Please give comments on what you think and how i would fix it. Remember, the rhyme scheme is aabba, ccddc, eeffe, gg, and all the a's, c's, e's and g's have to have 10 syllables while the b's, d's, and f's have to have 8 syllables
To My Lovely Family
When I see my dim eyes in the mirror
Every single thing becomes much clearer
I have no life to admire
You can tell by my attire
The end of my life is getting nearer
First, good-bye, beautiful children of mine
Stephan, please stop smoking and draw the line
Make sure to take care of your bro
And don’t forget to shovel snow
Don’t fret; I’m sure all of you will be fine
Next, farewell to my fair wife, Mary-Ann
I’m leaving you with my scarlet red van
And although you might not agree
There is one thing that I must plea
A need you to kill a specific man
He makes my life a nightmare filled with loss
Who else would he be other than my boss?
2006-11-05 12:05:40 · 13 answers · asked by Soccer_Fan_1111 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
considering the restraints on syllables and the rhyming scheme, I think it's great. I never liked writing things in limerick rhyme, I always found it kind of difficult and time-consuming, but you've done a good job. The only thing I'm having trouble understanding is how your narrator got from a sorrowful mood to a vengeful one. It's not bad, just kind of confusing. Though, I freely admit, prose is my specialty, not poetry.
Either way, on the technical aspects, definitely worth an A. Or, at least, I'd give you an A for it. :-)
Keep writing! You're pretty good at it.
2006-11-05 12:12:34 · answer #1 · answered by Kyle 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I like how it started off all sad then ended with a laugh but I would consider going in a different direction. It may be too much. Certain lines doesn't need to be in the poem. Seems like your trying too hard to rhyme. You have potential just relax go to a quiet room and really write from your heart.
2006-11-05 12:13:31 · answer #2 · answered by Ms. Conservative 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In sticking with the format, yes. However, In originality and coherence, not likely. The poem seems to take on an almost forced feel, especially near the end. I hope this helps, even if it seems a little terse.
2006-11-05 13:06:30 · answer #3 · answered by courting_life 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
about a b+ a- because the whole idea and resoltution of the topic is good. But the way you eucuted it could use some work. Like try to make certain staza's more meaningful and have greater depth.
Hope i helped, write more you're great!
2006-11-06 12:10:20 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Writing in a specific format is difficult. I think you did a pretty good job.
As to whether it is worth an A, poetry is VERY subjective, and one teacher may give you an A, and another ask you why you wasted the paper.
2006-11-05 12:18:23 · answer #5 · answered by Hurricane 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For a promising 10th grader maybe..for a college sophomore a D...for a graduate student an F
2006-11-05 15:37:50 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm no teacher, but I do play one on television :) A+ absolutely. Creative, touching,drama and deep sentiment (the scarlet van). Throw in some good advise and I'd like to think is a reasonalbe "hit"...and.....VIOLA!!!!! poetry.
2006-11-05 13:00:38 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like everything but for some reason I just can't see "He makes my life a nightmare filled with loss
Who else would he be other than my boss?"
fitting in as well as everything else.
2006-11-05 12:13:43 · answer #8 · answered by blackratsnake 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Eh, it's okay, I guess. I think it may have moved too fast, and you could use with more description and lines in some parts. I would give like a B.
2006-11-05 12:31:58 · answer #9 · answered by Sandy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd give you an A+.
If your interested in comments form other poets try YourPoetryDotCom.
It's free to join and the site is really friendly.
2006-11-05 12:18:03 · answer #10 · answered by Curious1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋