able to have sex and reproduce at least once every 24 hours. This insured the survival of our species for the past 7 million years. But how often do you two have sex? He probably uses porn and "takes matter into his own hand" when you two are not having sex. That is normal. Porn is just the visual image he uses to get there.
As long as his porn habit is not harming you, your kids, or anyone else, than it is not really a problem for anyone except you. If this is the case than you have to ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Express this to him and work on it together. But understand that he is his own person and you can't tell him what to do, you can only express your feelings to him about it.
Added:
Hey, Valerie, that is probably exactly what he wishes for. ;-)
2006-11-06 09:33:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
I would think he should have been open to you about it and told you how it is. But he could be doing someting worse, nobody is perfect and all have to accept each others bad flaws. In order to have a sex life though, you might want to be a little open minded and maybe do some experienting yourself to get a better idea of why he is doing that. Men are ...well simply men...2 brains and only 1 can be in charge.
2006-11-06 09:47:02 · answer #8 · answered by spekoli 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Porn can be as addictive as drugs. I know someone who is addicted to porn and he struggles everyday with it. He is trustworthy and would never cheat on his wife, but he has a hard time staying away from it. Here's what they did. He first had to admit that it had a hold on him and they both agreed that his wife had a right to tell him not to watch it on TV and when they go to the movie rental place, she has a right to tell him he can't go in the room with the XXX movies. He gets mad about it but he knows that his wife is doing it for his own good. Also, there are no porn mags in there house. If he has a hard time doing these things , in order to save your marriage, he should see a therapist. He shouldn't be embarrassed, they have heard it all. If you take my advice, I hope it works out for you. It sounds like you love him alot.
2006-11-06 09:24:52 · answer #9 · answered by leigh 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Virtually every guy watches porn. It's a fact of life. Some watch it a lot, others not so much.
I can understand if you're not comfortable with it, but I think you should learn to deal with it.
In my opinion there are two potential problems:
(1) If he watches lots of porn, but never has sex with you, then there may be issues with your relationship
(2) If he watches really messed up stuff (kiddie porn, sexual violence etc) then that is a cause for concern.
However, if you're sex life is still okay, and what he watches consists of 'normal' sexual activities, then I think you should just try to accept it. Guys will be guys.
2006-11-06 09:52:43 · answer #10 · answered by Laurelin 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋