Marriage and commitment?

Question

Perhaps i didn't phrase my last question well. I am in a relationship and am very committed. We have not made any plans about marriage but that doesn't mean won't. We are however planning on having a child. I find it funny that so many people on this site think that is awful because we are unmarried. Marriage doesn't garuantee a commitment to you or your child. Yet so many people insist that it is the best type of relationship? why is that? If i plan on raising my baby with this man, and he plans on being a devoted father a piece of paper won't change that. Yet I have recieved many responses on this site siting that marriage is better. Why is marriage better? can that really be proven. It doesn't guarantee security for the wife or child. My parents married, then they divorced. My father didn't pay child support and more importantly he didn't care to see me when he lived but five minutes away. So tell me what matters more a slip of paper or a commitment that is heartfelt and geniune?

Answer 1

Your commitment to each other and your future child is all you need. I don't believe that piece of paper makes you love each other or commit to each other anymore than you do now. Don't listen to what everyone else is saying, listen to your heart. And good luck with whatever decision you make. Children are a blessing!!!! Married or not!!!!!

Answer 2

This is a fair question. Here is my personal answer. If you can't commit to sharing a lifetime together (or at least 22 years...the length of time it takes to have the child and educate it), you shouldn't have a child together. It's always better for a child to have two loving parents in the home, if possible. That "slip of paper" makes a HUGE difference. It means you can't just walk out the door on a whim. It means that if you lay dying in the hospital, your spouse can make decisions for you like whether to pull the plug or not. (Otherwise, they'll not even let your significant other into the room; the next of kin will be called ...parents, grandparents, counsins, aunt, uncle...you get the picture...if you aren't legally married, your significant other is NOT next of kin!) You cannot inherit from your live-in friend. Even if he puts it in a will, his true heirs can contest it. If you are married, it automatically goes to the spouse unless a will states otherwise. My feeling is that if you love each other you will make a legal commitment to each other. Otherwise, what you are saying is: I love you now, but maybe not too long, so I'll keep my options open. I'd never bring a child into that kind of environment.

Answer 3

Marriage definitely has some practical benefits (tax breaks, health insurance benefits, etc), but this is most likely not what people mean when they feel that marriage is "better". I think, the underlying emotion here is the desire to conform to certain social norms. If you look around, you will notice that "being different" stands out. Now, different things stand out in different times; sixty years ago, an African American sitting at the front of the bus stood out like a sore thumb; did it make ANY sense that black people had to ride on the back of the bus? No! But that was the prevailing social norm at the time, and not conforming to it caused problems. Legal marriage is a deeply embedded social norm - nothing more, nothing less. Don't expect rational answers as to why legal marriage is "better"; it just is, because it's THE norm. There really isn't an objective answer to this - no way is any "better" than any other way, in an objective sense - but everyone identifies what is it that's important to them, and then acts accordingly. There is a price for not conforming, and enduing the endless question of "why aren't you married" might just be the price you will be paying for choosing to be different.

Answer 4

Uh, ok and just having a baby without being married also doesn't guarantee this man sticking around to help you raise the child. The thing that matters when you have a child regardless of being married or not is whether your child is loved and cared for. Concentrate on this and not what people think.

Answer 5

If I have to do all the things that are required of wife, then I'm going to be married - not just living together being his woman or old lady(I hear that used a lot)....

A marriage provides more benefits for women and their children. Women who have children (while not married) face more social stigma than women who are divorced with kids.... The number of women(unmarried) that have kids by their boyfriends face more domestic violence and increase their chances of being on welfare.
I have worked in health care for over 10 years and I have seen and heard lots of stories and have been in homes where the women face the issues (I listed prior)

Answer 6

You can do whatever you want, but everytime you say you've got kids and no wedding ring and no marriage, people are going to look at you like your WT.

There's nothing wrong with getting married. There IS something wrong if you claim to have commitment, but refuse to get married. If this man is so wonderful, he should want to marry you and commitment to you as fully as he can.

I tink you're upset because you know you're not going to marry him - he doesn't want to for various reasons, he hasn't even bought you an engagement ring - and you know in your heart that something's not right about that. So the best thing you can do is try to accept it and make it look like the better deal - that's why you're putting down marriage because you're secretly jealous of everyone else who is married, and you keep reasking the question because you're hoping that more people will be on your side.

If you really care what people think in here, that's your first problem. What we write are just simple opinions - if you don't like them, then don't ask the question.

Furthermore, if you've been with a guy for 6 months and haven't gotten an engagement ring, it means you're not truly the one for him - that he doesn't so. Guys react right away when you are the one.

My husband asked me to go ring shopping after 1 month of dating. I was 25 and he was 33 at the time. He proposed 3 months later. We saved up our money for a dream wedding and we've been together 3 years now, married 1 year.

It doesn't make sense not to get married, not to take that next step. It's a definite sign that you aren't fully committed to each other.

You're 22 and your boyfriend is 25? Time to grow up little one.

Answer 7

well i answered your other question, and read the other responses too... i am not sure what was left unanswered or why you think that none of us are "getting you".... maybe you should just do what you feel is right and not worry about everyone else view on the issue.

bottom line is that some people believe that marriage is right.

others believe that marriage is unnecesary.

just do what you want.

you know you have good points that can't be argued with--such as your father-- so what do you want those of us who believe in marriage to say?

clearly your fathers actions have had a strong effect on you and your views- why wouldn't they? but the answers to the question you are asking are all subjective, so really........

Answer 8

I agree with Seti. There is no one way to do this. There will be a lot of people that will not agree with your decision, but don't ask people's opinion, because when you do you are kind of asking for their approval.

Think about this, how many people who say they are married are actually married on paper? People can tell you anything about their marital status, the actuality might be completely different.

I say that to say, keep your business to yourself. Allow people to draw whatever conclusion they wish and live your life.

Answer 9

A commitment that is heartfelt and genuine accompanied by a slip of paper is the best option. If one of you were to heaven forbid suddenly die, the deceased persons family would be entitled to the estate. Even if the 2 of you bought a house together, they could force you to sell and give them half of the proceeds. I don't know what your beef is with marriage...If you are so against it, why do you keep posting in this section....Why do you want our opinions?

Answer 10

I'm confused on why you are so deadset against NOT marrying this guy. Marriage shows commitment. No one wants to go through the trouble and pain of a divorce, so they marry to indicate to their partner that they are serious about being with them for life.

If this is all based on your parents getting divorced, all I can say is that marriage is ultimately a gamble. Sometimes it pays off (long loving marriage), sometimes not (divorce). But, if you are truly serious about being with someone for life, you should have enough confidence in your relationship to marry them. Especially if you are serious about having a kid with them (more serious than getting married).