This is a story I wrote and I was wondering if you can give me some feed back thank you very much.?

Question

Sitting alone in her room, Bella cries. Her black eye-liner smudging under her round light brown eyes. Knowing that it wasn't her fault, she still belives it was. She now knows what it feels like to have her heart broken, torn out of her chest and stepped on. She knows she has to forgive and forget, but with everything that has happend in Bella's life she can't. She wonders why it had to end the way it did. Why her heart had to be broken into so many peices. All she can do now is wonder and remeber, but she will never forget.
"Finally they take us out of that ugly whitches class," says Bella with a wide glowing smile on her face. "I know, I'm so happy, but what about Mr.Big Nose," says Marissa with a giggle, "I mean Mr.Heldings. They say he is really mean." " Don't worry about him, he cant be that bad." Bella says reasuring her friend with one of her warm smiles. Bella sees in Marissa almond shaped eyes how worried and scared she is. Her petite body shivering with the light wind that blows. All Bella can do is let out a giggle. "Lets go to to class," says Marissa, "It's geting really cold out here."
"Marrisa! Marissa wait!" yells a stange, but familiar voice from afar."Marissa, hey whats up, whats new?" says the guy. " Oh, hey Chad, hows it going? This is Bella, my best friend." Hey,"says Bella knowing she has met this guy before. " Oh, hey Bella I'm Chad. I met Marissa here during summer school, this past summer. So, are you new?" "No I'm not new. I came to this school last year. Are you new? Wait scratch that, how can you be new if you met Marissa here during summer school." says Bella turing pinker by the second. Looking deep into Chad's eyes, Bella felt her legs get weaker by the moment. She knew that this guy was one of a kind, but what she didn't know was that he was going to make a huge change in her life.
"So, who do you have next period?" asks Chad in concern. "Oh, I have Mr. Heldings, you?" replies Bella, "Me too!" Chad says with an exitment that could fill a room. "Come on I'll walk with you." pulling Bella's arm she has no choice but to follow. "So, you dont happen to know a girl named Kendra do you?" Bella asks in a quiet tone of voice. "Why do you ask?" he says with a questioned face, "Well me and Kendra have a history together and really don't get along." she says knowing where this is going to.
"Why not?" he asks, "Well, last year she over heard me talking about how mean, ugly, and dumb she is and how I think she's a witch. So, this year I just really hope I don't have a class with her or don't meet anyone who is really good friends with her." says Bella almost out of breath. "Well, sorry to brust your bubble, but I'm kind of going out with her." Chad says looking at the ground. "Oh no," repets Bella, Oh no, oh no, oh no," then she runs. She runs and doesn't stop. "Bella, its ok." Chad yells out. "I won't tell her, Bella come back!"
Bella running not knowing where she is going, stops and runs right into the start of her troubles. Kendra. "Oh, hi Bella," Kendra says making her dead and damaged hair slap Bella in the face. "Hi, Bye" replies Bella continuing to her destination, class. "Why in such a hurry," Kendra says knowing what is going on. "Oh, its because I'm trying to find my class. and I don't want to get a late slip." hoping her lie isn't to noticeable she leaves.
Why, Bella thinks to herself, why do I have to speak my mind to everyone. Feeling her own tears fall down from her eyes, Bella stops to hear her own heart beat. Chad, bump bump, Chad, bump bump, thats what she hears. No, she thinks, I can't not after what I said about his girlfriend. I can't. He can't. We can't. It won't happen. It's not possible.
Walking at her own pace and drying her eyes from her tears, she feels a hand on her shoulder.
"Whats wrong," the voice says, "Oh, ummm, nothing. It's just, that, ... Chad? What, How?" Bella says with a puzzeled look on her round pinkish face. "What you didn't think I would catch up with you? I maybe slow but I'm not that slow." he says with a big smile on his face, "Lets walk not run ok," Chad says with a chuckle."Ok" Bella says, with a little hope that maybe it could work out.

Answer 1

It definitely has potential. I don't know if you wrote it real quick for us, but please be conscious of grammar and spelling. If you have a lot of errors it can be distracting and hard to concentrate on an otherwise entertaining story. Keep up the good work.

Answer 2

Besides grammar and spelling which have been mentioned by other readers, I will pin-point on other aspects. It is good to have insert conversation in a story but make sure you don't put everything into one long paragraph. Divide it into several short paragraphs which make it easier to read and less stress for the eyes. Hehehe......

Secondly, you do have a good starting line. It makes the readers curious and want to know more about the character but I find that you keep repeating the same words in the first paragraph. I mean, you are actually saying the very same thing about how Bella was hurt and heart broken with so many words and sentences all in one paragraph which makes it quite boring. Rememer, first paragraph is very important to make readers continue to the next one and so on.

Then, the connection from the first paragraph to your next one doesn't really flow well. I wanted to know what makes Bella heartbroken but suddenly the whole scenario took us to the classroom. And besides your first paragraph, all the other paragraphs are only conversation/dialogues.

I thought you are writing in the third person's point of view but it has lost the element.

Answer 3

Not bad.
Ditto on the grammar and spelling, be conscious of it.
Sometimes your writing is a bit cliched. Not that it is bad, but you may want to find another way of saying things. Lots of characters in lots of stories have had their hearts torn out of their chest and stepped on. Get in touch with the emotions that you want to evoke and think of a way to express it that speaks to you. You will find the more you appeal to your own artistic sensibilities, the more people will enjoy your work. People read read not to find something they have seen before, but to find something new. That something new always comes down to you. Use your voice, you have great potential.

Answer 4

Hey, I just want to say that I like your story, and where it is going. Your a good writer, and I want to encourage you to keep writing, and you will get better and better as you go. Now I know this is totally random but I also want to encourage you in another area. I want you to think about this... What do you do when it rains? When I say that I mean when things happen in your life that really hurt? Because it always rains doesn't it? Sooner or later your junk catches up with you, or you lose someone that your close too, or you just feel like your alone in the world and that you will never amount to anything. I don't know, but what I am getting at here is this... God is real. Jesus changed my life and rescued me from a lot of stuff that I had gotton myself into in highschool. I am now in college, but I think sometimes we do a horrible job of communicating what that looks like. In the book of proverbs, it says he who finds God finds life, and I just want to let you know that there is more to this life that what we see everyday. That God is bigger, and that He is more. It speaks in the bible about how when we are hurting, and suffering, that God will carry us, like a father carries his son. It says in the bible that the he opens his hands and satisfies desires of all things. I am not trying to get you to pray some prayer, or convert, or w/e. All I am saying is that God is bigger, better, and more real than what most people make him out to be, and that He satisfies. That he will lead you into freedom if you want it. That there is hope, and peace, and love to be found in him. Maybe your going through a storm right now, or maybe your not. I don't know, but if you are, to you maybe all you see is that storm. All you see is rain with no light at the end of the road. But what you don't realise is that God is waiting to hold you, and that he would do anything to get you home. Your a great writer. Keep writing, but also look into Jesus and who He is. If you truely find him, what will pour out of you and onto paper will change so many lives. Be encouaged. Live life, but please know if you already don't that if you want to have life, and have it to the fullest, it is found in Jesus Christ. He (or she) who finds God, finds life. Thanks so much your story is great! Much love and God bless! - If you want to E-mail me [e-mail]

Answer 5

yes it was good keep my attention .would be great for like young girls in school.