How do you deal with your roomate when you realize the two of you won't be good friends?

Question

I am stressed. My roommate and I come from terribly different backgrounds yet I'm really trying. The thing is, she does things that make me feel awkward and she is totally oblivious to it. She doesn't invite me places with her, she leaves me when I do tag along and everyone in my dorm hall thinks that I'm the one who is not giving her the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, I do rationalize it but, which I know is my fault, I expect a lot from her. I expect her to know that when we go to a party together and she can't find me that it's nice to call. I expect her not to bring guys home to our room before checking with me. I expect her not to allow her friends to open our door and open beer bottles in the door lock. I expect her to have common sense. So when she does these things, I just stop talking to her. After a while, I calm down and then discuss it.

Last night, she brought a guy home. I woke up to the sight of the two of them naked and their clothes on the floor.

So I am pissed off and really need some angry space. She won't leave me alone to my anger. I might end up saying some things I am sure I'll have to apologize for so I need alone time Instead, she is forcing her guilty conscience on me. She keeps apologizing and has resulted to flipping the script. She says "I know that was probably uncomfortable and I'm sorry, but you're still mad at me. So I don't know what your problem is."

My problem is that she always messes up and things always work out immediately. I feel really disrespected. We are college students and we live in just one big room so there is no privacy. It was more than uncomfortable, it was degrading. Everyone on her hall is rationalizing away what she did. Except, I will always remember his and her drawers on the floor. I know we need to talk but I need some space. After this, I know we won't be friends, (trust and respect is far gone) so how do we continue to be good roommates?

Answer 1

You don't have to be good friends to be roomates. Since the friendship is not working out, plan on going your own way. Don't expect her to invite you to places and don't tag along. Find your own friends and spend time with them. When you need to be alone, leave the room. Take a walk outside, or go to another friend's room for a while.

In order to make things more tollerable, sit down with her and discuss some ground rules. You will have to compromise on some things. Maybe no naked guys in the room would be a good rule. I'm sure there are rules for the dorm about guys and girls mixing. Review those rules with her. Try writing out a contract that both of you will sign.

Above all else, realize that you are roomates and that doesn't mean you have to be best friends. When I was in college, I didn't socialize with my roomates at all outside of the room. I do have to admit that they were much more respectful than your roomate is so life was a lot easier.

Answer 2

You don't have to be friends with your roommate; you can be politely strangers to each other. But you do have to work out a system of sharing the space with common courtesy.

First off, stop trying to be friends with her, and find some friends of your own to hang out and go places with. Limit your contact with her so she can't drive you nuts as much.

Next, talk with her about respecting each other's safety and privacy. Since it makes you uncomfortable, she should not bring guys back to the room at all (unless you are willing to work out a "booty schedule" - you promise to stay out till midnight on Friday nights, so she can get it on with her man, but he has to be gone before you get back). Tell her you're not comfortable with her friends having keys to the room, and that for the sake of sefty and security you would prefer that only the two of you have access to the room (she can, of course, invite her friends over, but she must be there to greet them).

If she is unwilling to compromise or stick to her promises, go the building management and request a room transfer. They are generally pretty accomodating.

Answer 3

i take it there is only one bedroom. if either one of you want to have sex with someone, you should go to a motel, unless the guy has a place with his own bedroom. when you go to the same party you aren't going together as a date, just roommates attending the same party.if one is leaving, let the other one know, that's just good manners.people coming to your room should knock and wait to be invited in. visitors should wait to be asked if they want food or liquid or ask if they can have whatever.remember you are roommates sharing a room. your not living together as a couple.

Answer 4

Well, you don't have to be friends to be roommates, but if she's getting it on with a guy in the same room you are in I think I would find another roommate.

Answer 5

i moved 7 times when i was in college because of all my room-mates were crappy. move as soon as you can. if you stay and her irresponsibility and inconsideration continues (which it probably will), you're going to be miserable!