Cheated While engaged?

Question

I have been married 8 years, been together for 10 years, have a 6 year old son. This May, after a wedding, my wife says "I am not the saint you think I am, while we were engaged I had a three month affair with a co-worker".
She thinks that she was mentally ill, she doesn't know why she did it, she doesn't know why it continued, and I had no idea until now. We were engaged for 11 months, bought a house together, I was supporting her through college. I was working grave yard shift, and she was working evenings after school. While I was at work, she would go out drinking with work friends and that's how it happend. She claims she slept with him 5 or 6 times over three months.
Our marriage has been great, she is a good mother and she says (and I believe her) that it hasn't happend since. I feel like I married under false pre-tenses. She thinks it wasn't as bad before the wedding. I feel violated, for her it is 8 years ago and isn't as important. Forgiving is tough, any help?

Answer 1

see what happens when the eyes open ?those we thought were beautiful really aren't.that's hard to love through,it's like who is this person?there's a stranger in my house.I am not sure you can love the woman who resides in the body now that she's been revealed a liar and a cheat.deceit is ugly isn't ti?Do what's in your heart.if you can forgive and still love her go for it.

Answer 2

You have a right to your feelings. The question is what to do about it and why did the wife share this with you now? What changed, was their profound guilt on her part that she needed to confess and as a result made you feel miserable?

Seek marriage counseling, there are more issues than on the surface. This is a betrayal even if it was before marriage, but if you both have a good marriage the decision of trust and forgiving are at hand. Counseling will get these issues out in the open.

Answer 3

That's really a hard question to answer unless it's from someone that's walked a mile in your shoes. But I would say if you really love her and you have no doubts that it has never happened again I think you can get passed it. After all you need to consider your son.
I do wonder why she finally decided to tell you after all this time. But if she did it because she still feels guilty then that's a good sign. I can understand how you would feel violated but if you want to continue to make your marriage work, it's something you're going to have to deal with.
As for her not thinking it's as important as you do, then you might want to ask her how it would make her feel and if necessary remind her that, you never know how someone feels until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Not that you need to show her how it feels but I think she should appreciate you even more if you're willing to accept her mistakes and move on. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 4

Its easy for people to suggest "just get over it" or "don't worry" but I understand that knowing this now will bring up questions. Why did she wait so long to tell you? Is this the only time or is she just telling me about this time? What was I doing wrong during that time?

You mentioned she used to go out drinking with friends. What happens when she now tells you, she and some co-workers are going for drinks. Or they are having a work X-mas party and you may not be able to make it?

Once trust is broken, it leads to many problems. Hate to use this comparison but just think if your car fails you for a day. Just one whole day will not start and then the next day fine. Wouldn't you ride around wondering why did that happen? Will it happen again? What should I do to make it not happen? Some people get rid of their cars.

Answer 5

That's rough and I feel for you, I would suggest seeking a marriage counselor if possible. If you believe her that it hasn't happened sense and that it was a mistake and she did not know what she was doing you should forgive her....this I know being a hard task as her waiting 8 years to tell you but you do also have to consider your 6 year old son he is another person that would be hurt by this. Again I would suggest seeking some marriage counseling if possible.

Answer 6

I wouldn't let this affect our marriage, i'm not saying you do not have a right to be upset because she betrayed you but you have a life together, a family, a house. you said she is a good mother and i'm sure she's a good wife, forgive her. At least she came clean, you should give her praises for her honesty. Now the plate is wipe clean hopefully there's nothing left unsaid, we all make mistakes in life and i'm sure if you had done something wrong from way back in the past you'd want her forgiveness. Just pray that she is being a good wife now and continue to have a happy marriage.

Answer 7

She needs to understand that, to you, this is a new revelation, and it does not matter that it happened eight years ago. She has had eight years to deal with the guilt. You have not had that much time to deal with this. It sounds like she is, at least now, an honest person, and she just did not want this secret on her conscience. She needs to realize that the weight that was lifted from her shoulders when she told you, was placed on your shoulders. The humiliation, and feeling of betrayal, are in full force. She needs to give you time. I do think you can move past this, but it will probably take counseling, and an understanding on her part that the fact that this was eight years ago does not make it easier on you.

Answer 8

First of all, unless there were other clear and obvious signs of mental illness during this period, I have to say that excuse is a dodge. And what is tragic about the dodge is that it betrays an underlying refusal to take personal accountability for her affair.

It would be far more encouraging if she came to you and came clean about the whole thing, and took personal ownership for her actions and asked you for forgiveness.

Just my opinion, and it's impossible to be really helpful not knowing more about the details of what she said, how you responded etc.

That being said, yes, forgiveness and rebuilding violated trust is difficult. I'm told it can be done, and that there are marriages that have suffered far worse and ended up thriving, healthy, loving marriages. I hope they're right.

Best to you.

Answer 9

First of all I am very sorry that this is happening to you. Second of all, her excuse is out of this world and I would not accept that as a reason if I were you. It sounds like she is trying to come clean with you and feels very guilty for what she did. If you guys truly have had 8 great years together and you know for sure that she has not done it again I would give it another shot but make it clear to her how you currenlty feel and that it can never happen again because it is unacceptable.

Answer 10

its a horryfying feeling to have, i suggest you find a hotter, younger women to have a fling with for 3 months...be discreet, do not let ur wife know about it...then maybe after 2 yrs or so....let ur wife know that u had an affair too...and you did it becuz u were "mentally ill," counseling doensnt do squat for the way u must be feeling right now...its like having your heart ripped out and served on a cold platter...i know the feeling bud...you aint the only one...the other option u may have is forgiving her...but if i were u ...not even when hell freezes over...its not like she slept only once...that it was a mistake...she slept with him 6-7 times...come on...how heartless she must be to do it that many times and have the nerve and audicity to look u in the eyes and say she loves you...be strong...she may not be what you thought she was...love your child the way u always have....and part ways with a liar and cheater...personally for me ...a cheater is always a cheater...god knows what else shes hiding....i parted ways with a cheater in my life....and i couldnt be much happier...the only diff between u and me ....i didn't have a child....good luck with whatever decision you make!!!

Answer 11

Violation of your trust is something that is very hard to forgive, but there are cases where that is the right thing to do. First of all, she admitted a pre-marriage affair,she has been faithful in her marriage vows, she has provided you with a child, and is a good mother. I believe she deserves to be forgiven, but if you do forgive, you must be careful not to throw it up everytime you argue about unrelated issues. Reassure her that you love her and let her know that your marriage is worth saving. You can do it!