how to get out of an abusive marriage with 3 kids?

Question

I have been married to this guy for 5 years. We have 3 kids under 5yrs. He has all control over the finances. I do work but when I get paid he makes sure it all goes to the bills. I do have a car it's in both our names. He is abusive emotionally, verbaly, and a few times physically. I do not want to go to my family's home for help. He will find me. Shelters i have contacted want a police report. What do you tell a cop ya he told me this and that. I have no marks on me. It would just seem pointless. I live in utah and am willing to relocate. I do have a job which may let me work from home for a while. i'm not too sure about that. Does any one know of any resourse or places that I may be able to stay till I can get on my feet? Or maybe able to help me money wise to get on my feet???? Or any suggestions on what I should do...Please help..

Answer 1

Call your local united way, one of their main jobs is to help people find the resources they need to get it together. They will know what is available in your area. Call them and ask for the 211 line.

Answer 2

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not easy, and you feel trapped with kids. I am going through the same thing. He is not all that physical although he has hit me, just never in the face, but he is verbally and and emotionally. He will not let me work, I guess he is afraid i will leave. Right now I am setting back money, whenever I can, so that when the time comes, I can get away. I know I will have to leave town when I go, until he can get over being angry, and becomes more reasonable. You should make a report to the police, if you cannot get money together, there are abuse hotlines that can give you more info. Do whatever you have to to get out. It will be better in the long run. Take care of yourself and your kids, i will be praying for you.

Answer 3

Get out before it is too late. This is a scary thing. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my daughter's father. When he threatened to kill me I got the hell out!! I am lucky it could have been much worst! So what do you do? You leave. Ha ha easier said than done you're thinking. Yeah it is. You find an apartment and leave. it doesn't have to be anything fabulous just a roof over you and your children's heads. You go to place like the salvation army or even craigs list and get cheap (even free) furniture and re-start your life. You go to the courthouse and get a restaining order, and yes I know it's a piece of paper. And what the hell are you supposed to do when he comes at you with a gun?? Hold the piece of paper in front of you?? No. Get a gun. Also when you file for the restraining order file for a weapons surrender if he has guns or has intimidated or threatened you with guns. The police will obtain a search warrant and take any guns that belong to him in the house or they will look up if he has ever purchased one. I know it is ovewhelming and really scary. But it won't last forever unless you let it. You and your children will be better off. You have a long and bumpy road ahead no matter what, but the choice is yours. Having a life of belittlement and cower everyday or stand up declare your independence and go on living. I chose choice b and I can't be happier now that I did. My daughter and I have a better quality of life, she still sees her dad, it took a year for things to finnaly be normal again but they did. Good luck really I mean it you are not alone and you have choices. Choose life.

Answer 4

I think the best course of action is to do this on a day that you get paid do not take your check to him take it to the bank and cash it or if its a direct deposit just go and take it out first thing. Call in sick or if work is aware of the situation let them know whats going on today. While you're home get things packed like clothes and any necessities for you and the kids. Take your kids and your car and go to a relative or friends house nearby until you can figure out a better plan. But for the time being it will get you out. You may need to search for a womans shelter in another town or state before hand too and see what you come up with. I work for a police department in Texas so I don't know how things are done legally in Utah. In TX if one parent has taken the children they cannot claim kidnapping, to me that would be the same but you might also call the local PD to ask them and also if your name is on the veh he cannot report it stolen in TX but once again check with your local PD to be sure in your state. Hope this helps!

Answer 5

If the shelter is asking for a police report, all you have to do is tell the police. They will make a report of what you told them. They don't need to prove anything to make a report. And you could also get a restraining order though the courts. So I would get packing as soon as you are along with your kids, only take the necessary things such as Id's and birth certificates, some clothes. Go to a police station and have them write a report. You can get a copy and they will be able to assist you with going to a shelter.

Answer 6

First of all thank u, I hope alot of young people read ur question. Because ur first error was to have so many babies too soon. Hopefully, a girl will read and think twice.

Second -Hooray u realize the mistakes and want to change ur life. Will it be hard yes, does ur family need to know yes. Hiding his abuse is helping him not u nor the kids!

Third- if u don't feel threaten (like he'll harm u or the kids) then u have to plan if your not willing to just pack and go leave it all behind. They are things, things can be replaced but lives can't. A few posters have provided lots of Utah helplines.

Fourth- U need to get support to gain control of your emotions and avoid confrontation with him. So that ur making good decisions and have resources in place. Start to take care of u.

Fifth- Your paycheck, you do not have to surrend it. Direct deposit into your own checking acct and have the stmt go to PO BOX. Develop your own credit.

I know of someone who was very miserable. Very controlling hubby. She would take $50.00 ever week from grocery shopping and saved it. That is $2600.00 a yr, she did it for 3 yrs. All the while she took on a second job doing alterations for cash. She found a local agency that provided childcare for free and allowed her to take classes. The kids had good care, she was seeing herself making strides and above all when he wanted scream and hit, she'd leave and allow him to cool off. It was not an easy 3 yrs but when they left, she was capable of handling things. Her child support goes through the court system. So if he doesn't pay, they handle it. She had witnesses, agencys that had records and it proved her case. You need to think through and then do it. Life is too short to be miserable, and the fighting is changing who your children are meant to be.
Don't make them victims for life.

Answer 7

Honey you need to just get up and leave him, if not for yourself then for the kids sake. Suck up your pride and got your family's home and go get a restraing order, tell the police you are afraid for your and your kids lives he is emotionally abusive and verbally abusive. The consequences of leaving those kids in a situation like that is more detramental then you leaving, you have to understand that if the department of Child Services finds out that you have allowed this to go on with the kids around then you could be just as liable as him. They could take the kids from both of you. I mean seriously you need to just get out of there. I wish that there was some better advice to give, but that is the suggestion that I have, you can go to a woman's shelter and tell them what is going on, they will take you in, and if you have to fill out the police report then do it, you do not need to have "marks" on you to say that you and the kids are being abused.

Answer 8

You do not wait! If he has been violent toward you in ANY way, you go to a shelter and file a report. You have 3 precious kids, you should protect them. If you have family, you should move in with them, and get a protective/restraining order that applies for you and your family. Press charges on him when asked...don't let your love for him blind you. If you continue to let him do this to you, then it will either get worse towards you or he will do it to the children. Get a divorce now, there are ways to go around him, especially if he has been abusive. I do not know if you can file charges in your state based on verbal abuse, but maybe you could tell them of past occurances and that you are scared for you and your family. Utah is the leading state in child abuse.....get out now, before it is too late. Call an abuse hotline to get advice. This is all the advice I can give you. Good luck sweetie and I will pray for you and yours.

Answer 9

YWCA of Salt Lake City • 322 East 300 South • Salt Lake City, UT 84111
email: [e-mail] • Phone: [phone] • Fax: [phone]

Utah Domestic Violence Advisory Council
Salt Lake City UT 84103
801-538-4100

Blanding Safehouse Office of Social Services
Blanding UT 84511
Business #: 801-678-3211

Answer 10

I completely understand what you are going through and am very sorry to hear that you are faced with such an ordeal.

The thing about controlling, abusive men is that they need to feel power over another person. This is why they always make sure that they control the finances - this way you are dependent on him because he controls the money, both yours and his. They find ways such as controlling the finances to ensure that you need them, are dependent on them, and therefore feel like you are not capable of leaving. It is a psychological game they play.

Many people will tell you to just get up and leave but I understand that it is not that easy. It's not like he has been this way from the start - he had to reel you in first. I'm sure he was very charming in the beginning - this kind of behavior doesn't occur over night.

When you finally decide to leave I will go ahead and tell you - you will see a sudden change in attitude. He will not want you to leave. He will be kind and loving and to anything to get you to stay. He will make promises but I promise you he won't keep them. When you decide to leave you have to be strong and don't give in. Remember your children and the fact that you cannot raise them in this environment. You also need to remember that although he might make you feel like you are nothing - he is the one who is insecure. He makes you feel bad about himself so that he can feel important.

If he has ever laid his hands on you, you can file a warrant. I had to press charges on my ex and I didn't have any marks on me. When you file the warrant you can have a restraining order put on him to protect yourself and your children. I didn't have a single mark on me when I pressed charges and my ex got probation for 2 years - he probably would have gone to prison if I would have pushed it and taken it to trial but I was onlly 17 and didn't want to have to deal with facing him in court.

If I were you, I would start tucking away money in perhaps a secret bank account or other place. Do you have family you ca turn to for help or a place to stay? I realize he will find you but it would be safer for you to be with friends or family. Make sure your childrens schools know not to let this man pick your children up from school because he will probably try to use them against you.

I could go on and on but there isn't room but please if you need to or have any questions don't hesitate to e-mail me. I have been there before and I would love to help any way I can. Good luck.

Answer 11

What about the domestic abuse hotline? They have trained people to help you in that kind of situation. Try going to the police saying you are afraid of him, he is emotionally and verbally abusive and sometimes physically as well. Tell them you want out but are not sure how to go about it w/o repercussion. Be strong (as strong as you can ) and say I've had it with him ..he can not hurt me no more..I am taking steps and I'm gonna get the kids and I out of this mess. I strongly urge you to get some counseling ..You can't do this alone..Once your out get a restraining order on him..