We have 3 kids - ages 14, 12 and 9. We've not been happy for a long time, started 5 yrs ago when he discovered "chat room" girlfriends. At first he was apologetic/kind, and we worked to make our relationship better. Now he refuses to have a conversation about our relationship and has made it clear that he'll make no effort in this regard- always turns into major verbal abuse from him if I try to initiate a calm discussion.
If he moves out, chances are the kids will grow up without their father. He's even less likely to make an effort with them once he's out of the house. I think he is developing mental issues, which has contributed to him not being able to keep a job - but is in complete denial.
I know the kids want us to stay married, he is well-behaved in their presence. Should I stick out a loveless marriage until the kids are out of the house? It's getting harder to keep myself from getting depressed as the years pass. BTW- I work and can (and do) support the family
2006-11-06 04:51:34 · 32 answers · asked by happyface 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sometimes staying married for the sake of the children, hurts them in the long run. Children can pick up when the parents aren't getting along. Growing up in a loveless marriage is hard on everybody. What do you really think you are teaching them when they get into relationships. You speak of him being abusive towards you, any time that is evident, I feel you must distance yourself from that situation, also this is definitely not good for your children to witness. If he were able to sit down and talk in a civil manner, perhaps you might have a chance, but it seems like he is cutting off all communication . It's a hard situation no matter which way you decide to go, but whatever you do, think of the children first.
2006-11-06 05:03:23 · answer #1 · answered by june clever 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Would you rather have the children hear him verbally abusing you? Or are you willing to punish yourself for another 10 years until the youngest is ready to move? I think you've done all you can and if he isn't willing to turn off the chat rooms and work on his marriage, then it's time to leave. And if he isn't going to be around post-divorce for his kids, then that's his loss as they'll still have their mom there to love and protect them.
And the stats from the first person that wrote you an answer is completely wrong. That's bullshit and everyone knows it. Whether or not your child grows into a criminal has nothing to do with being fatherless or motherless, it's their own mindset. And some of the most notorious criminals came from a home with 2 loving parents.
2006-11-06 05:05:02 · answer #2 · answered by GirlinNB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im going to be straight up with you because this is a serious issue taking place in your household and theres no room for beating around the bush or PC tap dancing here.
1. Is your husband an alcoholic or drug addict? Does he display obsessive compulsive behavior, if so seek professional help. Otherwise the marriage will most likely fail. He may even have issues with sex addiction.
2. Do you pay attention to him sexually/intamately/affectionately OR do you want to believe that you do when in REALITY you more often than not ignore his needs in this area? In other words it takes two to tango and if youre in DENIAL in any way, shape or form it will not help your marriage. Period!
3. Are either or both of you abusive. Abuse comes in 1000 different forms. There are individuals who are extremely abusive and dont even realize it. Another reason to get professional help.
4. Do you believe yourself to be perfect and he to be the only one with a problem?
5. Are yours AND his needs being met? After all this is a partnership and both parties deserve to have their needs met. Looking out for #1 more often then not just doesnt cut it in a partnership.
6. Statistics state that men seeking affairs are often seeking something they arent getting in the household. Whether that be affection, attention or sex. Is this the case or is he just suffering from 'mental illness' as you put it?
You better be 100% honest with yourself if you want this thing to change for the better.
How do I know? because Ive been where you are right now. We sought counseling and it changed our lives for the better. Best of luck!
2006-11-06 05:39:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry your going threw this, i know how you feel i was with my ex for 12 years when we decided it was time to separate. in the begining it was very hard on the kids. but we try to be friendly toward each other when we were around the kids, we even try to work things out while he was not living in the home we did things together as a family however he was actually on the road to having another family seems a ex- girlfriend got pregnant so i had to let him go. my kids are very happy we get along now better then before. if you have a family that you know you can depend on for emotional help and maybe some good male role models in your family that your kids can spend time with. your kids will be just fine. it is not good to stay in a relationship just for the kids they know when things are not right . plus you have to remember your health if you stay in this loveless marriage and you become depressed and get your self sick then who is going to be there for your kids ... i say get out now and give your kids all the love i know you have for them and stop wasteing energy on your husband focus on your kids good luck
2006-11-06 05:09:07 · answer #4 · answered by tinker 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Any solution will be a bad solution for the children. If you are not talking to each over anymore your children are already penalize by it (believe me I lived it). The question is do your husband love you ? If your husband (like it looks like) does not love you, you are just going for a hell of misery, sadness and unhappiness if you stay.
Children always want their parents to stay together. Yours are young and will not take any separation the good way. After analyzing the situation you will have to choose between what is the best for them without forgetting your situation either. It will be a hard decision you need to think about. Another question you need to answer. Why is your husband staying if it does not love you and doesn't really take care of the children. I assume you are both unhappy and I am not sure your children are happy either.
And by the way it is not because supposedly 85% of the people in prison are fatherless that every one without a father will end his life in prison. Good luck you will need it. I am sorry for you.
2006-11-06 05:18:51 · answer #5 · answered by Inti 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a hard situation, and it sounds like there is also a lot of resentment that I'm sure your children pick up on. A child of the age 14 is not so blind that they can not see their parents are unhappy.
Although having both parents in a home has been proven to raise healthier children, I'm not sure how many of their studies were of families like your with the amount of resentment and tension.
You might want consult a professional on this one, even if it's just you going at first, and maybe see if your husband would be interested in joining you, not for the sake for saving your marriage but for the sake of making a better enviroment for your children?
2006-11-06 05:00:20 · answer #6 · answered by chickennosenshi 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you should go ahead and get a divorce, how will you be a good mom if you have mental issues too. If he gets out of the house and the marraige then maybe he will get better or maybe not. God gave you the sole responsibility because you are the mother. Do not stick it out if there is no love, because then you are teaching your kids that it is ok to have a loveless relationship they will come to understand the older they get but you need to make them understand that it is not their fault, so they do not feel guilty and get depressed. Good Luck!
2006-11-06 04:57:14 · answer #7 · answered by twinki 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its a tough question to answer. A whole lot of change. You have to figure if you want to be in a loveless relationship for the next few years. I know you are thinking that you have done it this lone, but it starts to take a toll on you. As you already said about depression. Do something now because when the depression gets ahold of you then you are in trouble mentally and physically.
2006-11-06 05:08:59 · answer #8 · answered by crazzzy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh girl, staying married for the kids is NEVER a good idea. Your kids will be much more damaged by living in the toxic environment you're currently in. You say he's "well behaved" in front of the kids. Don't fool yourself into believing that the kids don't know what's going on. They do.
Don't ruin your life for this man, or because you think you are helping your kids. You aren't. Divorce this man, and raise your kids without him if thats the way it needs to be.
Kids from fatherless homes don't suffer. I was from a fatherless home and I have nothing but THANKS for the fact that my mother left that man and kept him out of my life. My mother knew that a toxic man was of no use to her child! I'm grown, fully functional, and happy. I have a great job and a great marriage. Don't worry, one good parent is plenty!
2006-11-06 05:03:18 · answer #9 · answered by kherome 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds tough, on the one hand your kids want you to stay together, but yet you are forgetting about your needs. I am not in your situation, so I am going to try to help best I can. Staying together for the kids is never a good idea. Think about later down the line when they are grown. What is that going to teach them? That they can stay in love-less relationships for the kids? Then they are conflicted because as they have grown up, we have told them to find happiness and love. If you and your husband are honest with them and assure them that it isn't their fault, then you should have no problem. Kids can sense when something isn't right, so why lie to them and yourselves? They obviously know that you don't want to be together anymore, so it should not come as a shock. And if they need couseling, then get them some help. That is personally what I would do. You and your husband need to come to a decision.
2006-11-06 04:59:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋